Daily Journal: #94 Mental Health Day
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I didn’t plan on taking a mental health day today, but I did. I went to my business coach/counselor this morning, and it kinda ruined my day- in the best way. When I got home I ate lunch and rehashed our conversation. Then I re-read and edited all my posts from the last month. (My writing has improved. I’m not Shakespeare, but I am improving.) I basically spent the entire day reviewing the last two months of my life.
Values and Goals
In my session, we talked about goals and the values sets. I know what I value. It’s love. I love to love people. That’s what I want to do with my life. Whenever I’m asked “what do you want to do with your life” my heart responds “I want to love people.” Terrified my brain quickly shits on my heart. I usually blurt some type of more relatable profession. How does one make money “loving people?”
A quick step back and I see a slew of professions related to loving people- counseling, teaching, pastoring, etc. In reality, it is not a hard question to answer. The snag is I do not want to be solely a counselor, a teacher, or pastor. Can’t I be all three? (Not joking.) Moreover, the idea of being a cog in a wheel seems dull. In the professions I mentioned above I notice a certain resigned cynicism among the people in them.
I don’t want what I love to become a life-sucking job. It would be nice to get paid to be me though. That’s my dream.
On Getting Paid to Be Me
A few years ago my dad asked me a simple question, “haven’t you ever had a job you loved?” The answer was, and continues to be, no. My current marketing gig is what it is. I’m thankful for it, and I love the guys I work with at Cultre. Alex and Justin are my brothers. I don’t hate marketing. I just don’t love it. My day is filled with a series of tasks, and very little meaningful human interaction- which is what I crave.
The idea I can craft my values and desires into a job seems like a wild jackass fantasy. For starters, I have no idea how to get paid to be me. My coach told me it's possible, as it is what he did. I’m inclined to believe him. Secondly, I have no idea what I’m offering or what value other people will have for it. What I am confident in is this: I desperately want the jackass fantasy to be true.
Jesus Drinks Patience
One word kept flashing in my mind most of the day: Patience. It’s ironic because I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is I want to get there soon. And why? Because I have a mythical woman I need to impress. (How’s that for honesty?) I’m being as vulnerable as I can when I admit that. In my mind I need to be a full package, not a collection of pieces. I put pressure on myself to have answers, to have my future “figured out.”
I can feel the truth of the moment on my skin. Wherever I am and wherever I’m going is a work in progress. I’ve got to make peace with it. I’ve got to be able to face a woman and tell her- with confidence- this is me. I am mostly poor, loaded with student loan debt, in the midst of a major life shift…and I’m thrilled af about it.
Patience, Nik. The best parts of your life will grow from the seeds watered by patience.
I am terrible at seeing my progress. Finding flaws? No problem. I am a Jedi master at finding flaws. Progress is bit more difficult to locate. I literally must stop my day and review the gains. Today was a good day for this reason. I got perspective on my progress as a man, and the result is a buffer between me and anxiety.
Thank God.
In conclusion, I want to love people and make money while I do it. I believe it’s possible; therefore, I will remain patient in my pursuit of the dream. What a crazy life.
