Daily Journal: #93 Forging an Artist
LINKS
Tag Archive
- Daily Journal 360
- Poem 239
- Faith 97
- Love 82
- God is Good 48
- DJ 41
- Short 41
- poem 40
- Gratitude 37
- Psalms 35
- love 30
- psalms 30
- Jesus 28
- jesus 25
- Grace 22
- Hope 21
- Goals 20
- Dating 15
- Patience 15
- Writing 15
- 2020 14
- Growth 14
- Trust 14
- Fear 13
- Fight 13
- Art 12
- Process 12
- A 11
- Perseverance 11
- Prayer 11
- faith 11
- selflove 11
- Joy 10
- Motivation 10
- Anxiety 9
- God Is Good 9
- West Virginia 9
- Determination 8
- Favorite Moments 8
- Friendship 8
- Honesty 8
- Miracles 8
- Purpose 8
- Travel 8
- a 8
- dj 8
- gratitude 8
- Change 7
- Death 7
- Frustration 7
The field at Churn Creek Trail. A month ago, I wrote a post in celebration of my first completed art piece since 1999. I was genuinely thrilled to finish the painting, and… I have done very little in the aftermath. (That’s not entirely true. I have completed half a dozen small works and a series of sketches I rather enjoy.) I planned to begin another painting, of a leaf falling into a puddle, but haven’t moved to do it. While I am armed with a bevy of excuses - I traveled, my marketing business picked up, my supplies were stolen (true story), the sun wasn’t shining on the north side of the tree stump- I cannot let myself settle back into “wanting to be an artist.” I have to step forward into what comes.
The Money Problem
My contending issue is I compare myself to a fantasy of what I should be. It’s not fair to myself. I drift into dangerous territory by imagining a future where I am a professional artist. I envision my works sold in galleries and developing a following. It’s a dangerous trap because this is where I find motivation, in the money. If I am a successful artist, I can be a successful husband. But, what if the money never comes? Would I put my creativity on the shelf?
No, I can’t put being a creator on the shelf, so I have to disconnect it from fantasies associated with future riches. The problem then becomes “what’s the rush?” As my day fills up with business meetings and projects we find a major pitfall of my life. In the absence of financial reward, I have to find new sources of inspiration and determination. It’s easy to grow and change and produce when we believe in a tangible benefit, but what are we when it’s gone?
Historically, money is not my motivator. When I mentally experiment with what it would be to be rich, I literally get board. My life becomes one of the countless games in the App Store- dull and repetitive. And, while I do not embrace poverty, I no longer wish to be rich. I can’t. Seems boring. If I find one day my financial decisions are measured as wealthy, so be it, but I can’t run after God and money.
And yet…I worry about money. I worry I won’t have enough of it for my future wife and family. This is a thought I’ve internalized for decades. Coupled with my inability to dedicate myself to life-sucking careers, I end up being a man terrified of being a poor leader without a way to fix it. Money isn’t everything, but poverty sucks.
(This is where showing up in the fog and going to work counts. F-ck the outcome.)
Progress is Progress
I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.
This creative year was suppose to be about doing, experimenting, and producing regardless of the outcome. And, as usual, as I type I am to see more clearly so the issues I battle.
The money/family fear is real, and something to be given to the Lord. Some of my most spectacular failures came when I tried to control my life. Another issue is trying to project the future. All of imaginings have been wrong, might as well keep doing.
Lastly, I still battle the quality of my work. I want to be accepted and esteemed. And the only way I’ll get better is to create, learn, grow, evolve, and create some more. (I’m being insanely vulnerable right now. LOL. Makes me a bit scared for anyone to read this, but I’m being honest. At my worst I am insecure and long for the acceptance of others. My person hamster wheel.)
Randomly last night this video played as I let YouTube run. I like this channel (Wheezy News), mainly because the creator, Craig, is my age and conducts experiments I find interesting- like 30 Days without social media or 30 Days as a Vegan. Any who, in this video he explains his perspective on being a creative and it’s very refreshing. He seems almost dispassionate about his work, and I know he isn’t. Wisely, he says not to linger over a project, keep going.
As he talked about his perspective, I felt the a weight lift from my mind. I’ve made being an artist a canyon to cross rather than a journey to enjoy and explore. I took something that is suppose to feed my soul and made demands on it, loading it down with the burden of expectation.
It’s funny how the Lord can encourage me, who he uses, and when. I’m fairly certain my friend Craig is not a believer, but that’s ok. His words are still wise, and what I needed. I suspect I will continue to battle expectations. It’s ok. I’m learning. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it- it being Jesus AND loving myself. I can’t properly love myself without exercising my creativity.
Progress is easier when I have grace for myself. It makes the low moments short and not so low. Thank you Lord.
