Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Daily Journal: #96 Engaging the Lord Without Sorrow

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

LINKS

This summer I battle through a break-up and the dissolution of a business partnership. The defining moments happened on back-to-back days. In a way, it’s almost Biblical. I laugh when I think about it now. In a matter of months I went from “knowing” what my future was to a blank slate. I went back to the start.

The pain I endured was like being tossed by the tide of an angry ocean. The waves of sadness overwhelmed me over and over. The business break-up was in the works, but the end of a relationship I longed to continue? That hurt my heart. Despite her flaws, I wanted her.

I knew I couldn’t fix myself, or isolate in a hole until I felt better. Nope. I was bleeding and needed the Doctor. Thankfully the Lord was with me, and I leaned into Him. Each morning I went to walk with Him, and cried my heart out in the woods. My community, once again, rallied to my side. Day after day, they reached out to listen, encourage, and love me. (If I needed more proof of God’s goodness, I have it by way of my community.)

Moving On

My life is on a different path now than ever before, because I am a different person than I was a year ago. Gone are most of the limiting beliefs related to my self-worth. I finally embrace who I am and what’s important to me. And, I am going after what I want in life one day at a time. But most importantly, I will continue to walk with Jesus.

Of all the developments of the last six years- since I moved to California- my decision to run after the Lord is biggest. It is not a series of magical spiritual experiences. What I have is a real relationship with the God of the universe. It’s like getting to drink everyday rather than trying to make it to the next oasis.

Shifting Motivation

In the interest of honesty, my motivation shifted. It was easy to seek the Lord this summer when my reality burned down around me. I was desperate to live and make sense of the ashes. And now? The desperation is gone. I moved forward. I might even describe my recent disposition as content. I am not in a hurry, no fires to water.

Early in October the Lord made a prophetic request. “Stick with me,” He commanded. I knew why He said it, instantly. I didn’t need an explanation. In previous moments of life when I chose to run to the Lord I eventually wandered away. I took control of my future once I found stable ground. I know this pattern, and I am desperate to defeat it.

It is a new reality for me, to go to the Lord without a mass of pain and shame in my chest. Yes, I still experience anxiety and sadness. You may click back through my posts to read about it. Overall thought, the sorrow I feel is blunted, an echo of what I’ve knew. I believe in me, my present, and my future. I live in a new world.

The New World

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

The lack of compulsion or desperation creates a new opportunity. Last summer, I prayed for myself a whole bunch. I got around to other people on occasion. Now I find more space to pray for my friends, family, my city, the elections, etc. This is the progression I hoped would come. The Lord showered me with grace and love for multiple reasons, and today I have the ability to think about others again.

It’s a new world- one without the burden of self-pity or shame. I’m still trying to find my way in it.

Lord, I love you. I’m not quite sure how to live without being introspective and sad, but I’m willing to discover it. I know tough times will return, moments of sorrow and pain. That’s life, but I’m grateful I know you will be there beside me.

A-men.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.



Read More
Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Daily Journal: #93 Forging an Artist

I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.

LINKS

The field at Churn Creek Trail. 
The field at Churn Creek Trail.

A month ago, I wrote a post in celebration of my first completed art piece since 1999. I was genuinely thrilled to finish the painting, and… I have done very little in the aftermath. (That’s not entirely true. I have completed half a dozen small works and a series of sketches I rather enjoy.) I planned to begin another painting, of a leaf falling into a puddle, but haven’t moved to do it. While I am armed with a bevy of excuses - I traveled, my marketing business picked up, my supplies were stolen (true story), the sun wasn’t shining on the north side of the tree stump- I cannot let myself settle back into “wanting to be an artist.” I have to step forward into what comes.

The Money Problem

My contending issue is I compare myself to a fantasy of what I should be. It’s not fair to myself. I drift into dangerous territory by imagining a future where I am a professional artist. I envision my works sold in galleries and developing a following. It’s a dangerous trap because this is where I find motivation, in the money. If I am a successful artist, I can be a successful husband. But, what if the money never comes? Would I put my creativity on the shelf?

No, I can’t put being a creator on the shelf, so I have to disconnect it from fantasies associated with future riches. The problem then becomes “what’s the rush?” As my day fills up with business meetings and projects we find a major pitfall of my life. In the absence of financial reward, I have to find new sources of inspiration and determination. It’s easy to grow and change and produce when we believe in a tangible benefit, but what are we when it’s gone?

Historically, money is not my motivator. When I mentally experiment with what it would be to be rich, I literally get board. My life becomes one of the countless games in the App Store- dull and repetitive. And, while I do not embrace poverty, I no longer wish to be rich. I can’t. Seems boring. If I find one day my financial decisions are measured as wealthy, so be it, but I can’t run after God and money.

And yet…I worry about money. I worry I won’t have enough of it for my future wife and family. This is a thought I’ve internalized for decades. Coupled with my inability to dedicate myself to life-sucking careers, I end up being a man terrified of being a poor leader without a way to fix it. Money isn’t everything, but poverty sucks.

(This is where showing up in the fog and going to work counts. F-ck the outcome.)

Progress is Progress

I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.

This creative year was suppose to be about doing, experimenting, and producing regardless of the outcome. And, as usual, as I type I am to see more clearly so the issues I battle.

The money/family fear is real, and something to be given to the Lord. Some of my most spectacular failures came when I tried to control my life. Another issue is trying to project the future. All of imaginings have been wrong, might as well keep doing.

Lastly, I still battle the quality of my work. I want to be accepted and esteemed. And the only way I’ll get better is to create, learn, grow, evolve, and create some more. (I’m being insanely vulnerable right now. LOL. Makes me a bit scared for anyone to read this, but I’m being honest. At my worst I am insecure and long for the acceptance of others. My person hamster wheel.)

Randomly last night this video played as I let YouTube run. I like this channel (Wheezy News), mainly because the creator, Craig, is my age and conducts experiments I find interesting- like 30 Days without social media or 30 Days as a Vegan. Any who, in this video he explains his perspective on being a creative and it’s very refreshing. He seems almost dispassionate about his work, and I know he isn’t. Wisely, he says not to linger over a project, keep going.

As he talked about his perspective, I felt the a weight lift from my mind. I’ve made being an artist a canyon to cross rather than a journey to enjoy and explore. I took something that is suppose to feed my soul and made demands on it, loading it down with the burden of expectation.

It’s funny how the Lord can encourage me, who he uses, and when. I’m fairly certain my friend Craig is not a believer, but that’s ok. His words are still wise, and what I needed. I suspect I will continue to battle expectations. It’s ok. I’m learning. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it- it being Jesus AND loving myself. I can’t properly love myself without exercising my creativity.

Progress is easier when I have grace for myself. It makes the low moments short and not so low. Thank you Lord.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.



Read More
Nik Curfman Nik Curfman

I Can’t Stop Weeping

It’s good I am an independent contractor, and I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I can’t stop crying. I might go an hour or two between episodes, but then in a turn I’m using my shirt sleeve to wipe my eyes. The emotions, which vary and come in multi packs, pass quickly. I’ve stopped trying to analyze any of it. 

As I packed up the remains of my lunch today, a single thought stood above the rest. I let it slip from my mouth. Lord, I don’t want you to be smaller than I can imagine. It hung in the empty conference room for a moment, the central fear of all my fears. I don’t want some of you, I want it all. I’ll go and do whatever, but let’s put away anything less than everything. 

I can see now, as I type, this is the next fear to face. The fear that God is not who He is. I believe this fear has risen to the top because I can’t really move on without confronting it. 

I know what to do. 

I started confessing positive affirmation over my life earlier this year (I am amazing, I am worthy of love, etc), then I started confessing my trust and surrender, then onto God’s promises over my life, and now I believe my heart needs to hear the next big thing: JESUS IS MORE WONDERFUL, LOVING, GENEROUS, AND GIVING THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE. 

I felt a tinge of hesitancy as I wrote those words above, so I’ll take it as a sign I’m on the right track.  

God is good. Better than I know.  

Read More