Walk in the Woods

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Daily Journal: #114 That. Did not. Go. Well.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My sister and I do not get along well. This was not always the case. We were rivals into high school, then we became best friends for a few years. She bought me clothes from J Crew, and we took ski trips to West Virginia. I’d sneak into bars in Five Points just to have a beer with her. Then I moved away to go to college. Within a few weeks she started dating a man (the first of many douches), and that was that.

Our relationship began to deteriorate the very day I moved away, though none of us knew it. And as I said at the start of this post, our relationship is an ornery shadow of what it was. I think we both hold onto to what was. We hope for some kind of revival, and I’m not sure it’s possible.

What’s the Issue?

My sister and I couldn’t be more different than we are. She’s loud, lacks self-awareness, and loves being the center of attention. She dives into whatever she deems worthy of her time and effort. And, she is the quintessential evangelist/salesperson. I can be loud, but I prefer small interpersonal interactions. I’m constantly aware of myself- too aware. I loath sales and could careless about being an evangelist.

More than personality differences, we stand on opposite sides of what it means to love the person across from you. I believe in boundaries, honor, and apologies. My sister, at least from her words and actions, does not believe in such behavior. She is the only person in my life I must remind of the boundaries. The. Only. One.

The Cycle

For the last ten years, my sister and I have engaged in a consistent pattern of behavior. It usually goes something like this:

Pleasant conversation - > boundary violation - > reinforcement of boundary - > disagreement/argument - > long silence - > Pleasant conversation….

This last blow up was, by our standards, mild. We didn’t cuss each other out or lob verbal grenades at each other. We simply disagreed on what respect and honor look like. And now we are onto another period of long silence. At this point, I’m ok with it. Most of our conversations revolve around her life and whatever crisis she is in. I’m not missing much. “Oh really? Your life sucks? Aw. (Repeat.)”

I rarely tell her about my life, and at this point I don’t care what she knows. When I get married, I doubt I’ll invite her. Why would I? Obligation is not my thing. When I get married, I want to have a party with people who have my back and truly love me. I don’t want to spend one second wondering if a guest is going to act like a fool.

What’s The Solution

Yesterday I prayed my frustrations to the Lord, “Lord, I don’t care if we ever get along.” This was, of course, a lie. I was hurt, because deep in my heart I absolutely want a healthy relationship with my sister. I don’t see how it’s possible. I want to give up on her. It feels hopeless.

The Lord challenged me, “Stop saying you don’t care about your sister when you know you do.” Ok, God. Good point. But, I feel like shit. If I am a good person, shouldn’t I have a good relationship with my sister? Make all the right relationship choices with each person I know?

Yeah…this is a lot bigger than a brother/sister relationship.

As the argument ensued with my sister, I heard the voices, “You say you love people, but look how you treat your sister.” So I argued back, “I will not violate myself for my sister, a relationship with her should not mean I have to live in fear of her wrath. I shouldn’t have to listen to her complain and belittle other people.”

I know I’m right. I know people who have and maintain boundaries often look selfish to people without them. They can’t understand limits. After all, doesn’t love “hope all things, believe all things, etc?” Yes it does. And because love hopes and believes, it knows healthy boundaries are real, not control.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My Prayer

Lord, I believe You have a path for anyone willing to walk and climb and never give up. So, I don’t know how, but I believe a healthy relationship with my sister is possible. Show me my error, how I can love her more. But also, how do I love and honor myself.

I trust You Jesus. Thank you.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #95 Ease Up A Bit, Eh?

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

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I’ve already written a number of posts on the topic of patience, today will be one more. Those who have patience are the real super heroes. They endure storms and tragedy with uncommon grace because they see beyond sorrow and destruction. Even when they are lost, finding themselves walled in and alone, they don’t stop moving. Yes, this is patience too.

Over the last two months I began to see the path ahead of me. Depending on the moment, the trail seems like a vertical hike up the side of a snow capped mountain, me at the bottom. Or…it feels like I am on one side of a great canyon. My mission is to cross the dark abyss between me and where I want to be. Either way, I feel unprepared and alone.

Neither are true. I am not alone, at the bottom of a mountain, unprepared for to cross the deep. Just feels that way.

Old Dumb Bastard Habit

I wrote this yesterday and it bears repeating: the bulk of my anxiety and impatience stems from my desire to be a complete package of a man. Why? Because. I can only be rejected so many times before I develop my own narrative. That narrative says I am not worthy of a woman. Every woman I have dated has shredded me. None of them dubbed me the one. That hurts. I gave everything I had, and it is never enough. So? I’ve got to be a better me, gotta be someone I’m not. Right?

I hate…I mean hate…this narrative.

For starters, it’s wrong. I am f-cking awesome. Right now, as I am. I am an amazing man. Period. No qualifiers necessary. And you know what makes me so awesome? I don’t give up or concede shit to the enemy or my own fears. It might have taken me twenty years to get to this point, but along the way I didn’t give in to addiction, suicide, self-pity, jealousy, depression, or poverty. I’m not a shell of a person, bitter and self-righteous. I might battle those things on occasion, but I am seated in the holiest of places with Jesus. My heart and mind belong to Him.

(This isn’t about how a handful of women treated me. God bless each one of them. I’d love to know they all walked in the fullness of who they are and the callings on their lives. They are worthy of love. They are awesome. For my sake, I refuse to extract my value from how they treated me at their worst.)

In The Mean Time

I could see my current relationship status as a blessing. But, as stated by Paul, it’s a blessing either way. I’d love to be growing a relationship with someone great, and being single isn’t a curse. I have plenty of time to focus on other parts of my life. You know? Seems like the perfect time to switch careers, start a legit blog, and go to ministry school, right? Yeah. It is.

I love authoring this blog. I look forward to each new post- a sentence I’ve rarely uttered about anything. I know I’ve got to keep writing. It’s a must. Literally. The best part is I don’t care how good I am today. I know I’ll get better tomorrow. A year from today? Oh man, I get excited when I think that far into the future.

Letting This Moment Shine

I’ll rob myself of joy and peace if I burden today with what I think I need to be. I choose to believe, deep in my bones, I’m going to meet someone who loves me as I am. The best I can do is dive deeper into what it means to be Nicklaus. It’s a task completed one day at a time.

How many hours and days have I wasted trying to conjure a relationship? Many. Lots. A few. So…more than focusing on a future relationship, I want to be present.

Thank you Lord for today, and my growing patience. I asked for it and you have given it to me. I trust with you with my life and my future.

A-men.

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DJ: #69 Ask And You Shall Receive?

How many of us prayed prayers and watched them die, watched the opposite happen? I prayed all spring for a relationship only to watch it fall apart. When I step back, it was best. I needed to go on in my way with Jesus, and her in her way with Jesus. But still, couldn’t we have done it together? Perhaps. But we didn’t.

Jesus made a number of crazy claims and promises, but none more troubling than Mark 11:24. I’m wrestling with it today, and I desperately want to believe Him. And if I do, then what? What do I ask for, what’s my motivation, and does that even matter? (Oh…you need a reminder? I would too. I remember words, but rarely the book, chapter, and verse.) Let’s review, and I’ll add context by including verse 23 (New Nik Version):

“I am telling you, if any of you says to that mountain, “get your ass into the sea” without doubt, but you believe it will happen, it’s gonna happen. Keep what I say in your heart. Therefore, whatever you ask our Father in prayer, believe for it, hold it and continue on in faith, and you will receive it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:23-24 (NNV)

How many of us prayed prayers and watched them die, watched the opposite happen? I prayed all spring for a relationship only to watch it fall apart. When I step back, it was best. I needed to go on in my way with Jesus, and her in her way with Jesus. But still, couldn’t we have done it together? Perhaps. But we didn’t.

More to my point this morning, what do I do with this promise by Jesus? What I truly want is strong, confident woman to marry and adventure through life as a team. I want a woman in love with Jesus, and herself. And yet…my heart still had room for her. She is still learning and growing. More importantly, she doesn’t want me. It’s a real deal breaker. LOLOLOLOL (I’m truly laughing with joy as I type this. I want someone who wants me. It’s rule #1.)

Over the last month or so, I’ve felt a healthy and good disconnect from her. It needed to happen regardless of what the future holds. And then I read Mark 11. Do I pray for a generic woman, yet to surface on my radar? Or her? Do I sit in faith and hope? I don’t know. I don’t think there is a wrong answer.

Part of me just wants to move on. If I trust the Lord and if she comes back around in a romantic sense, do I need to pray for it? In this mindset I wouldn’t need to pray for anything. I think my issue is whatever ask for in prayer, I will put thought and emotion behind. And as I typed those words I know what to do. This is about trusting Jesus and not specific desires. The Lord has a plan and destiny for me, and that’s all I want.

Lord,

You know my desire for a strong and healthy relationship with a strong and healthy woman. I want a great family, full of love and joy, and peace. I ask you to prepare my heart and mind for the journey. Prepare her heart and mind for the journey. Surround both of us with community to watch over and guide us through the rough moments and pitfalls.

I open my heart for Your best for my life. I trust you Jesus. You know of my love and appreciation for her. And like I’ve done a thousand times this year, I give everything to you. I’m more interested in something glorious and beautiful in your sight, than my mine. Your loving will be done in my life and heart.

(Also, bless her today. Shower her with joy and peace and love.)

Amen.

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