Journal: #199 Shouldn’t I Be Creative Too?

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Friday night I wrote a much longer blog post about my life as an artist. It included my history, struggle, and current engagement/creative process. Then, in an instant, it was gone. (Pro-tip: Save your writing.) So now, here’s a condensed version.

Last week, on one of my walks, I thought about the differences in 2-D creative process to 3-D creative process. They are wildly different, yet I seem intent on ignoring one for the sake of the other. Somewhere in my life I picked up the idea I need to be able to draw before going on to any other kind of work. I know it’s silly, but I need to expose the lie for it’s silliness.

Whenever I try to draw or paint I can hear a thousand judgements after each stroke and line. Your perspective is all wrong. That’s not what an ear looks like. No one will like this. Who are you drawing for?

I do pat myself on the back for pushing through it lately. I like to sketch in my journal (which no one will ever read and thusly the sketches are for me.) So what if my paintings are a pile of dook? I’m never going to get any better fearing it or talking about it. But, that’s not the rub. The real rub is why don’t I make more three-dimensional works of art? It’s my first love.

Whenever I bend wire or construct a random sculpture, I experience none of the judgements I feel when I draw or paint. I love what I make. The other day, when I began work on a face, I felt nothing but joy when I stopped for the day. I couldn’t take my eyes away from what I made.

Last summer, when I decided to begin pursuing my artistic heart, I did so by painting and drawing. It was a good place to start because it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t require a lot of space. It was also a concession. I settled for painting and drawing. I know why too. I settled for drawing and painting because I’d rather “fail” at those than sculpture.

More recently I’ve become aware of another, more sinister fear: sculpting isn’t “good enough” for the Kingdom. To be a proper Christian means I’ve got to talk about Jesus with every waking breath. The only acceptable art in the Christian world is evangelical art. Right? Smith Wigglesworth’s only book was the Bible. So I too must be that uncompromising, even within myself. Right?

Wrong. Smith Wigglesworth- though a hero of mine- sounded like an uncompromising ass. My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

I’ll I know is I feel joy, hope, love, and peace when I sculpt. If we are to believe what Paul said to the Galatians isn’t what I just described the fruit of the Spirit? My question is, of course, rhetorical. When I sculpt I am doing what I see my Father doing. It’s no different than a young boy shaving his hairless face because that’s what dad does every morning.

As all these thoughts and fears, in addition to few others swirled in my mind last week, a new idea took root. What if my life, the one the Lord made for me, doesn’t look like anyone else’s? What if I don’t fit any mold? It’s a scary and tantalizing thought. The lack of a model is the scary bit. How do I know if I’m doing “it” right?

The only answer, the only way I’ll know if I’m doing “it” right, is to stick with Jesus. I’ve got to walk by faith and trust Him in all things. When my art isn’t Christian enough, I trust Him. When I create a space for people to be messy and it looks odd to a Church looking for “holiness”, I will trust Him. When I date again or buy land or invest in a new security, I will lay my life in His hands.

I can do this. I was born to do so.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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