Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/19/20 Nik Curfman 10/19/20

Daily Journal: #92 Pushing Through A Day

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

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A Long Day

You ever have a day so long it makes yesterday seem like a week ago? That’s me today. I can remember yesterday, but it seems ages since. I spent most of the day making and sending revisions (of a photo banner) to a customer incapable of being satisfied. I’m thankful most of my work is not design work. God bless graphic designers.

In addition to work being a mental and emotional challenge, I’ve experienced an annoying level of resentment toward a few friends. I say annoying because I don’t want to be bitter or upset with them. Truly. I don’t enjoy spending any energy addressing past offenses or perceived slights. Yet, I know I’ve got to face the disappointment .

As I sensed my emotions rise this evening, I made a choice. I put on my shoes and went for a long walk. It was good to get outside and feel the cool air on my face. The smoke finally cleared out a few weeks ago, and Redding is in full autumn bloom. It’s beautiful. The changing leaves and striking skies were enough to remind me to be in moment. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated by life and work today. But, my life is good. I am good. Nature in all its glory did work in my heart.

Moving Through It

If I learned anything the last year it is to face pain before it controls me. Real or imagined, any amount of suffering reveals something about me. I think today I learned I still have a bit to go in my battle with rejection and self-worth. When I believe in me, nothing can touch me. When I have healthy expectations, I’m good. And when I want something from someone who doesn’t have the capability or desire to deliver? That’s the place sorrow and pain grows.

It’s easy to want to hold people to their word and promises. After all, they set the tone and contributed to the expectation. But what am I to do? Make laws out of what someone said, so I can crucify them later, when they fall short? That’s not grace. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. That’s being a dick, and I refuse to be a dick.

I think it’s ok to feel whatever I feel. It’s not healthy to deny our emotions, and I can’t face my flaws without being honest. But emotions are not the truth of moment, they merely represent my interpretation of life in a given moment. I start to move through frustration and sorrow when I stop trying to fix the problem before acknowledging it exists.

Writing this blog helped. It helps to go back, way back to why I find myself in a hole. I get in trouble when I interpret behavior as a statement on my self-worth. No one gets to determine what I’m worth including me. Jesus loves me, and the says I am worth His life.

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

Lord, I believe you. No matter what comes, I am your son. As your son, no one can tell me what I am worth. It hurts when I want something I will not receive. But, that’s not my destiny. My future is with You, not my expectations.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/1/20 Nik Curfman 10/1/20

A: Keep Fishing

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

They struggled all night through the dark and frustration. How many times did they lower their nets only to pull them back empty? At what point did hope turn to doubt, and doubt to angst?

Isn’t life like that, full hopes vanish into empty nets?

With visions of a secure future, we lower our hopes into the deep. We know, without doubt, our prize is down there. And oh what a prize, the trophy meant to secure our future and settle our stature.

Once, twice, three times we pull the nets back, each turn a blow to out resolve. Our ego springs into action and buoys our sinking hope. We remind ourself ‘anything worth doing is hard’ and ‘and empty nets are part of the process.’

We shift out stance, change form, run the numbers in our minds, anything to justify our continued search for the elusive prize. Day churns into night, and the horizon to the East begins to lighten. Day is coming, and we are empty handed.

The new day brings only pain. They know we are out here, striving to find our reward. Public failure is the worst. It’s only human nature to back a winner, and we lost. The empty net is a failure resonating through out lives.

Even in this humiliation wisdom exists, when we let Him into the boat. Against our will, He asks for trust. Even more, He asks us- tired and weary- to go back out into the deep.

Here is the breaking point for most of us. When we are at our end, empty and exhausted, He asks for more, He asks us to have faith. It is a faith we don’t believe we have.

Soon, we behold the harvest only possible in His presence- nets full beyond our ability to contain them. And this is where we begin our tale.

From faith we find He has a purpose meant just for us. Whatever we were will inform the higher destiny of what we become.

Nik Curfman 9/30/20 Nik Curfman 9/30/20

DJ: #74 Stream of Conscious Thought

Regardless, I feel backed up. This month has been a continual roller-coaster of emotion and progress. I want to relent, to breath, and maybe relax. I long to let go of the future and the past. Lord, I just want to exist in this moment with You.

All I really wanna do is everything and nothing. I wanna get my work done and do nothing. I wanna sit in a dark room and watch movies I’ve seen a dozen times, eat pizza and fall asleep until May. I also want to do none of that, because I know it’ll lead to shame and guilt and withdrawal. Something feels off, and I don’t know what it is. I’m making good choices. Despite my insecurity I continue to practice love and grace.

I pride myself on knowing my emotions, motivations, and desires. But today isn’t that day. I’m also becoming aware of several mental habits I have when I’m hurting. I look for someone to blame. I pick imaginary fights with people I feel justified fighting. It’s like I need to place on my pain on someone so I can battle it. Like it needs a face. If I feel attacked or belittled, I conjure a person who did those things and argue with them.

I have a deadline today and two meetings. I want to implode them all. So…I’m just going to take this one task at a time.

1) Finish this blog, edit, and publish.

2) Complete Project scope/timeline for customer.

3) Meet with Nic.

4) Go eat tacos with Nathan.

That’s what I’m gonna do because I don’t let my emotions determine my worth or choices.