Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/21/22 Nik Curfman 6/21/22

Vol II: #83 New Years

I’m a big fan of data. Hidden behind numbers and trends is a story, a story often undetected during the course of a normal day. But, sometimes it’s more apparent. Sometimes, it’s painfully, obviously apparent.

The year I published 330 blogs was a watershed moment into how I operate and what I need to make something real in my life. That’s the obvious data point. For me, Nik, a week or month or two months is not enough time to establish a behavior in my life. Apparently, I need a whole year of intentional devotion to a task. With this in mind, I am turning my attention to new project: drawing.

Drawing is the basic skill of an artist and I need/want to grow my skills. There’s nothing worse than an idea or concept trapped in my head because my hands can’t keep up. And buddy, I’ve got ideas a plenty. So, starting today, I will produce a drawing every single day for 365 days. (Ok. Probably more like 330 for the sake of travel, holidays, illness, etc.) The quality and subject matter is less important than the doing. For now, I need to make art production an everyday part of my life. It’s not a hobby to me and I want to develop into a competent artist. So, I need to treat it more like a job, like I did writing.

The first hurdle will be motivation and for that I need to admit to myself what I want. And, what I want is embarrassing to admit. I want to be a great artist, not a doodler or “church good.” My intent after my year of drawing is to transition to oil painting, then clay work, etc. This will require time, sacrifice, and money. And, all that seems like a lot to waste on a hobby.

The second hurdle is being gracious with myself in the process. For this I will rely my history as a cook. I’m a million times better cook than I was two years ago, ten years ago, and twenty years ago. Being honest, I thought I was pretty hot shit two years ago. Now I know, I’m only half way to where I want to be as a cook. (I know. That sounds ridiculous. But, just last week, I fried up the best chicken of my life with room to improve.) My point is food and art are similar in that they are as much learned habits and skills as they are talents. I can’t draw a circle the way I want to draw a circle…today. To ease my frustration, it helps to remember the days when my rice noodles were mush and I produced one dry chicken breast after another.

Today is day one. Though I am frustrated with where I am, I know the best is yet to come.

Nik Curfman 5/25/21 Nik Curfman 5/25/21

Journal: #289 Time to Dive In

And what if I fail? What if I lose the money I saved for trading stocks and stock options? What if I suck as an artist, and my writing never improves? What if I miss God? What if I should’ve been a pastor or worked for a non-profit? What if I spend my entire life in bullshit jobs and bullshit careers and miss my calling?

Seriously, I’m glad I learned to walk before I was afraid to fall.

Most of my posts of the last 2-3 months are vague. Today is the day I dive into what’s in front of me and how I plan to attack it.

Last May, I was dumped by a woman I loved, then dumped by my business partner. These were external events beyond my control. Correspondingly, I spent the summer of 2020 confronting fear and letting go of sorrow. I had to confront the defeat rather than allow it to drag me down. In tears, I wondered the neighborhoods and forests of north Redding. Through the heat and loneliness, I went after my pain in prayer. I admitted my weakness, and gave the Lord permission to love me. Eventually, my tears dried, and I’d find peace or a joyful laugh. It was good practice for this summer. It’s one thing to overcome the dismissal and judgment from others, but I find it harder to fight myself. (The lies we tell ourselves are the strongest to confront.)

Our hearts and minds commit the biggest sins when threatened. All human suffering and violence begins as a lie. Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, the Crusades, 9/11, shitty immigration policy: all our destruction spews from the idea we are under attack. We hide or murder. We build walls and create enemies where none exist. For most of us, we do not worry about food supplies, shelter, or actual war. It’s the gift of political and technological advancement. Despite our inventions, the old desires- to run, hide, and destroy- remain.

My natural inclination is to avoid confrontation, which might shock a few people who know me. Believe it or not, I’m not a fan of arguments or division. I’m not a war/murder/destroy type. Life is precious regardless of offense or crime. One big difference between most peace-loving folks and me is this. I accept the need for confrontation and discussion. (As Jordan Peterson says, “conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.” Most of us instinctively understand this, but we hedge anyway.) Our problem isn’t knowing our hurts or opinions; it’s in the fear we cultivate over the fight. Currently, I think I’m better at confronting others than myself. I’d rather hide, so I do. I’m the kind of person who would eat the fruit, sew the fig leaves, and hide from the Lord.

At this point, you are probably wondering what I need to confront. It’s a good question. I think I’ve written about as much as possible without specifics. Here’s the answer:

I’m confronting my ancient fear of failure and perfection. It’s not enough to do something. I want to be the best at it. And it’s gotta impact the world. In those three phrases lay a slew of insight into who I am. First, I’ll write a phrase, then translate.

It’s not enough to do something. My value is in what I do, not in who I am. Production is what’s most important as a man.
I want to be the best at it. It’s not enough to work and go home. Without greatness, I am a fallen tree without sound. It’s as if I didn’t exist.
And it’s gotta impact the world. Ah yes. Not only must do something and be the best at it but it’s gotta change the world. No worries.

Seriously, I’m glad I learned to walk before I was afraid to fall. Fortunately, I don’t think this way in all areas of my life. The success I had getting past my breakups is something to build on. On occasion, the sting is still there, but I know how to motor past it. In fact, I’ve been more successful over the 12 months than what is apparent. In business, my health, finances, relationships, writing, and with Jesus, I’ve excelled. I’m miles ahead as a digital marketer compared to May 2020. These are no small wins either.

My next step is to do what I do now with writing and walking. I need to draw and practice investing every day. It’s that simple. The desires of my heart, the true Godly desires, aren’t about fame, worth, or value. They are about me being the unique expression of God. My DNA isn’t merely physical. I (and you) have a spiritual DNA breathed into us from the beginning. That’s why none of us, regardless of history or failure, is a piece of shit. We may feel like shit, but we are not shit. We are good because He is good. Our ultimate calling is to manifest our reflection of God.

Think about that last sentence, “Our ultimate calling is to manifest our reflection of God.” It’s a heady statement, but one, I believe. I am not called to be a minister or a sacrifice. I am called to be me. The fullness of my life is complete as I embrace what is good and faithful. In this process, ministry happens, lives change, and the glory of the Lord revealed. My task is to be me, not the “Christian standard” of manliness.

I’m going to finish this post, make a smoothie, go for a walk, then sit my ass down at the drawing table. It’s time to dive in.

By the grace of God go I.

Nik Curfman 3/7/21 Nik Curfman 3/7/21

Journal: #222 I Miss My Trails

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk down by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

If you read this blog, you know I love my walks in the woods. I’ve always appreciated them and the numerous miles of trails Redding has to offer. Lately, I’ve missed them.

What I want to do is complain. I want to blog about how much I dislike the southern disposition. I want to use facts and figures to prove how I’m right. California has an acre of park for every twenty acres of land. South Carolina has one acre of park for every hundred of land. Did you know that?

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

Complaining doesn’t do any good. It’s not going to change the how people in South Carolina view land or preservation of that land. I’m not going to tuck tail and run back to California just because I can’t go for walks in the woods on a regular basis. Although, it does grate on me.

I love having the opportunity to stay with my parents at this time. And, the environment matters. I don’t love Charlotte for similar reasons, and I do not look forward to a a trip to Durham next week. I need to find a way to rise above it. I need to be able to over the environments I’m in.

Any process begins with belief, so I will start with believing I can enjoy being in Columbia. It’s not a shit hole. I will ask the Lord to show me the hidden glory in the city, and I will seek it out. This yet another place to trust the Lord. He knows I love California, it’s untouched spaces.

I refuse to act powerless or forgotten. There is joy to be found in Columbia, South Carolina. And that’s that.

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Nik Curfman 10/20/20 Nik Curfman 10/20/20

Daily Journal: #93 Forging an Artist

I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.

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A month ago, I wrote a post in celebration of my first completed art piece since 1999. I was genuinely thrilled to finish the painting, and… I have done very little in the aftermath. (That’s not entirely true. I have completed half a dozen small works and a series of sketches I rather enjoy.) I planned to begin another painting, of a leaf falling into a puddle, but haven’t moved to do it. While I am armed with a bevy of excuses - I traveled, my marketing business picked up, my supplies were stolen (true story), the sun wasn’t shining on the north side of the tree stump- I cannot let myself settle back into “wanting to be an artist.” I have to step forward into what comes.

The Money Problem

My contending issue is I compare myself to a fantasy of what I should be. It’s not fair to myself. I drift into dangerous territory by imagining a future where I am a professional artist. I envision my works sold in galleries and developing a following. It’s a dangerous trap because this is where I find motivation, in the money. If I am a successful artist, I can be a successful husband. But, what if the money never comes? Would I put my creativity on the shelf?

No, I can’t put being a creator on the shelf, so I have to disconnect it from fantasies associated with future riches. The problem then becomes “what’s the rush?” As my day fills up with business meetings and projects we find a major pitfall of my life. In the absence of financial reward, I have to find new sources of inspiration and determination. It’s easy to grow and change and produce when we believe in a tangible benefit, but what are we when it’s gone?

Historically, money is not my motivator. When I mentally experiment with what it would be to be rich, I literally get board. My life becomes one of the countless games in the App Store- dull and repetitive. And, while I do not embrace poverty, I no longer wish to be rich. I can’t. Seems boring. If I find one day my financial decisions are measured as wealthy, so be it, but I can’t run after God and money.

And yet…I worry about money. I worry I won’t have enough of it for my future wife and family. This is a thought I’ve internalized for decades. Coupled with my inability to dedicate myself to life-sucking careers, I end up being a man terrified of being a poor leader without a way to fix it. Money isn’t everything, but poverty sucks.

(This is where showing up in the fog and going to work counts. F-ck the outcome.)

Progress is Progress

This creative year was suppose to be about doing, experimenting, and producing regardless of the outcome. And, as usual, as I type I am to see more clearly so the issues I battle.

The money/family fear is real, and something to be given to the Lord. Some of my most spectacular failures came when I tried to control my life. Another issue is trying to project the future. All of imaginings have been wrong, might as well keep doing.

Lastly, I still battle the quality of my work. I want to be accepted and esteemed. And the only way I’ll get better is to create, learn, grow, evolve, and create some more. (I’m being insanely vulnerable right now. LOL. Makes me a bit scared for anyone to read this, but I’m being honest. At my worst I am insecure and long for the acceptance of others. My person hamster wheel.)

Randomly last night this video played as I let YouTube run. I like this channel (Wheezy News), mainly because the creator, Craig, is my age and conducts experiments I find interesting- like 30 Days without social media or 30 Days as a Vegan. Any who, in this video he explains his perspective on being a creative and it’s very refreshing. He seems almost dispassionate about his work, and I know he isn’t. Wisely, he says not to linger over a project, keep going.

As he talked about his perspective, I felt the a weight lift from my mind. I’ve made being an artist a canyon to cross rather than a journey to enjoy and explore. I took something that is suppose to feed my soul and made demands on it, loading it down with the burden of expectation.

It’s funny how the Lord can encourage me, who he uses, and when. I’m fairly certain my friend Craig is not a believer, but that’s ok. His words are still wise, and what I needed. I suspect I will continue to battle expectations. It’s ok. I’m learning. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it- it being Jesus AND loving myself. I can’t properly love myself without exercising my creativity.

Progress is easier when I have grace for myself. It makes the low moments short and not so low. Thank you Lord.