Daily Journal: #95 Ease Up A Bit, Eh?
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I’ve already written a number of posts on the topic of patience, today will be one more. Those who have patience are the real super heroes. They endure storms and tragedy with uncommon grace because they see beyond sorrow and destruction. Even when they are lost, finding themselves walled in and alone, they don’t stop moving. Yes, this is patience too.
Over the last two months I began to see the path ahead of me. Depending on the moment, the trail seems like a vertical hike up the side of a snow capped mountain, me at the bottom. Or…it feels like I am on one side of a great canyon. My mission is to cross the dark abyss between me and where I want to be. Either way, I feel unprepared and alone.
Neither are true. I am not alone, at the bottom of a mountain, unprepared for to cross the deep. Just feels that way.
Old Dumb Bastard Habit
I wrote this yesterday and it bears repeating: the bulk of my anxiety and impatience stems from my desire to be a complete package of a man. Why? Because. I can only be rejected so many times before I develop my own narrative. That narrative says I am not worthy of a woman. Every woman I have dated has shredded me. None of them dubbed me the one. That hurts. I gave everything I had, and it is never enough. So? I’ve got to be a better me, gotta be someone I’m not. Right?
I hate…I mean hate…this narrative.
For starters, it’s wrong. I am f-cking awesome. Right now, as I am. I am an amazing man. Period. No qualifiers necessary. And you know what makes me so awesome? I don’t give up or concede shit to the enemy or my own fears. It might have taken me twenty years to get to this point, but along the way I didn’t give in to addiction, suicide, self-pity, jealousy, depression, or poverty. I’m not a shell of a person, bitter and self-righteous. I might battle those things on occasion, but I am seated in the holiest of places with Jesus. My heart and mind belong to Him.
(This isn’t about how a handful of women treated me. God bless each one of them. I’d love to know they all walked in the fullness of who they are and the callings on their lives. They are worthy of love. They are awesome. For my sake, I refuse to extract my value from how they treated me at their worst.)
In The Mean Time
I could see my current relationship status as a blessing. But, as stated by Paul, it’s a blessing either way. I’d love to be growing a relationship with someone great, and being single isn’t a curse. I have plenty of time to focus on other parts of my life. You know? Seems like the perfect time to switch careers, start a legit blog, and go to ministry school, right? Yeah. It is.
I love authoring this blog. I look forward to each new post- a sentence I’ve rarely uttered about anything. I know I’ve got to keep writing. It’s a must. Literally. The best part is I don’t care how good I am today. I know I’ll get better tomorrow. A year from today? Oh man, I get excited when I think that far into the future.
Letting This Moment Shine
I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.
How many hours and days have I wasted trying to conjure a relationship? Many. Lots. A few. So…more than focusing on a future relationship, I want to be present.
Thank you Lord for today, and my growing patience. I asked for it and you have given it to me. I trust with you with my life and my future.
A-men.
