Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/7/21 Nik Curfman 2/7/21

Journal: #199 Shouldn’t I Be Creative Too?

My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

Friday night I wrote a much longer blog post about my life as an artist. It included my history, struggle, and current engagement/creative process. Then, in an instant, it was gone. (Pro-tip: Save your writing.) So now, here’s a condensed version.

Last week, on one of my walks, I thought about the differences in 2-D creative process to 3-D creative process. They are wildly different, yet I seem intent on ignoring one for the sake of the other. Somewhere in my life I picked up the idea I need to be able to draw before going on to any other kind of work. I know it’s silly, but I need to expose the lie for it’s silliness.

Whenever I try to draw or paint I can hear a thousand judgements after each stroke and line. Your perspective is all wrong. That’s not what an ear looks like. No one will like this. Who are you drawing for?

I do pat myself on the back for pushing through it lately. I like to sketch in my journal (which no one will ever read and thusly the sketches are for me.) So what if my paintings are a pile of dook? I’m never going to get any better fearing it or talking about it. But, that’s not the rub. The real rub is why don’t I make more three-dimensional works of art? It’s my first love.

Whenever I bend wire or construct a random sculpture, I experience none of the judgements I feel when I draw or paint. I love what I make. The other day, when I began work on a face, I felt nothing but joy when I stopped for the day. I couldn’t take my eyes away from what I made.

Last summer, when I decided to begin pursuing my artistic heart, I did so by painting and drawing. It was a good place to start because it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t require a lot of space. It was also a concession. I settled for painting and drawing. I know why too. I settled for drawing and painting because I’d rather “fail” at those than sculpture.

More recently I’ve become aware of another, more sinister fear: sculpting isn’t “good enough” for the Kingdom. To be a proper Christian means I’ve got to talk about Jesus with every waking breath. The only acceptable art in the Christian world is evangelical art. Right? Smith Wigglesworth’s only book was the Bible. So I too must be that uncompromising, even within myself. Right?

Wrong. Smith Wigglesworth- though a hero of mine- sounded like an uncompromising ass. My Father in Heaven is the GOAT artist/creator. His breath is in my lungs. When I walk outside, I see nothing but glory and power. Shouldn’t I be creative too?

I’ll I know is I feel joy, hope, love, and peace when I sculpt. If we are to believe what Paul said to the Galatians isn’t what I just described the fruit of the Spirit? My question is, of course, rhetorical. When I sculpt I am doing what I see my Father doing. It’s no different than a young boy shaving his hairless face because that’s what dad does every morning.

As all these thoughts and fears, in addition to few others swirled in my mind last week, a new idea took root. What if my life, the one the Lord made for me, doesn’t look like anyone else’s? What if I don’t fit any mold? It’s a scary and tantalizing thought. The lack of a model is the scary bit. How do I know if I’m doing “it” right?

The only answer, the only way I’ll know if I’m doing “it” right, is to stick with Jesus. I’ve got to walk by faith and trust Him in all things. When my art isn’t Christian enough, I trust Him. When I create a space for people to be messy and it looks odd to a Church looking for “holiness”, I will trust Him. When I date again or buy land or invest in a new security, I will lay my life in His hands.

I can do this. I was born to do so.

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Nik Curfman 10/15/20 Nik Curfman 10/15/20

Daily Journal: #88 Create and Destroy

I consider it joy to be able to walk in the fullness of the Lord. I don’t have to choose between power and love, miracles and justice. Back in July I asked the Lord for more, and I feel like He’s giving it to me. To be clear, I want it all. In this life, don’t want to leave anything on the table.

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In my mind 20’s, I had a dream the Lord gave me several gifts, among them a paint brush and a hammer. At the time I understood these gifts to be related to what my life would be- destroying evil and creating life. And until yesterday I had no idea how I would do either. Until yesterday, the dream was only a dream from years ago.

What Kind of Christian am I?

Yesterday as I wrote my blog post (Coming Full Circle), I connected thoughts and ideas I didn’t previously connect. I’ve always seen Christianity divided between conservative yet miraculous Christianity and liberal justice oriented Christianity. I discussed two of my heroes- Smith Wigglesworth and MLK Jr as an example of this divide. But…what if that doesn’t need to be the case? What if I can live a life of love, miracles, and justice? That’s what Jesus did.

In truth, Christians who focus on the social justice aspects of Jesus’ life aren’t wrong. Jesus championed the marginalized groups- the poor, the widows, the refugees, women, children, etc. He even went after the Pharisees when their rigid laws forced widows into poverty:

“They devour the houses of widows and, as a pretext, recite lengthy prayers. They will receive a very severe condemnation.”
- Mark 12:40 NABRE

The big disconnect I see is when people try to use Jesus for political purposes. Jesus loved and fought for people, not a particular party or ideology. He was about His Father’s business. Jesus was not a capitalist, Democrat, socialist, or American. He is the Messiah doing the work of the Kingdom. If I know anything about the Heart of God is that it is flexible and patient. It is not a system.

On the other hand we have what tend to be more conservative Christian who dare to believe in a create miraculous God. We are crazy enough to believe God talks to us, heals the sick, and can even defeat death. We tend to hold scripture close and discourage loose interpretations of it. Of course, the earth was created in a mere six days.

This brand of Christianity doesn’t have room for evolution or socialized medicine (in America.) They seem quite content with a private company deciding your health care fate. (It’s more noble?) The saving grace of these Christians is they do create room for Jesus to be Jesus, and this is key. Jesus is not dead, and all His promises are as real and alive as they were the moment He spoke them into existence.

I have felt a need to pick between the two groups, and yesterday as I wrote I realized that’s a false choice. No, I do not need to pick between the two. I can believe and expect miracles and supernatural love AND fight for the rights of immigrants and addicts. I don’t have to choose between two parts of the same heart.

Create and Destroy

The best part of yesterday was the peace that came with knowing what I will walk toward. Usually I get overwhelmed by such thoughts and feelings. Who am I? I’m not worthy. I’d define my state of being as relieved, calm, and ready. I know whatever my life is become will happen one day at a time, so I don’t need to project the future or force it.

I got to this point by intentionally sitting with Jesus one day at a time, by getting up every morning to go walk with Him. My future is based on the same intention. I don’t have to be Bob Jones, CS Lewis, Smith Wigglesworth, or MKL Jr. (Too many Christians in my circle focus on mantels and claiming spiritual “anointing”. I don’t get it.) I get to be Nik. I am called to be Nik. I embrace that, to create and destroy, to love and defend, to partner with Jesus and do the work I see Him doing.

Prayer for October 15th

Lord, thank you for this Thursday in October. Thank you for the great weather, the peace of the skies, and your Kindness. My heart is heavy for my friends. Bless them and continue to pour out your love and grace on their lives.

I lay down my burdens and desire to you. I ask for focus to do my work and do it with excellence. I accept Your peace and love, grace and hope. I give you my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

Your will be done in me and through me today.

Amen.