Daily Journal: #92 Pushing Through A Day
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A Long Day
You ever have a day so long it makes yesterday seem like a week ago? That’s me today. I can remember yesterday, but it seems ages since. I spent most of the day making and sending revisions (of a photo banner) to a customer incapable of being satisfied. I’m thankful most of my work is not design work. God bless graphic designers.
In addition to work being a mental and emotional challenge, I’ve experienced an annoying level of resentment toward a few friends. I say annoying because I don’t want to be bitter or upset with them. Truly. I don’t enjoy spending any energy addressing past offenses or perceived slights. Yet, I know I’ve got to face the disappointment .
As I sensed my emotions rise this evening, I made a choice. I put on my shoes and went for a long walk. It was good to get outside and feel the cool air on my face. The smoke finally cleared out a few weeks ago, and Redding is in full autumn bloom. It’s beautiful. The changing leaves and striking skies were enough to remind me to be in moment. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated by life and work today. But, my life is good. I am good. Nature in all its glory did work in my heart.
Moving Through It
If I learned anything the last year it is to face pain before it controls me. Real or imagined, any amount of suffering reveals something about me. I think today I learned I still have a bit to go in my battle with rejection and self-worth. When I believe in me, nothing can touch me. When I have healthy expectations, I’m good. And when I want something from someone who doesn’t have the capability or desire to deliver? That’s the place sorrow and pain grows.
It’s easy to want to hold people to their word and promises. After all, they set the tone and contributed to the expectation. But what am I to do? Make laws out of what someone said, so I can crucify them later, when they fall short? That’s not grace. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. That’s being a dick, and I refuse to be a dick.
I think it’s ok to feel whatever I feel. It’s not healthy to deny our emotions, and I can’t face my flaws without being honest. But emotions are not the truth of moment, they merely represent my interpretation of life in a given moment. I start to move through frustration and sorrow when I stop trying to fix the problem before acknowledging it exists.
Writing this blog helped. It helps to go back, way back to why I find myself in a hole. I get in trouble when I interpret behavior as a statement on my self-worth. No one gets to determine what I’m worth including me. Jesus loves me, and the says I am worth His life.
Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.
Lord, I believe you. No matter what comes, I am your son. As your son, no one can tell me what I am worth. It hurts when I want something I will not receive. But, that’s not my destiny. My future is with You, not my expectations.
Amen.
