DJ: #70 Being Unique Sucks (Some Days)

Every woman I dated has said it. My business coach told me to embrace and celebrate it. I am unique and special, and it f-cking sucks.

First of all, in 2020, when we say something is “special” we usually mean the short bus kinda of special. And how many of us were trained to use words like unique to describe sh-tty art or horrid food instead of crushing the creators heart? I know I was. The words special and unique do not carry the positive, or affirming, weight they once did.

In case you were wondering, a dictionary definition of unique is something like “being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else” and special is “better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.” When I use these words, I intend to communicate something similar to this as defined above- unique is something rare, and special is better and different compared to the norm.

My experience as a unique and special man is that no one really gives a sh-t. Unique doesn’t mean valued. Special doesn’t mean desired. Most people want and value what they know. Most people are drones who takes cues from others. (Am I being bitter? Perhaps, but this is also true. Most people are not unique. They are shadows are something else, and they are quite content to be so.)

The truth now present in my mind is what I want people to communicate. I want people to communicate value. I know I’m special. I know I have a unique blend of talents, skills, abilities, and emotional depth. I do not need to be affirmed in this. I want to be valued, to be loved without qualification. I want people to fight for me damnit. (And some have. I’m not unaware of the friends and family who continue to love and support me no matter what. This is not a self-pity inspired rants.) What good is being special if it isn’t valued? Therein lies my biggest problem, my need to have my personhood affirmed by others. In this, I don’t think I’m special. I think most of us want to be affirmed without qualifiers.

This week, I’ve felt a lingering lack of self-worth. Not all the time, and not in huge waves. Regardless, I hate it. I feel gross and needy. I feel like I’m looking for to affirm my lack of value. How dumb is that? I’m happy I have this blog and people to lean on in this moment. I’m mostly grateful I have prayer. I will not sink into this any longer.

I am special. I am unique. I am worthy of love. I love myself. I am loved. I am valuable.