Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/11/21 Nik Curfman 6/11/21

Journal: #303 Nik to Major Tom

Today, I promise to be the man I want my children to know. I promise to be bold and courageous, to face whatever lies between me and my best life. I reject the wordly lies. I reject the idea only some people can live out their dreams. I reject fear and complacency. Today, I’m Major Tom. I’m climbing in my tin can and shooting far above my known world.

I just typed a bunch of nonsense and spent too much time doing it. I know what I want to write, but my mind is censoring my heart. It’s a bit like trying to mold clay. The sculpture is there, waiting to be discovered. And so, with today's post, the subject is there (the obligation each of us has to walk in our calling and destiny), but I’m unwilling to let it out. I’m afraid to offend parents who use their children as an excuse to be powerless. Now that I’ve exposed my hesitation, I’ll continue.

This morning, my roommate sent me a text about Major Tom. That led to a discussion of the movie Walter Mitty. However, the song Space Oddity, more commonly known as Major Tom by David Bowie, is my favorite. The tune has many interpretations ranging from the lows of drug abuse to facing the unknown with courage. I prefer the latter perspective.

As my readers know, I’d rather face the unknown than live a life of boring routines. It’s a luxury for me to be able to think this way. Most people are hung up trying to take care of someone else, a spouse, a child, or a parent. I’m privileged, and I know it. We are born, educated, and told to get a job. It’s the happy few who can take stock of what they really want- how they want to impact the world. Many people are in debt and family deep by the time they realize who they are. More importantly, we are often locked into life-sucking patterns and sequences. My heart hurts for the parents and spouses married to lives radically different from want they wanted from life.

I recognize the commitment required to be a good partner and parent. I don’t dismiss or encourage anyone to be a shitty husband or wife. However, children and responsibilities are not an excuse to live in misery. Each one of us has a passion and a destiny. The denial of the pursuit of these passions and destinies leads to sick hearts. Self-denial is NOT healthy. (There’s a difference between self-denial and self-discipline. One is a state of self-defeat, and the other is a state of self-care. Suffering unfulfilled dreams is not the same as suffering the temptation of a brownie.)

I’m committed to venturing into my promised land. It’s mine, and the desert is boring. At times I was willing to sacrifice my desires for a woman and a family. Now I realize I don’t have to. My mission is to be me, to marry someone who is who she is, and to raise our kids to do the same. What a glorious part of my destiny. My task today is to be the man I want my future children to respect and follow. I don’t want to tell my kids how life should be lived. I want to model it for them.

It’s an odd thought to have, but I’m glad I’m thinking it. As single as I am, I want to be the man my kids will respect. I want them to know how to live their best lives because they see me doing it. I want them to see me love the Lord, love their mother, and myself. Then I want them to be little Major Toms. I want them to explore, create, and grow. They won’t learn what I can’t teach them, so I owe them my best effort. I owe it to them to be me, to explore, to create, and grow.

Today, I promise to be the man I want my children to know. I promise to be bold and courageous, to face whatever lies between me and my best life. I reject the wordly lies. I reject the idea only some people can live out their dreams. I reject fear and complacency. Today, I’m Major Tom. I’m climbing in my tin can and shooting far above my known world.

Nik Curfman 6/1/21 Nik Curfman 6/1/21

Abstract: Enjoy The Grind

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

It seems to me, for the people who love what they do,

they love the grind of the process and as a result the process demands little of them.

It’s not work- they soul-sucking kind—if you enjoy it.

It’s why every single job has someone who is happy and many who are not.

None of us were born to file files, write emails, or organize shelves.

No child has yet to answer “I wanna be a customer service representative for a shitty cable company” when they grow up.

High school kids are not prepared to punch a clock simply to wait for the day to end.

No mid-level manager is thrilled by presentations or report computations.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

My task is to find what I will enjoy, even in the grind.

Nik Curfman 2/7/21 Nik Curfman 2/7/21

Journal: #199 Shouldn’t I Be Creative Too?

My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

Friday night I wrote a much longer blog post about my life as an artist. It included my history, struggle, and current engagement/creative process. Then, in an instant, it was gone. (Pro-tip: Save your writing.) So now, here’s a condensed version.

Last week, on one of my walks, I thought about the differences in 2-D creative process to 3-D creative process. They are wildly different, yet I seem intent on ignoring one for the sake of the other. Somewhere in my life I picked up the idea I need to be able to draw before going on to any other kind of work. I know it’s silly, but I need to expose the lie for it’s silliness.

Whenever I try to draw or paint I can hear a thousand judgements after each stroke and line. Your perspective is all wrong. That’s not what an ear looks like. No one will like this. Who are you drawing for?

I do pat myself on the back for pushing through it lately. I like to sketch in my journal (which no one will ever read and thusly the sketches are for me.) So what if my paintings are a pile of dook? I’m never going to get any better fearing it or talking about it. But, that’s not the rub. The real rub is why don’t I make more three-dimensional works of art? It’s my first love.

Whenever I bend wire or construct a random sculpture, I experience none of the judgements I feel when I draw or paint. I love what I make. The other day, when I began work on a face, I felt nothing but joy when I stopped for the day. I couldn’t take my eyes away from what I made.

Last summer, when I decided to begin pursuing my artistic heart, I did so by painting and drawing. It was a good place to start because it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t require a lot of space. It was also a concession. I settled for painting and drawing. I know why too. I settled for drawing and painting because I’d rather “fail” at those than sculpture.

More recently I’ve become aware of another, more sinister fear: sculpting isn’t “good enough” for the Kingdom. To be a proper Christian means I’ve got to talk about Jesus with every waking breath. The only acceptable art in the Christian world is evangelical art. Right? Smith Wigglesworth’s only book was the Bible. So I too must be that uncompromising, even within myself. Right?

Wrong. Smith Wigglesworth- though a hero of mine- sounded like an uncompromising ass. My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

I’ll I know is I feel joy, hope, love, and peace when I sculpt. If we are to believe what Paul said to the Galatians isn’t what I just described the fruit of the Spirit? My question is, of course, rhetorical. When I sculpt I am doing what I see my Father doing. It’s no different than a young boy shaving his hairless face because that’s what dad does every morning.

As all these thoughts and fears, in addition to few others swirled in my mind last week, a new idea took root. What if my life, the one the Lord made for me, doesn’t look like anyone else’s? What if I don’t fit any mold? It’s a scary and tantalizing thought. The lack of a model is the scary bit. How do I know if I’m doing “it” right?

The only answer, the only way I’ll know if I’m doing “it” right, is to stick with Jesus. I’ve got to walk by faith and trust Him in all things. When my art isn’t Christian enough, I trust Him. When I create a space for people to be messy and it looks odd to a Church looking for “holiness”, I will trust Him. When I date again or buy land or invest in a new security, I will lay my life in His hands.

I can do this. I was born to do so.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 10/24/20 Nik Curfman 10/24/20

Daily Journal: #97 Jesus Is Greater Than We Know

No matter what my shortcomings are, the ways of the Kingdom are always at hand. I see the insecurity of Peter in my past, the pride of the Sons of Thunder in my actions, and battered emotions of Thomas might as well be my own. And yet…Jesus is asking me to have faith, to love, to answer His call on my life.

How great is that?

LINKS

Walk in the Woods Blog

About

Marketing Services

Contact

Jesus is greater than we think He is. I realize it is a very Christian-ese thing to write. Of course He is, what else would I say? Hear me out.

Our beloved Messiah made many high-minded statements including “if you have faith for this mountain to move, it will move,” and “seek and you will find, knock and the door shall be opened, ask and it shall be given.” It is these sentiments we gravitate toward, but most of us do not walk in these realities.

Most of us settle for less as Christians. We accept the mountain as immovable and the doors are always locked. We believe a powerful faith is beyond us because we are not special. And yet, none of these promises come with a qualifier. Jesus didn’t say faith and extreme love are reserved for clergy or mystics.

Faith Requires Courage

I heard a new phrase the other day and it resonated in my bones: miracle opportunity. The phrase would’ve offended me a few years ago, but not now. I want all the God I can stuff into each and every day. Instead of seeing life as a series of tragic moments, I can create room for God to be God. Life has certainly presented a number of miracle opportunities lately.

In the last two weeks alone a number of friends have been hospitalized or diagnosed with a severe illness, including cancer and COVID-19. Not too lone ago I would’ve taken all this “bad news,” some kind of burden, as though it were up to me to fix them. (What an odd thought process.) Today, I see all of these difficult situations as miracle opportunities, mountains to be moved.

One friend has battled COVID-19 for an extended time. I haven’t seen them in weeks, and my heart aches when they text updates. Regardless, when I pray for them I pray with hope and expectation. I believe in their complete healing and recovery. Nothing less.

I don’t think faith is feeling or dramatic happening. It is the willingness to do, to move, to ask and persist.

The Endurance of Jesus

The disciples weren’t the cream of the crop, but they are who Jesus wanted. (For example, why Jesus didn’t ask John the Baptist to follow him?) He loved them with the kind of patience and persistence we expect from a Savior.

Consider the following. Peter was a flakey deserter. John and James were focused on status and their egos, and Thomas was so traumatized by the death of Jesus, he refused to believe resurrection was possible. Despite all of these serious flaws, Jesus confronted their shortcomings with love and patience.

But it’s more than that. Jesus pursued these guys. He knew Peter would wilt in the face of persecution. He knew John and James had douche bag tendencies. And He was willing to get in Thomas’ face to demonstrate the reality of resurrection. Jesus never gave up.

Jesus sought, knocked, and asked. He moved mountains. He has only asked us to trust Him. And since He told us to seek, knock, ask, and move mountains, guess what? We can seek, knock, ask, and move mountains.

How great is that?

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 10/21/20 Nik Curfman 10/21/20

Daily Journal: #94 Mental Health Day

I am terrible at seeing my progress. Finding flaws? No problem. I am a Jedi master at finding flaws. Progress is bit more difficult to locate. I literally must stop my day and review the gains. Today was a good day for this reason. I got perspective on my progress as a man, and the result is a buffer between me and anxiety.

LINKS

Walk in the Woods Blog

About

Marketing Services

Contact

I didn’t plan on taking a mental health day today, but I did. I went to my business coach/counselor this morning, and it kinda ruined my day- in the best way. When I got home I ate lunch and rehashed our conversation. Then I re-read and edited all my posts from the last month. (My writing has improved. I’m not Shakespeare, but I am improving.) I basically spent the entire day reviewing the last two months of my life.

Values and Goals

In my session, we talked about goals and the values sets. I know what I value. It’s love. I love to love people. That’s what I want to do with my life. Whenever I’m asked “what do you want to do with your life” my heart responds “I want to love people.” Terrified my brain quickly shits on my heart. I usually blurt some type of more relatable profession. How does one make money “loving people?”

A quick step back and I see a slew of professions related to loving people- counseling, teaching, pastoring, etc. In reality, it is not a hard question to answer. The snag is I do not want to be solely a counselor, a teacher, or pastor. Can’t I be all three? (Not joking.) Moreover, the idea of being a cog in a wheel seems dull. In the professions I mentioned above I notice a certain resigned cynicism among the people in them.

I don’t want what I love to become a life-sucking job. It would be nice to get paid to be me though. That’s my dream.

On Getting Paid to Be Me

A few years ago my dad asked me a simple question, “haven’t you ever had a job you loved?” The answer was, and continues to be, no. My current marketing gig is what it is. I’m thankful for it, and I love the guys I work with at Cultre. Alex and Justin are my brothers. I don’t hate marketing. I just don’t love it. My day is filled with a series of tasks, and very little meaningful human interaction- which is what I crave.

The idea I can craft my values and desires into a job seems like a wild jackass fantasy. For starters, I have no idea how to get paid to be me. My coach told me it's possible, as it is what he did. I’m inclined to believe him. Secondly, I have no idea what I’m offering or what value other people will have for it. What I am confident in is this: I desperately want the jackass fantasy to be true.

Jesus Drinks Patience

One word kept flashing in my mind most of the day: Patience. It’s ironic because I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is I want to get there soon. And why? Because I have a mythical woman I need to impress. (How’s that for honesty?) I’m being as vulnerable as I can when I admit that. In my mind I need to be a full package, not a collection of pieces. I put pressure on myself to have answers, to have my future “figured out.”

I can feel the truth of the moment on my skin. Wherever I am and wherever I’m going is a work in progress. I’ve got to make peace with it. I’ve got to be able to face a woman and tell her- with confidence- this is me. I am mostly poor, loaded with student loan debt, in the midst of a major life shift…and I’m thrilled af about it.

Patience, Nik. The best parts of your life will grow from the seeds watered by patience.

Thank God.

In conclusion, I want to love people and make money while I do it. I believe it’s possible; therefore, I will remain patient in my pursuit of the dream. What a crazy life.