DJ: #68 Instant Gratification Ain’t Love
I’ve chewed on this one for while, the difference love and gratification. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to confusing the two concepts. I’ve treated myself to large plates of calorie laden food in the name of love, and smoked cigarettes to “calm down.” I’ve binge-watched Harry Potter(multiple times) and spent money on books I’ve never read because I “deserved it.” Like so many others, I believed what the ads and commercials told me. The keys to love and happiness are within my grasp if only I would indulge myself. Everybody else is binging Tiger King on Netflix, why not me?
The real irony is most of these activities- eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, etc- are perfectly fine on their own. I love Harry Potter*, great food, and finding a good deal on art supplies. I’m also the man who has watched the Secret Life of Walter Mitty at least twenty times this summer, at least. I’ll watch it again. However, none of this is how I love myself. These activities are meant to be space where joy can bloom, but are not joy of themselves.
Love isn’t in what we consume, rather Love is in what we engage, create, and connect. As we love ourselves, we drop judgment and the need for purpose. We exist in a moment for the sake of being in it. We write because our heart longs to express itself in words. We exercise because our bodies love to move. We remodel furniture because we find joy in redemption. We sit in His presence not to be transformed into the next great Christian minister, but because He’s our home and shelter. We do the things we need to do regardless of value to others. And the more we practice this highest form of self-love, the easier it becomes.
I can’t accurately describe the feeling I felt in May. It was as if someone dropped a stone in my soul. This stone was a complete understanding which united heart and mind to a common purpose. In May, I tried to keep a sinking relationship a float. I began to ignore my needs, and my health deteriorated. Similar to the previous August, my stomach began to spasm and hurt. Then, on the last Friday of the month, the last Friday of my relationship, I went home from work early to rest and allow my stomach to heal.
I sat on my couch and wept for hours. I knew my relationship was going to end soon. My business partnership was in tatters too. And now, my health was on the edge again. I cried out in exhaustion, and that’s when the stone settled in my soul:
I’ve got to take care of myself no matter what. Life will always have ups and downs. I can’t let circumstance dictate how I treat myself any more. I’ve got to eat well, get sleep, exercise, create, write, and pray. Always pray. I’m the best version of me when I sit with Jesus, and that’s the best way to love me. I can’t tear myself down for anyone else. No one was asking for that anyway.
There is a part of life meant for me to love myself. There is a part of my soul only I can love and care for. It was meant for me. No one else can do for me what I can and must do for myself. No one can exercise or pray for me. No one can write for me. No one can feed my soul like this.
And yet there is a place for others as well. It’s a beautiful balance He created.
The summer of 2020 has been about me and Jesus. I’ve spent all the free-time I have in pursuit of me, what’s in my heart to do. Yes, the beginning was difficult. I had to change my priorities…by making myself a priority. I put myself and my interests at the top of the list of “things to do.” I am no longer the last in line for my time and energy, and I start each day by going for walk with Jesus, which sets the tone everyday.
And now there’s more to my life than my buying habits. I do not look for consumption to fill my voids. I no longer burden Hulu or Amazon with the task of personal fulfillment. I do not expect my community to prop me up and define me. For the first time in my life, I love myself. I value me and my talents regardless of how valuable they are to others.
No. I’m not sure where any of this is going. I don’t care. I’d rather live content with who I am and what I’m about than worry about the future. I’d rather live my life in accordance to what gives me life than be numb to it.
I’ve written this blog today for myself and for you. For me, I want to remind myself of what is good, of His goodness. But for you I want to offer you a challenge and promise. For sixty days, sit with Jesus, intentionally, everyday. Be honest in your prayers. Make time to listen to His voice. And read the Gospels. (I read one chapter from one of the Gospels everyday.) Make it the priority of your life. Allow Him to show you how good He is. It’ll change your life.
*I’ll fight any fellow Christian who wants to say Harry Potter is demonic. You have no idea what you’re talking about. In the final book/movie Harry is sacrificed and ends up in Kings Cross Station. He is then resurrected to defeat evil [and a giant snake]. It’s a damn allegory.
