Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Journal: #200 Worth Celebrating

In the teeth of shame and sorrow, I never stopped going for walks, or praying each morning and every night. I blogged and journaled, and was honest with the Lord about my pain. This is what victory looks like. It’s being able to take a hit and punch back.

I’ve stumbled around the fog since last week, and I tried to understand what happened to me. Since early January, I enjoyed my life in spite of some brewing trouble. It was good. But, it came to a quick halt when I was triggered into worthlessness. Old rejections resurfaced, and I became defensive toward people who were not accusing me of anything.

I hate that. I hate arguing with people who aren’t arguing with me.

I cried a lot last week. I cried because I was sad, and because I wanted to forget. I also reached out to people I trust, and refused to live my life in darkness. It’s one of my newest habits born of repentance. I recently learned what loving myself looks like and how to care for me when I go through shit.

So, in the teeth of shame and sorrow, I never stopped going for walks, or praying each morning and every night. I blogged and journaled, and was honest with the Lord about my pain. This is what victory looks like. It’s being able to take a hit and punch back.

Today marks a huge milestone. This blog post is post number 200 since July 11th, 2020. I’m over 60% of the way toward my goal of 330 Journal posts in a year. (Not only that, I set some 45 day goals too. Today marks day 43 in pursuit of those.) Every day offers me reason to take the day off, but I don’t take it. Every day is also the day to get one inch closer to 330 blog posts, consecutive days walk 10k+ steps, journaling, sketching, and everything else I want for me.

Each day is also the day the Lord made for me. I could waste it. I could find reason to shrink back. I could allow old voices tell me I’m not good enough. I could choose to please people, be nice, and live for praise. I could let regret determine my future.

In truth, I can’t do any of that. I’ve arrived, the full-blooded Nicklaus P Curfman. And, I can’t go back. My new normal is awesome because it is always forward and faithful. No more self-pity or anger. No more sitting in silence.

That’s worth celebrating.

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Journal: #125 Victory Over Lies

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

This week was an emotionally long week. I cried and snotted my way through each day. My blog posts reflected the progression from loneliness to brokenness to repentance. I admit it took a few days to gain the upper hand. I didn’t understand the source of my shame (rejection). Once I saw the attack for what it was I knew what to do. The key to overcoming rejection and self-pity is turning to the truth of my existence in the Lord. I am loved. I am worthy. I have a hope and future.

I can’t lick self-pity or judgement by perfecting myself- morphing into a person someone wants. That is a never ending cycle. My moment of victory rides on the back of love and patience, of faith and expectant hope. I find victory in the gracious arms of the Lord. When I confess His love over my life, I speak to my heart and my soul.

We Wrestle Not With People

My war with rejection and self-worth isn’t about other people. (The enemy likes to use the image of others- past girlfriends, old bosses, or coaches- to whip my mind into a depressed submission.) People are to be loved, encouraged, and stewarded. My battle is with belief and fear- ancient lies meant to keep me from walking in my God-given calling and His grace. I turn the tide against fear and judgment when I spot these lies.

Every single one of us faces a snake in our garden, whispering attractive lies and offering easy glory. The liar wants us to run from Love and what sustains us. He presents interesting alternatives and triggers our pride. Every lustful tactic designed to divide us from Him.

The snake in my garden offers to protect me. He reminds me of the pain I suffered by the rejection of others:

All you want to do is love people Nik. They couldn’t see my worth. They don’t know how amazing I am, but maybe I’m not amazing. Perhaps I need a plan, more money, and better clothes. If I were skinny, made more money, and had a noteworthy career…I’m not cool enough. My hair is too thin. I need a muscular body. Women think I’m a pussy. I need to unavailable and cold. No one wants a sensitive man. I need more money, to work with my hands. I need to hunt and kill animals. I need…I am not…I think I need…

All of it is bullshit.

Right here, right now, with a wool blanket covering my legs, I am a badass mofo. I am enough. Snake, GTFO.

How He Loves Us

Last week, while I walked up the hill near my apartment, the Lord said to me, “You still have your promises.” He spoke specifically to my heart and my mind. My heart has grieved the end my last relationship, while my mind searched for motivation and direction. Since I need them to work together, the Lord brought them into alignment in an instant. While much in my life changed over the last 12 months, He is still God. His hand is where it was a year ago, and I am not a wretch to be pitied.

I think I expected my life to collapse at some point this fall. Sure, I made a ton of progress as a man this summer, but all good things must end, right? Wrong. What I consider progress changed, but I continue to love the Lord and find daily grace for myself.

Consider this: When I post this Journal post, it will be my 125th blog post. It’s an incredible accomplishment for me. I posted my first post on Tumblr on July 11th. It’s been 134 days since that day. I’ve also posted 30 poems and ten(ish) other writings. That’s over 160 pieces of myself for the world to read (or not read.) The point is, I don’t know if I’ve ever dedicated myself to anything as much as I have this blog, and I’m proud of me.

I have other victories to consider in my finances, physical health, and my work. All of the indicators, all of the needles, are pointing up. Despite my challenges and emotional lapses, I am kicking ass. I have the Lord to praise for it.

A New Expectation

Matthew 6:33 commands us to run after the Lord and His kingdom with all our hearts, minds, and souls. Then Jesus promised us the Father would care for us as He- our health, needs, and dreams. I devoted myself to pursuit of the kingdom- above all else- in 2020, and I have seen this promise fulfilled. My needs and health are met. I still have my promises.

The last few months I’ve lived outside my experience and comfort levels…but I’ve stayed the course. When the lying snake has slithered next to my heart, I’ve fought to win my heart back from the lies. I’ve run to the Lord in my moments of shame, instead of hide in bush. I refused to cover myself or my nakedness. He sees it all regardless of my attempt to disguise my pain. My God is good, and He proves Himself everyday.

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

Onward.

Thank you Lord, for all of your goodness, and the faithfulness in your hand. I love you friend. Amen.

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