Journal: #200 Worth Celebrating

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I’ve stumbled around the fog since last week, and I tried to understand what happened to me. Since early January, I enjoyed my life in spite of some brewing trouble. It was good. But, it came to a quick halt when I was triggered into worthlessness. Old rejections resurfaced, and I became defensive toward people who were not accusing me of anything.

I hate that. I hate arguing with people who aren’t arguing with me.

I cried a lot last week. I cried because I was sad, and because I wanted to forget. I also reached out to people I trust, and refused to live my life in darkness. It’s one of my newest habits born of repentance. I recently learned what loving myself looks like and how to care for me when I go through shit.

So, in the teeth of shame and sorrow, I never stopped going for walks, or praying each morning and every night. I blogged and journaled, and was honest with the Lord about my pain. This is what victory looks like. It’s being able to take a hit and punch back.

Today marks a huge milestone. This blog post is post number 200 since July 11th, 2020. I’m over 60% of the way toward my goal of 330 Journal posts in a year. (Not only that, I set some 45 day goals too. Today marks day 43 in pursuit of those.) Every day offers me reason to take the day off, but I don’t take it. Every day is also the day to get one inch closer to 330 blog posts, consecutive days walk 10k+ steps, journaling, sketching, and everything else I want for me.

Each day is also the day the Lord made for me. I could waste it. I could find reason to shrink back. I could allow old voices tell me I’m not good enough. I could choose to please people, be nice, and live for praise. I could let regret determine my future.

In truth, I can’t do any of that. I’ve arrived, the full-blooded Nicklaus P Curfman. And, I can’t go back. My new normal is awesome because it is always forward and faithful. No more self-pity or anger. No more sitting in silence.

That’s worth celebrating.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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