Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/19/20 Nik Curfman 10/19/20

Daily Journal: #92 Pushing Through A Day

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

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A Long Day

You ever have a day so long it makes yesterday seem like a week ago? That’s me today. I can remember yesterday, but it seems ages since. I spent most of the day making and sending revisions (of a photo banner) to a customer incapable of being satisfied. I’m thankful most of my work is not design work. God bless graphic designers.

In addition to work being a mental and emotional challenge, I’ve experienced an annoying level of resentment toward a few friends. I say annoying because I don’t want to be bitter or upset with them. Truly. I don’t enjoy spending any energy addressing past offenses or perceived slights. Yet, I know I’ve got to face the disappointment .

As I sensed my emotions rise this evening, I made a choice. I put on my shoes and went for a long walk. It was good to get outside and feel the cool air on my face. The smoke finally cleared out a few weeks ago, and Redding is in full autumn bloom. It’s beautiful. The changing leaves and striking skies were enough to remind me to be in moment. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated by life and work today. But, my life is good. I am good. Nature in all its glory did work in my heart.

Moving Through It

If I learned anything the last year it is to face pain before it controls me. Real or imagined, any amount of suffering reveals something about me. I think today I learned I still have a bit to go in my battle with rejection and self-worth. When I believe in me, nothing can touch me. When I have healthy expectations, I’m good. And when I want something from someone who doesn’t have the capability or desire to deliver? That’s the place sorrow and pain grows.

It’s easy to want to hold people to their word and promises. After all, they set the tone and contributed to the expectation. But what am I to do? Make laws out of what someone said, so I can crucify them later, when they fall short? That’s not grace. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. That’s being a dick, and I refuse to be a dick.

I think it’s ok to feel whatever I feel. It’s not healthy to deny our emotions, and I can’t face my flaws without being honest. But emotions are not the truth of moment, they merely represent my interpretation of life in a given moment. I start to move through frustration and sorrow when I stop trying to fix the problem before acknowledging it exists.

Writing this blog helped. It helps to go back, way back to why I find myself in a hole. I get in trouble when I interpret behavior as a statement on my self-worth. No one gets to determine what I’m worth including me. Jesus loves me, and the says I am worth His life.

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

Lord, I believe you. No matter what comes, I am your son. As your son, no one can tell me what I am worth. It hurts when I want something I will not receive. But, that’s not my destiny. My future is with You, not my expectations.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/17/20 Nik Curfman 10/17/20

Daily Journal: #90 Learning to Keep Sabbath

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

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My Irreverent View of Tradition

Admittedly, I don’t have a high value for observing Jewish holidays and traditions. I don’t see the point. (And to each their own, it just isn’t for me.) Jesus didn’t seem concerned with Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur or Passover. Paul, being a Jew’s Jew, didn’t promote the observance of Jewish law or traditions. So it would seem the New Testament lacks a certain reverence for them.

I’ve always chuckled at Messianic Christians. (Messianic Christians are Christians who incorporate Jews dietary laws, traditions, and other practices into their Christianity.) Like…why? Bacon is delicious, and seder is depressing. It’s as though they dismissed the Jesus who came to set us free from rigid rule-keeping and mindless tradition. However, as already stated, to each their own. Anyone who will read this blog will easily poke holes in what I say and do. Being on the outside of a thing is easy. I hope each dedicated Messianic has powerful encounters with Jesus. That’s what matters most.

So, What’s Up with Sabbath?

Three months ago, my friend Alex told me about his efforts to observe a sabbath each week- a whole day dedicated to rest and relaxation. He doesn’t have a strict set of rules. For instance, he cooks for himself and will do small tasks like fill his tank with gas if need be. Aside from these minimal tasks, he has managed to do almost nothing but enjoy the passing of a day, maybe going for a walk with his dog or swimming in the river.

As he spoke, I felt a need to listen. I stopped observing a true day off as a way to rebel against church, and now I worked nearly everyday. In fact…I feel guilty and lazy if I don’t do something productive everyday. And in case you haven’t read anything else I’ve written this year, I am learning to love myself which includes learning to relax, to let go of expectation.

It took me three month, but I finally got around to “observing a sabbath.” Last week, I did ok. Today? Not so good. I tried to do nothing, maybe watch some football. Then by 5 PM I felt anxiety creeping into my heart. You made a commitment to get that project done. I literally began to tell myself, “You didn’t do anything wrong Nik,” as tears leaked down my face.

I really want to be able to relax and enjoy life. More importantly, I do not want to define myself by how productive I am. It’s a trap. I spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to others and myself. It’s an endless negative feedback loop, forever discontent. I either have value or I don’t. The Lord loves me because I exist and I am his creation. That’s enough.

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

Lord, thank you for being good to me. Thank you for answering my anxiety. You are my shelter and my counselor, my friend and my Savior.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/24/20 Nik Curfman 9/24/20

DJ: #68 Instant Gratification Ain’t Love

And now there’s more to my life than my buying habits. I do not look for consumption to fill my voids. I no longer burden Hulu or Amazon with the task of personal fulfillment. I do not expect my community to prop me up and define me. For the first time in my life, I love myself. I value me and my talents regardless of how valuable they are to others.

I’ve chewed on this one for while, the difference love and gratification. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to confusing the two concepts. I’ve treated myself to large plates of calorie laden food in the name of love, and smoked cigarettes to “calm down.” I’ve binge-watched Harry Potter(multiple times) and spent money on books I’ve never read because I “deserved it.” Like so many others, I believed what the ads and commercials told me. The keys to love and happiness are within my grasp if only I would indulge myself. Everybody else is binging Tiger King on Netflix, why not me?

The real irony is most of these activities- eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, etc- are perfectly fine on their own. I love Harry Potter*, great food, and finding a good deal on art supplies. I’m also the man who has watched the Secret Life of Walter Mitty at least twenty times this summer, at least. I’ll watch it again. However, none of this is how I love myself. These activities are meant to be space where joy can bloom, but are not joy of themselves.

Love isn’t in what we consume, rather Love is in what we engage, create, and connect. As we love ourselves, we drop judgment and the need for purpose. We exist in a moment for the sake of being in it. We write because our heart longs to express itself in words. We exercise because our bodies love to move. We remodel furniture because we find joy in redemption. We sit in His presence not to be transformed into the next great Christian minister, but because He’s our home and shelter. We do the things we need to do regardless of value to others. And the more we practice this highest form of self-love, the easier it becomes.

I can’t accurately describe the feeling I felt in May. It was as if someone dropped a stone in my soul. This stone was a complete understanding which united heart and mind to a common purpose. In May, I tried to keep a sinking relationship a float. I began to ignore my needs, and my health deteriorated. Similar to the previous August, my stomach began to spasm and hurt. Then, on the last Friday of the month, the last Friday of my relationship, I went home from work early to rest and allow my stomach to heal.

I sat on my couch and wept for hours. I knew my relationship was going to end soon. My business partnership was in tatters too. And now, my health was on the edge again. I cried out in exhaustion, and that’s when the stone settled in my soul:

I’ve got to take care of myself no matter what. Life will always have ups and downs. I can’t let circumstance dictate how I treat myself any more. I’ve got to eat well, get sleep, exercise, create, write, and pray. Always pray. I’m the best version of me when I sit with Jesus, and that’s the best way to love me. I can’t tear myself down for anyone else. No one was asking for that anyway.
There is a part of life meant for me to love myself. There is a part of my soul only I can love and care for. It was meant for me. No one else can do for me what I can and must do for myself. No one can exercise or pray for me. No one can write for me. No one can feed my soul like this.
And yet there is a place for others as well. It’s a beautiful balance He created.

The summer of 2020 has been about me and Jesus. I’ve spent all the free-time I have in pursuit of me, what’s in my heart to do. Yes, the beginning was difficult. I had to change my priorities…by making myself a priority. I put myself and my interests at the top of the list of “things to do.” I am no longer the last in line for my time and energy, and I start each day by going for walk with Jesus, which sets the tone everyday.

No. I’m not sure where any of this is going. I don’t care. I’d rather live content with who I am and what I’m about than worry about the future. I’d rather live my life in accordance to what gives me life than be numb to it.

I’ve written this blog today for myself and for you. For me, I want to remind myself of what is good, of His goodness. But for you I want to offer you a challenge and promise. For sixty days, sit with Jesus, intentionally, everyday. Be honest in your prayers. Make time to listen to His voice. And read the Gospels. (I read one chapter from one of the Gospels everyday.) Make it the priority of your life. Allow Him to show you how good He is. It’ll change your life.

*I’ll fight any fellow Christian who wants to say Harry Potter is demonic. You have no idea what you’re talking about. In the final book/movie Harry is sacrificed and ends up in Kings Cross Station. He is then resurrected to defeat evil [and a giant snake]. It’s a damn allegory.

Nik Curfman 9/7/20 Nik Curfman 9/7/20

DJ: #56 Fight for Yourself

What feeds our soul and nourishes our spirit is always free. The food we crave is in the doing and being. The problem with these acts and motions is they require inner motivation. We must believe they are worth doing and are as crucial as oxygen. We must prioritize ourselves, confess “I’m worthy of love and I love myself.”

I am weary to sound authoritarian in this space. I am no expert or sage. But, if you’ll allow, today I feel the Spirit. So stick with me.

Outside of us are a thousand voice trying to sell us a solution. Amazon made it a one-click fix. Wal Mart will deliver your answers. Apple will stream what you want to soothe your soul. They aren’t the only ones though. Have you read the latest “life-changing” book? Or tried the newest “energy-boosting” diet? But retail therapy and self-help literature are no substitute for the act of loving yourself.

Here is a million dollars and ten-thousand days worth of wisdom:

What feeds our soul and nourishes our spirit is free. The food we crave is in the doing and being. The problem with these acts and motions is they require inner motivation. We must believe they are worth doing and are as crucial as oxygen. We must prioritize ourselves, confess “I’m worthy of love and I love myself.”

When I decided to love myself, I finally found the strength to sit with Jesus and feed my heart. When I choose to face my fear of failure and rejection, I found acceptance. Every time I decide to battle the insecurity of the day I move bit closer to complete victory. I am important, and I deserve to treat myself as well as I can. My world is vastly different than it was, despite the world around me being mostly the same mess it always is.

To you, my loved reader, I say advise this: love thyself. Please. Your soul has parts only you can feed and grow. Find what gives you life and engage it everyday, no excuses. If it’s reading, then read. If it’s having coffee on the back porch, then sip away.

My favorites are:

My morning walk with Jesus, to pray and affirm myself.
A good diet. I eat well and it’s good for me.
Writing. I’m not particularly talented or skilled, but I enjoy watching words appear on a screen or on a paper.
Being creative. Fortunately my job requires creative thinking. And I began to make art again. Which is scary, but thrilling.
My evening grounding session. I find a patch of grass to plunk down upon, pray, and listen. Usually I will also journal and read.

All of these activities give me space to breath and find my center in Jesus. They allow me to connect to who I am. Find yours, then guard them as though your soul depends on it. You need you as much as you need anyone else.

Nik Curfman 9/2/20 Nik Curfman 9/2/20

DJ: #50 A New Routine

I haven’t failed, and my life isn’t tied to the moment. This simple change in perspective is powerful. I’m not angry or worried about my future. I’m not worried about the client, partially because I know everything and everyone is going to be OK. My future doesn’t hinge on a single event.

This morning I woke up to an email from a client. An ad I created for their business was rejected by Facebook for violating the “Personal Attribute Policy.” After nearly an hour of wrangling, the ad is still in review as of this post. Facebook has tightened their controls to a ridiculous degree, and it is affecting small businesses. They are literally dictating the wording I use…for a local gardening business. A garden business. People trying to help the community get the most out of their home gardens.

Stupid.

I was annoyed. I’m just a man trying to help his clients grow and create business. And, like it or not, Facebook has become an integral part of small business growth. I don’t like it. Facebook can make decisions, like a government, and the rest of us have to adjust. It is what is.

I say I was annoyed, because after wrestling with the beast, I chose a different path. I got up, walked outside, and let my frustration out into the wind. The wind can have it. I don’t need or want it. I can’t control Facebook, and I’m doing the best I can. It is what it is. No need to carry it around all day.

In the past, I was tripped and defeated by moments like this. A tiny hurdle could send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Not today Satan.

Thank you Lord for sticking with me. For teaching me to let go. Thank you for giving me vision for how to love myself when the winds howl in my face. Even to giggle at their failure.

Nik Curfman 8/8/20 Nik Curfman 8/8/20

My Frustrated Growth

Last night, I turned into my parking spot and noticed a gaping hole in my apartment where the front door usually hangs. It’s not like my roommate to leave the front door open as he detests temperatures above 70 degrees. I shut the car off and waited in silence. My mind formed a rationale which my nose confirmed, the bastard burned his food…AGAIN.

He wouldn’t call it burned, he’d call it roasted. Whatever the semantics, the result is a smokey apartment, my nose inflamed, and my eyes stinging. It’s a common enough occurrence at our apartment that I’ve spoken to him about it before. Several times. And still he persists, as if filling the whole house with burnt chicken fat smoke is the only way to cook chicken.

This morning I woke up at the usual 5:30 am, but decided to sleep in to 8 am. Felt good to let myself do that. As a prize, I drove to Mount Lassen National Park for an easy hike around the lake. The drive up was pleasant; however, I spent ¾ of the hike in tears and frustration.

I’m frustrated with how I responded to Ben’s smokey culinary technique, and I am sad today is the last day I might get to see her- which is probably false. (It’s a small town, and I’m not intentionally avoiding her.) After continuing to pray, I sat on a large lichen covered rock under the shade of a red fir.

In tears I tried to fight off the judgment now surrounding me. I did not respond to Ben’s hazy endeavor with serene kindness and gentle tones. And today when I noticed his pile of dishes next to the dishwasher rather than in the dishwasher I was less than cordial about it.

And the girl? I spent most of the morning in imaginary arguments, trying to defend myself. Trying to prove my worth to her. Such fun.

I hate being this guy. The pensive, self-doubting, defensive asshole. I hate getting angry at my roommate. In truth, Ben is a good roommate and a sweet man. And she is awesome. (We had to break up, something I think was for the best for both of us.)

As stated above, my real problem is me, not them. (Well…the food burning has to stop.) But I’m upset at my responses, and I’ve judged myself. That’s got to stop too. The answer to feeling attacked isn’t to respond to the attack, it’s too love myself. Good thing growth isn’t a straight line toward the utopian horizon. It dips and climbs each day.

The last ¼ of my hike I spent affirming myself. I’m amazing. I’m a great man. I love people and look for the good in everyone. Then I came home to the dishes, and a semi-emotional meltdown. Did I say growth dipped and climbed everyday? How about every few hours? LOLOLOLOL

Now, I’m typing my feelings into the internet.

Grace is a funny bird. Western Christians generally understand Grace to be something unearned, a relentless love and mercy. But it’s also something we can bestow upon ourselves. Grace to you Nik.

Lord, thank you for teaching me to love myself. Thank you for setting the example.

Amen.