Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/31/21 Nik Curfman 3/31/21

Journal: #243 Choose You

My conversation today reminded me of me. I was him until last summer. I wish I could show him how he’s taking the long way around the mountain- that he can start to build and grow his dreams today. I wish him success, but I don’t see it. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. If I’m right- in six months- he’ll come calling again. Another business idea he doesn’t love, but believes is more viable than what’s in his heart.

For lunch today, I ate with an old friend. He’s one of the first people I met when I moved to Redding, and remains one of the people I stayed loosely connected to over the my time here. He “started a business” aka joined another MLM/marketing scheme. At this point, I don’t care. Some people make a lot of money working those pyramids, but most do not. I hope he’s one of the few who does.

He came for a lunch visit to discuss how to market his new “business.” I gave him my honest take on MLM companies and how best to go about build his organization. (My biggest problem with MLM’s is the focus on growing the “down-line” aka recruiting people to sell. What ends up happening is the focus becomes recruiting, not selling product. Eventually someone has to sell product. So I told my buddy how to focus on selling product to money-paying customers.) At one point during lunch he had me read a vision statement, which included his why. It was passionate and well-written. My heart broke for him. As far as he’s come, he’s still nibbling at the edges of what the Lord has for him.

No one wants to work in a pyramid scheme, just like no one grows up longing to clean toilets or work the late shift in a customer service call center. We take these jobs because we must, and there’s no shame in it. We’ve got to eat, keep the house warm, and replace old underwear. If we’re lucky we can save a few bucks and plan a vacation. This is life for most Americans. For whatever reason, we stopped pursuing the dreams in our heart. We turned back from our aspirations to service our demands. There’s no shame in hard work, but there is shame if children go hungry.

My friend is guy with a wife, with kids, and mortgage. Running after his dreams isn’t something he thinks is possible right now. He’s doing what we do in this situation. He’s putting his effort into a secondary pursuit. He wants “passive income.” Then one day…when he’s satisfied his fears, he’ll run after that thing. Except that’s not true. More money will lead to more expenses. The only way off the hamster wheel is to jump and never go back. It fear that keeps his feet to fire and afraid of failure.

If you’re reading this, please, pursue what the Lord put inside you to do. You don’t have to quit your job or ignore your commitments. But, for the love of God, you owe yourself and the world. You owe me. The biggest problem in the world isn’t sin or conflict. The biggest problem in the world is it is full of people denying themselves the grace and love required to be the unique creation the Lord made each of us to be. Fear is a sonofabitch. Lies are the worst. When they work together, they keep us tied down in cycles of bullshit and resentment. No one is worthy. It’s not about that. The best lives are lived by those who grab life by the horns and never let go.

Nik Curfman 11/14/20 Nik Curfman 11/14/20

Daily Journal: #118 Stuck Is A Lie

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

I’ve been there, that hopeless feeling when I see the same sins creep into my routines. It’s present when the scale confirms my worst fear, when my bank account dips lower, and I spend another Friday night on the couch. I’m stuck living a life I hate. I am fat, broke, and alone. I always will be.

These are powerful thoughts to think, even though they are lies. That’s because these are no ordinary lies. There is a logic to them. I’ve battle my weight all of my life, rarely held onto extra dollars, and dated once every few years. There’s a pattern, one I seem unable to break. But…that’s not true.

What Is True

Patterns are a gift from the Lord. I believe that. They tell a story and shine a light on our flaws. It is the enemy who adds condemnation to your insecurity. When I face the same disappointments it is an indication of I have an area in need of my attention.

For nearly 40 years, I thought I was overweight because I was undisciplined, lazy, and impulsive. I could diet for a while, exercise, and focus on my sleep routine. Eventually, I’d fail. I’d fall off the tight rope. The pounds marched back through the door, and usually brought friends. Each extra pound was confirmation I’m stuck being fat.

But, that’s not true.

I wasn’t overweight because I’m lazy or undisciplined. I was overweight because I hated myself, and lacked self-worth. All of my motivation was focused on winning the approval of others. I didn’t have grace for my lapses or mistakes. Each piece of pizza was a symbol of my hopelessness.

Once I learned to love myself, I found the grace to enjoy life without condemnation. I spent an entire weekend in September eating and drinking foods I never eat or drink. When I got back to California, I didn’t sweat it even though I gain a pound or two on the trip. One pound did not turn into twenty.

Get Back to Healthy

My key to moving past my patterns is grace. The more I love myself, the more I am able to move through shame and sorrow. When I got from my trip to Alabama, I went right back to what is healthy for me: walks in the morning with Jesus, intermittent fasting, and a low carb diet. It took a week, but that pound melted off.

In my past, whenever I fell off my horse, I stayed down. I criticized myself for falling and refused to get back on the saddle. It seems silly now, but that’s the truth. I couldn’t handle failure, because failure meant I was unworthy and imperfect.

I am imperfect. I will fail. But, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I am worthy because the Lord says I am. I am loved because I exist. I am amazing, and wonderfully made. These are the truths about Nik (and you.) I am stuck only when I choose to believe that lie. I am not my sins. I am not a loser.

It does not matter how many times I fall, I can get right back up. This week I’ve felt sad everyday, but I’m not stuck in sadness. I let myself feel the sorrow, then I go for a walk with Jesus. Lord, I’m here. I admit my sadness and why I’m sad. Then I let Him take it from me. Instead of spiraling into self-pity and depression, I laugh and the peace of God finds my heart.

I am not stuck.

Moving Through Stuck

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

The next step is immediately go back to what we know is healthy for us. Healthy behavior includes expressing gratitude, exercising self-grace, and question the anxiety (What does the Lord say about me? What is the truth? What else is possible in this moment?) Go for a walk, drink some water, and listen to some worship. Do what it takes to treat yourself with love and kindness.

You’re worth it.

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Nik Curfman 11/11/20 Nik Curfman 11/11/20

Daily Journal: #115 Crying to Laugh

Yesterday, I was able to make it back to a centered place. I want to be who I am no matter what. I want to write and go for hikes no matter the result. I want to post blogs from now till I die, because I love doing it. I want to draw and paint because I like to draw and paint. And it’s easier for me to do all of it when I stop worrying about who watches or reads or is impressed.

In the aftermath of my breakup last May, I had a surplus of motivation. I found it easy to go for walks, eat my veggies, write blog posts, and paint. I had something to prove to someone. A small part of me wanted her to know she f-cked up. And…(more importantly) I wanted to prove to myself I was worth the effort. I wanted to love myself well. By my own standard, I did really well. I did not end up down in a pit of self-pity, and I battled shame like a boss. It was time to trust the Lord more than ever.

Overall, I did about as well as I could considering the mix of emotions, disappointment, and determination to face the pain.

God Knows

As each week passes, I feel the distance growing between me and May 31st. I’m so happy and thankful I decided to press into Jesus and walk ever closer with Him in the aftermath. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. The Lord was so kind and gracious. He knew my heart contained a combination of motivation, and He didn’t care. Purity of motivation isn’t a thing with the Lord.

A while ago (late September or early October), the Lord very distinctly told me to “stay close to Me, stay with Me.” I knew exactly what He meant. The coming months will test my motivation as life churns forward, and it has. I find it easy to perform if I think a crowd is watching, or I have someone to impress. However, the last few weeks, I know no one is watching. I know it’s about me and Him.

Walking and Crying

Last night I felt an undercurrent of anxiety, like something wasn’t quite right. To clear my head and heart I went for a late night stroll. When I got to the top of the hill I finally expressed a thought I’ve chased around my mind. I don’t want her to be the reason I do anything. I want to do what I do for me and You Lord. I tired of the small still existent desire for her to notice me.

In truth my former girlfriend represents more than herself. She is now the representation of all the people I want to impress or win over. And I do not want to live my life trying to gain the approval of others. That’s the old Nik. That’s the Nik that hated himself, because he tried to fit into a box. (Again, this is not about her per se.)

I burst into tears as I confessed my deep fear. Far too long I’ve been motivated to fit in, and I can’t let it creep back into my life. What I do, where I go, I want to be, I want for me.

Laughter Is Good

As I turned to walk home, I felt relieved. I often forget to be honest with the Lord. (By honest I mean unfiltered. Sometimes I try to fix myself before I pray it out. I don’t have to do that.) I did not hear the Lord say anything amazing or earth-shattering. I did feel a great calm and joy settle over my being, and I began to laugh at myself- the way I complicate life. I question myself before I need to question myself. Thankfully, I am slowly letting go of self-judgment, and it’s still there.

God is so good to me. He listens and encourages me, and knows what’s coming. He knew I’d struggle a bit as I moved forward this year. He knew my motivations would shift and change. And His constant encouragement was and is “show up.”

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Nik Curfman 10/17/20 Nik Curfman 10/17/20

Daily Journal: #90 Learning to Keep Sabbath

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

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My Irreverent View of Tradition

Admittedly, I don’t have a high value for observing Jewish holidays and traditions. I don’t see the point. (And to each their own, it just isn’t for me.) Jesus didn’t seem concerned with Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur or Passover. Paul, being a Jew’s Jew, didn’t promote the observance of Jewish law or traditions. So it would seem the New Testament lacks a certain reverence for them.

I’ve always chuckled at Messianic Christians. (Messianic Christians are Christians who incorporate Jews dietary laws, traditions, and other practices into their Christianity.) Like…why? Bacon is delicious, and seder is depressing. It’s as though they dismissed the Jesus who came to set us free from rigid rule-keeping and mindless tradition. However, as already stated, to each their own. Anyone who will read this blog will easily poke holes in what I say and do. Being on the outside of a thing is easy. I hope each dedicated Messianic has powerful encounters with Jesus. That’s what matters most.

So, What’s Up with Sabbath?

Three months ago, my friend Alex told me about his efforts to observe a sabbath each week- a whole day dedicated to rest and relaxation. He doesn’t have a strict set of rules. For instance, he cooks for himself and will do small tasks like fill his tank with gas if need be. Aside from these minimal tasks, he has managed to do almost nothing but enjoy the passing of a day, maybe going for a walk with his dog or swimming in the river.

As he spoke, I felt a need to listen. I stopped observing a true day off as a way to rebel against church, and now I worked nearly everyday. In fact…I feel guilty and lazy if I don’t do something productive everyday. And in case you haven’t read anything else I’ve written this year, I am learning to love myself which includes learning to relax, to let go of expectation.

It took me three month, but I finally got around to “observing a sabbath.” Last week, I did ok. Today? Not so good. I tried to do nothing, maybe watch some football. Then by 5 PM I felt anxiety creeping into my heart. You made a commitment to get that project done. I literally began to tell myself, “You didn’t do anything wrong Nik,” as tears leaked down my face.

I really want to be able to relax and enjoy life. More importantly, I do not want to define myself by how productive I am. It’s a trap. I spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to others and myself. It’s an endless negative feedback loop, forever discontent. I either have value or I don’t. The Lord loves me because I exist and I am his creation. That’s enough.

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

Lord, thank you for being good to me. Thank you for answering my anxiety. You are my shelter and my counselor, my friend and my Savior.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 9/24/20 Nik Curfman 9/24/20

DJ: #68 Instant Gratification Ain’t Love

And now there’s more to my life than my buying habits. I do not look for consumption to fill my voids. I no longer burden Hulu or Amazon with the task of personal fulfillment. I do not expect my community to prop me up and define me. For the first time in my life, I love myself. I value me and my talents regardless of how valuable they are to others.

I’ve chewed on this one for while, the difference love and gratification. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to confusing the two concepts. I’ve treated myself to large plates of calorie laden food in the name of love, and smoked cigarettes to “calm down.” I’ve binge-watched Harry Potter(multiple times) and spent money on books I’ve never read because I “deserved it.” Like so many others, I believed what the ads and commercials told me. The keys to love and happiness are within my grasp if only I would indulge myself. Everybody else is binging Tiger King on Netflix, why not me?

The real irony is most of these activities- eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, etc- are perfectly fine on their own. I love Harry Potter*, great food, and finding a good deal on art supplies. I’m also the man who has watched the Secret Life of Walter Mitty at least twenty times this summer, at least. I’ll watch it again. However, none of this is how I love myself. These activities are meant to be space where joy can bloom, but are not joy of themselves.

Love isn’t in what we consume, rather Love is in what we engage, create, and connect. As we love ourselves, we drop judgment and the need for purpose. We exist in a moment for the sake of being in it. We write because our heart longs to express itself in words. We exercise because our bodies love to move. We remodel furniture because we find joy in redemption. We sit in His presence not to be transformed into the next great Christian minister, but because He’s our home and shelter. We do the things we need to do regardless of value to others. And the more we practice this highest form of self-love, the easier it becomes.

I can’t accurately describe the feeling I felt in May. It was as if someone dropped a stone in my soul. This stone was a complete understanding which united heart and mind to a common purpose. In May, I tried to keep a sinking relationship a float. I began to ignore my needs, and my health deteriorated. Similar to the previous August, my stomach began to spasm and hurt. Then, on the last Friday of the month, the last Friday of my relationship, I went home from work early to rest and allow my stomach to heal.

I sat on my couch and wept for hours. I knew my relationship was going to end soon. My business partnership was in tatters too. And now, my health was on the edge again. I cried out in exhaustion, and that’s when the stone settled in my soul:

I’ve got to take care of myself no matter what. Life will always have ups and downs. I can’t let circumstance dictate how I treat myself any more. I’ve got to eat well, get sleep, exercise, create, write, and pray. Always pray. I’m the best version of me when I sit with Jesus, and that’s the best way to love me. I can’t tear myself down for anyone else. No one was asking for that anyway.
There is a part of life meant for me to love myself. There is a part of my soul only I can love and care for. It was meant for me. No one else can do for me what I can and must do for myself. No one can exercise or pray for me. No one can write for me. No one can feed my soul like this.
And yet there is a place for others as well. It’s a beautiful balance He created.

The summer of 2020 has been about me and Jesus. I’ve spent all the free-time I have in pursuit of me, what’s in my heart to do. Yes, the beginning was difficult. I had to change my priorities…by making myself a priority. I put myself and my interests at the top of the list of “things to do.” I am no longer the last in line for my time and energy, and I start each day by going for walk with Jesus, which sets the tone everyday.

No. I’m not sure where any of this is going. I don’t care. I’d rather live content with who I am and what I’m about than worry about the future. I’d rather live my life in accordance to what gives me life than be numb to it.

I’ve written this blog today for myself and for you. For me, I want to remind myself of what is good, of His goodness. But for you I want to offer you a challenge and promise. For sixty days, sit with Jesus, intentionally, everyday. Be honest in your prayers. Make time to listen to His voice. And read the Gospels. (I read one chapter from one of the Gospels everyday.) Make it the priority of your life. Allow Him to show you how good He is. It’ll change your life.

*I’ll fight any fellow Christian who wants to say Harry Potter is demonic. You have no idea what you’re talking about. In the final book/movie Harry is sacrificed and ends up in Kings Cross Station. He is then resurrected to defeat evil [and a giant snake]. It’s a damn allegory.