Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/6/21 Nik Curfman 5/6/21

Journal: #274 Self-Pity Trap

I hate to admit that. I’m no victim, and no one asked me to be. It’s embarrassing, but doesn’t need to be. I combat self-pity with faith and grace. What’s the big deal? I felt sorry for myself. It would be another act of self-pity to indulge in self-punishment. Poor me. I have “issues.” Yes, I have issues. Sometimes I take life personally.

I was early to an in-person meeting yesterday. Instead of go home, I decided to wait in my car. After a few minutes, my put my phone down and picked up my journal. My thoughts were scattered, so my words were mostly non-sense. On page three, and without effort, I wrote: With all that is happening- cancer and death- I feel like an asshole for needing anything. Why did I believe this? Because. I was trying to be a hero. How lame.

What I really did was something I haven’t done in a long time. I feel into a self-pity trap. I hate to admit that. I’m no victim, and no one asked me to be. It’s embarrassing, but doesn’t need to be. I combat self-pity with faith and grace. What’s the big deal? I felt sorry for myself. It would be another act of self-pity to indulge in self-punishment. Poor me. I have “issues.” Yes, I have issues. Sometimes I take life personally.

It’s time to move on, to take life one day at a time. God is Good.

Nik Curfman 11/19/20 Nik Curfman 11/19/20

Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face it.

Yesterday evening, I sat in my apartment and sunk into self-pity. I felt unworthy of love due to lingering feelings of rejection. As a way of fighting through it, I wrote this poem and published it. The poem was my last healthy resort to a long-simmering problem. Fortunately, it worked. After I admitted my insecurities and saw them on screen, I was able to claim the upper hand.

Temptation Comes From Pain

This morning, I thought about last night. How did I manage to have my head down buried in shame? How did I end up being tempted again? For starters, temptations are more enticing when I am suffering. Temptation and sin are huge scarlet flags: something is wrong.

I never googled ‘porn.’ It usually started as a desire to google ‘photography,’ or some such feeder. I know photo blogs on Tumblr are often used as funnels by the porn industry, so I would lie to myself about my intent. Nothing wrong with looking as photo blogs on Tumblr, right? Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I heard that evil voice again. I recognized it for what it is, but was nonetheless discouraged. I hate I could hear it. When I’m fully healthy, I can’t even hear it.

Today, I laugh as I think about it. Another more subtle temptation is to condemn myself for hearing the voice of temptation. How crazy is that? In truth, I responded the right way. I didn’t partner with shame or my pain. And, it’s ok to battle insecurity. Temptation comes when we are weak to destroy our peace and love, but the Lord uses it to shine a light on our condition. (It’s what the Lord did with Cain, because Cain was tempted out of his rejection. The Lord asked Cain to affirm himself, and he did not.)

I’m proud of myself, and this fight is a positive indicator of my walk with the Lord. As bad as I felt yesterday, I choose to stand my ground. I choose to turn the Lord, and believe what His word. I am loved and worthy of love.

Face the Pain

What I realized today is I avoided myself of late. For a the last few weeks, I didn’t make time to process my suffering. I was scared of me. I hate circling back to the same issues. I want to process my life and move forward. But, that’s not human. It’s not gracious.

It’s ok if it takes time to fully overcome my reoccurring issues. The truth is I’ve made tremendous progress in the areas of rejection and self-worth. This post is proof. Last night was proof. I did not engage in self-destruction or self punishment. That’s a win.

The challenge for an introvert like me is to be unafraid of being alone. When I feel sadness tugging at the corner of my heart or rejection fogging my thoughts, I must face it directly. It’s too easy to spend alone time staring at a screen, completing mindless tasks, or writing blogs. Alone time is meant to be a place to recharge, so I can go back into the world at my best. It’s two edged sword though. Time spent alone is either nourishing or hell, depending on my disposition. When I am lost, alone time becomes a place of misery and self-loathing.

Introverts Need Guidance

“Suffering doesn’t melt away. It must be addressed.” My business coach told me that last July, and he’s right. All of the wishing and avoidance will not vanish the pain we hold. It must be rooted out. So for us introverts it means when we are alone, we use that time to face the pain. It’s a form of self-love and self-care.

(This is not a call to “figure yourself out.” I do not believe in self-perfection. We need each other. I am as guilty as anyone of trying to fix myself, but that’s not what I mean. I have a community of people and professionals to lean on when I need counseling and prayer. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need help from our friends.)

What I want to address is the confession of pain, taking thoughts captive, and renewing our minds.

The first step is confession. Whatever condition we are in, needs to be brought into the light. If you feel like shit, admit it. If you feel abused, confused, or empty, say it. Admitting how we feel is not agreement with it. I might feel rejected, but I don’t believe I’m worthless.
The next action is to question (take captive) our thoughts. My thoughts might tell me I’m worthless or unqualified. But, what if that’s not true? What does the Lord say about me? What are the alternatives? It helps to have the conversation aloud. We engage different parts of our brain when we use our voice. Thoughts are powerful, words are more powerful. So, answer your questions aloud. Anxiety pushes us toward an extreme responses. God’s goodness is somewhere between the two. And, the Lord always says I love you and you are worthy.
Finally, affirm yourself. Tell yourself “I love myself, I am loved, I am special.” Then confirm yourself with Jesus, “Lord, I trust you. I put my faith in you. I release my fear, shame, rejection, and pain.” Include your specific struggle.
Last point: Don’t rush the process. The steps above can be a lifeless routine or life-giving processes. Gratitude is key. I like to end these moments with worship and praise. It repositions my heart and mind to anticipate the goodness of God instead of the plans of the enemy.

I Believe In Being Free

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face my fears.

From this moment onward, I will now begin my alone time with asking myself “how’s your heart Nik?” I want to love myself enough expose my pain so I can heal.

Lord, thank you for grace and wisdom. I’m excited about the future.

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Nik Curfman 11/14/20 Nik Curfman 11/14/20

Daily Journal: #118 Stuck Is A Lie

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

I’ve been there, that hopeless feeling when I see the same sins creep into my routines. It’s present when the scale confirms my worst fear, when my bank account dips lower, and I spend another Friday night on the couch. I’m stuck living a life I hate. I am fat, broke, and alone. I always will be.

These are powerful thoughts to think, even though they are lies. That’s because these are no ordinary lies. There is a logic to them. I’ve battle my weight all of my life, rarely held onto extra dollars, and dated once every few years. There’s a pattern, one I seem unable to break. But…that’s not true.

What Is True

Patterns are a gift from the Lord. I believe that. They tell a story and shine a light on our flaws. It is the enemy who adds condemnation to your insecurity. When I face the same disappointments it is an indication of I have an area in need of my attention.

For nearly 40 years, I thought I was overweight because I was undisciplined, lazy, and impulsive. I could diet for a while, exercise, and focus on my sleep routine. Eventually, I’d fail. I’d fall off the tight rope. The pounds marched back through the door, and usually brought friends. Each extra pound was confirmation I’m stuck being fat.

But, that’s not true.

I wasn’t overweight because I’m lazy or undisciplined. I was overweight because I hated myself, and lacked self-worth. All of my motivation was focused on winning the approval of others. I didn’t have grace for my lapses or mistakes. Each piece of pizza was a symbol of my hopelessness.

Once I learned to love myself, I found the grace to enjoy life without condemnation. I spent an entire weekend in September eating and drinking foods I never eat or drink. When I got back to California, I didn’t sweat it even though I gain a pound or two on the trip. One pound did not turn into twenty.

Get Back to Healthy

My key to moving past my patterns is grace. The more I love myself, the more I am able to move through shame and sorrow. When I got from my trip to Alabama, I went right back to what is healthy for me: walks in the morning with Jesus, intermittent fasting, and a low carb diet. It took a week, but that pound melted off.

In my past, whenever I fell off my horse, I stayed down. I criticized myself for falling and refused to get back on the saddle. It seems silly now, but that’s the truth. I couldn’t handle failure, because failure meant I was unworthy and imperfect.

I am imperfect. I will fail. But, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I am worthy because the Lord says I am. I am loved because I exist. I am amazing, and wonderfully made. These are the truths about Nik (and you.) I am stuck only when I choose to believe that lie. I am not my sins. I am not a loser.

It does not matter how many times I fall, I can get right back up. This week I’ve felt sad everyday, but I’m not stuck in sadness. I let myself feel the sorrow, then I go for a walk with Jesus. Lord, I’m here. I admit my sadness and why I’m sad. Then I let Him take it from me. Instead of spiraling into self-pity and depression, I laugh and the peace of God finds my heart.

I am not stuck.

Moving Through Stuck

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

The next step is immediately go back to what we know is healthy for us. Healthy behavior includes expressing gratitude, exercising self-grace, and question the anxiety (What does the Lord say about me? What is the truth? What else is possible in this moment?) Go for a walk, drink some water, and listen to some worship. Do what it takes to treat yourself with love and kindness.

You’re worth it.

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Nik Curfman 11/11/20 Nik Curfman 11/11/20

Daily Journal: #115 Crying to Laugh

Yesterday, I was able to make it back to a centered place. I want to be who I am no matter what. I want to write and go for hikes no matter the result. I want to post blogs from now till I die, because I love doing it. I want to draw and paint because I like to draw and paint. And it’s easier for me to do all of it when I stop worrying about who watches or reads or is impressed.

In the aftermath of my breakup last May, I had a surplus of motivation. I found it easy to go for walks, eat my veggies, write blog posts, and paint. I had something to prove to someone. A small part of me wanted her to know she f-cked up. And…(more importantly) I wanted to prove to myself I was worth the effort. I wanted to love myself well. By my own standard, I did really well. I did not end up down in a pit of self-pity, and I battled shame like a boss. It was time to trust the Lord more than ever.

Overall, I did about as well as I could considering the mix of emotions, disappointment, and determination to face the pain.

God Knows

As each week passes, I feel the distance growing between me and May 31st. I’m so happy and thankful I decided to press into Jesus and walk ever closer with Him in the aftermath. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. The Lord was so kind and gracious. He knew my heart contained a combination of motivation, and He didn’t care. Purity of motivation isn’t a thing with the Lord.

A while ago (late September or early October), the Lord very distinctly told me to “stay close to Me, stay with Me.” I knew exactly what He meant. The coming months will test my motivation as life churns forward, and it has. I find it easy to perform if I think a crowd is watching, or I have someone to impress. However, the last few weeks, I know no one is watching. I know it’s about me and Him.

Walking and Crying

Last night I felt an undercurrent of anxiety, like something wasn’t quite right. To clear my head and heart I went for a late night stroll. When I got to the top of the hill I finally expressed a thought I’ve chased around my mind. I don’t want her to be the reason I do anything. I want to do what I do for me and You Lord. I tired of the small still existent desire for her to notice me.

In truth my former girlfriend represents more than herself. She is now the representation of all the people I want to impress or win over. And I do not want to live my life trying to gain the approval of others. That’s the old Nik. That’s the Nik that hated himself, because he tried to fit into a box. (Again, this is not about her per se.)

I burst into tears as I confessed my deep fear. Far too long I’ve been motivated to fit in, and I can’t let it creep back into my life. What I do, where I go, I want to be, I want for me.

Laughter Is Good

As I turned to walk home, I felt relieved. I often forget to be honest with the Lord. (By honest I mean unfiltered. Sometimes I try to fix myself before I pray it out. I don’t have to do that.) I did not hear the Lord say anything amazing or earth-shattering. I did feel a great calm and joy settle over my being, and I began to laugh at myself- the way I complicate life. I question myself before I need to question myself. Thankfully, I am slowly letting go of self-judgment, and it’s still there.

God is so good to me. He listens and encourages me, and knows what’s coming. He knew I’d struggle a bit as I moved forward this year. He knew my motivations would shift and change. And His constant encouragement was and is “show up.”

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Nik Curfman 10/22/20 Nik Curfman 10/22/20

Daily Journal: #95 Ease Up A Bit, Eh?

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

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I’ve already written a number of posts on the topic of patience, today will be one more. Those who have patience are the real super heroes. They endure storms and tragedy with uncommon grace because they see beyond sorrow and destruction. Even when they are lost, finding themselves walled in and alone, they don’t stop moving. Yes, this is patience too.

Over the last two months I began to see the path ahead of me. Depending on the moment, the trail seems like a vertical hike up the side of a snow capped mountain, me at the bottom. Or…it feels like I am on one side of a great canyon. My mission is to cross the dark abyss between me and where I want to be. Either way, I feel unprepared and alone.

Neither are true. I am not alone, at the bottom of a mountain, unprepared for to cross the deep. Just feels that way.

Old Dumb Bastard Habit

I wrote this yesterday and it bears repeating: the bulk of my anxiety and impatience stems from my desire to be a complete package of a man. Why? Because. I can only be rejected so many times before I develop my own narrative. That narrative says I am not worthy of a woman. Every woman I have dated has shredded me. None of them dubbed me the one. That hurts. I gave everything I had, and it is never enough. So? I’ve got to be a better me, gotta be someone I’m not. Right?

I hate…I mean hate…this narrative.

For starters, it’s wrong. I am f-cking awesome. Right now, as I am. I am an amazing man. Period. No qualifiers necessary. And you know what makes me so awesome? I don’t give up or concede shit to the enemy or my own fears. It might have taken me twenty years to get to this point, but along the way I didn’t give in to addiction, suicide, self-pity, jealousy, depression, or poverty. I’m not a shell of a person, bitter and self-righteous. I might battle those things on occasion, but I am seated in the holiest of places with Jesus. My heart and mind belong to Him.

(This isn’t about how a handful of women treated me. God bless each one of them. I’d love to know they all walked in the fullness of who they are and the callings on their lives. They are worthy of love. They are awesome. For my sake, I refuse to extract my value from how they treated me at their worst.)

In The Mean Time

I could see my current relationship status as a blessing. But, as stated by Paul, it’s a blessing either way. I’d love to be growing a relationship with someone great, and being single isn’t a curse. I have plenty of time to focus on other parts of my life. You know? Seems like the perfect time to switch careers, start a legit blog, and go to ministry school, right? Yeah. It is.

I love authoring this blog. I look forward to each new post- a sentence I’ve rarely uttered about anything. I know I’ve got to keep writing. It’s a must. Literally. The best part is I don’t care how good I am today. I know I’ll get better tomorrow. A year from today? Oh man, I get excited when I think that far into the future.

Letting This Moment Shine

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

How many hours and days have I wasted trying to conjure a relationship? Many. Lots. A few. So…more than focusing on a future relationship, I want to be present.

Thank you Lord for today, and my growing patience. I asked for it and you have given it to me. I trust with you with my life and my future.

A-men.

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Nik Curfman 10/19/20 Nik Curfman 10/19/20

Daily Journal: #92 Pushing Through A Day

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

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A Long Day

You ever have a day so long it makes yesterday seem like a week ago? That’s me today. I can remember yesterday, but it seems ages since. I spent most of the day making and sending revisions (of a photo banner) to a customer incapable of being satisfied. I’m thankful most of my work is not design work. God bless graphic designers.

In addition to work being a mental and emotional challenge, I’ve experienced an annoying level of resentment toward a few friends. I say annoying because I don’t want to be bitter or upset with them. Truly. I don’t enjoy spending any energy addressing past offenses or perceived slights. Yet, I know I’ve got to face the disappointment .

As I sensed my emotions rise this evening, I made a choice. I put on my shoes and went for a long walk. It was good to get outside and feel the cool air on my face. The smoke finally cleared out a few weeks ago, and Redding is in full autumn bloom. It’s beautiful. The changing leaves and striking skies were enough to remind me to be in moment. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated by life and work today. But, my life is good. I am good. Nature in all its glory did work in my heart.

Moving Through It

If I learned anything the last year it is to face pain before it controls me. Real or imagined, any amount of suffering reveals something about me. I think today I learned I still have a bit to go in my battle with rejection and self-worth. When I believe in me, nothing can touch me. When I have healthy expectations, I’m good. And when I want something from someone who doesn’t have the capability or desire to deliver? That’s the place sorrow and pain grows.

It’s easy to want to hold people to their word and promises. After all, they set the tone and contributed to the expectation. But what am I to do? Make laws out of what someone said, so I can crucify them later, when they fall short? That’s not grace. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. That’s being a dick, and I refuse to be a dick.

I think it’s ok to feel whatever I feel. It’s not healthy to deny our emotions, and I can’t face my flaws without being honest. But emotions are not the truth of moment, they merely represent my interpretation of life in a given moment. I start to move through frustration and sorrow when I stop trying to fix the problem before acknowledging it exists.

Writing this blog helped. It helps to go back, way back to why I find myself in a hole. I get in trouble when I interpret behavior as a statement on my self-worth. No one gets to determine what I’m worth including me. Jesus loves me, and the says I am worth His life.

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

Lord, I believe you. No matter what comes, I am your son. As your son, no one can tell me what I am worth. It hurts when I want something I will not receive. But, that’s not my destiny. My future is with You, not my expectations.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/26/20 Nik Curfman 9/26/20

DJ: #70 Being Unique Sucks (Some Days)

This week, I’ve felt a lingering lack of self-worth. Not all the time, and not in huge waves. Regardless, I hate it. I feel gross and needy. I feel like I’m looking for to affirm my lack of value. How dumb is that? I’m happy I have this blog and people to lean on in this moment. I’m mostly grateful I have prayer. I will not sink into this any longer.

Every woman I dated has said it. My business coach told me to embrace and celebrate it. I am unique and special, and it f-cking sucks.

First of all, in 2020, when we say something is “special” we usually mean the short bus kinda of special. And how many of us were trained to use words like unique to describe sh-tty art or horrid food instead of crushing the creators heart? I know I was. The words special and unique do not carry the positive, or affirming, weight they once did.

In case you were wondering, a dictionary definition of unique is something like “being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else” and special is “better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.” When I use these words, I intend to communicate something similar to this as defined above- unique is something rare, and special is better and different compared to the norm.

My experience as a unique and special man is that no one really gives a sh-t. Unique doesn’t mean valued. Special doesn’t mean desired. Most people want and value what they know. Most people are drones who takes cues from others. (Am I being bitter? Perhaps, but this is also true. Most people are not unique. They are shadows are something else, and they are quite content to be so.)

The truth now present in my mind is what I want people to communicate. I want people to communicate value. I know I’m special. I know I have a unique blend of talents, skills, abilities, and emotional depth. I do not need to be affirmed in this. I want to be valued, to be loved without qualification. I want people to fight for me damnit. (And some have. I’m not unaware of the friends and family who continue to love and support me no matter what. This is not a self-pity inspired rants.) What good is being special if it isn’t valued? Therein lies my biggest problem, my need to have my personhood affirmed by others. In this, I don’t think I’m special. I think most of us want to be affirmed without qualifiers.

I am special. I am unique. I am worthy of love. I love myself. I am loved. I am valuable.