Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/27/20 Nik Curfman 10/27/20

Daily Journal: #100(!) What Friendship Is

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

Let’s begin my stating early, friendship is a continuum. The continuum ranges and changes as we grow as people and experience life. I’m not sage when I say this. It is science, and nearly intuitive. When we are young we choose friend because- I like red trucks and you like red trucks, so let’s be friends. A bit older still we choose friends based on a common goals or beliefs- I am a Clemson Tiger, you are a Clemson Tiger, we should be friend. Strong friendships, those that last, tend to form out of shared experience- when character is tested.

It appears as though the older we grow, the more discriminate we become. I know I have, and yet not. For 15-20 years, I was particularly picky about who I let into “my inner circle.” I looked for people of depth and compassion. But really, the two defining characteristics they all held were: they praised me, and could handle me at my worst. Basically, they did not think I was a piece of shit.

What I’ve Learned

Three years ago the Lord challenged me to stop being picky about my friendships. He said I did not need to have the same depth and closeness with each person I deemed worthy of me. I didn’t know it then, but this little commandment was the beginning of a dramatic shift in my life. As I allowed some friendships to hang out in the shallow end of the spectrum and others to ebb and flow beyond my control, I began to decrease my need for and dependence on affirmation.

The reason this is important is because I lived off the affirmation of other people. I needed my friends to tell me what career to choose or introduce me to new people. Most importantly, I needed my friends to constantly build me up, to praise me. I did not believe in me, and so the words of others meant everything to my broken heart.

Fast forward to 2020, and some of the final chains of insecurity finally broke from my heart and mind. I started to affirm myself and believe in my own awesomeness. Almost over night friends are no longer what I need, but those I get to love.

I first noticed this shift in my heart in early August. While at a party a few friends complimented my weight loss. I was stunned by my internal response. Politely I gave them a smile-filled thank you, but inside it meant nothing. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate their kind words, I just didn’t need it. I am eating well and losing weight for me, not them.

I want to remain humble at all times, so I don’t intend to be arrogant when I say I didn’t need their kind words. What I mean to say is now that I do not seek the affirmation of others, it seems odd when I receive it. Regardless, I no longer burden my friendships with my need for love and acceptance. It is a freedom we all need.

This new freedom enables me to be in the moment, rather than judging the moment. It also allows me to take each friendship at its own pace. The lack of expectation is a real blessing. I don’t feel entitled to anything and therefore feel nothing but gratitude when someone reaches out to say hello or invites me over for dinner.

Most importantly, I no longer see the faults in others as slight toward me. Every single relationship as an arc based on the mental, emotional, and spiritual reality of the people in them. Each person contributes something to a friendship. I now know and have confidence in what I bring to each person I love. And, I do not take personal responsibility for anyone’s flaws. Those flaws are not mine to carry or fix. (But, I am willing to walk with anyone willing to face their bullshit.)

Lingering Frustration

It’s a lie to think I’ve got it all figured out. I do not. I’d love to be the ant in the carpet to listen to my roommate talk candidly about his experience of me. The things is, I can’t correct what I don’t know is broken. The best I can do is create an atmosphere of empathy and honest communication.

My current frustrations center around wanting to save people from immature and self-destructive decisions. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into the hearts and brains of some of these friends. They’d realize they don’t have to delay joy or live in a state of victimhood. I’m sure many people thought similar thoughts when they watched me walk into traps and deserts.

It’s tough to watch our friends live beneath what’s within their grasp. It’s like choosing to eat garbage in the back alley when everything in the restaurant is delicious and free. It is in this moment, full of frustration, I find my highest calling as a friend- to endure and persist as others grow and mature. Jesus did it for His disciples. Why can’t I?

(Most of my friendships are rock solid. I am blessed to know some of the best people on Earth, and I’m human. I still battle, at times, my tendency to see what isn’t going well. I feel like I look for reasons to tear myself down. In these moments, I do things like focus on suffering friendships. I’m working on it.)

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Nik Curfman 8/20/20 Nik Curfman 8/20/20

I Can’t Stop Weeping

It’s good I am an independent contractor, and I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I can’t stop crying. I might go an hour or two between episodes, but then in a turn I’m using my shirt sleeve to wipe my eyes. The emotions, which vary and come in multi packs, pass quickly. I’ve stopped trying to analyze any of it.

As I packed up the remains of my lunch today, a single thought stood above the rest. I let it slip from my mouth. Lord, I don’t want you to be smaller than I can imagine. It hung in the empty conference room for a moment, the central fear of all my fears. I don’t want some of you, I want it all. I’ll go and do whatever, but let’s put away anything less than everything.

I can see now, as I type, this is the next fear to face. The fear that God is not who He is. I believe this fear has risen to the top because I can’t really move on without confronting it.

I know what to do.

I started confessing positive affirmation over my life earlier this year (I am amazing, I am worthy of love, etc), then I started confessing my trust and surrender, then onto God’s promises over my life, and now I believe my heart needs to hear the next big thing: JESUS IS MORE WONDERFUL, LOVING, GENEROUS, AND GIVING THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE.

I felt a tinge of hesitancy as I wrote those words above, so I’ll take it as a sign I’m on the right track.

God is good. Better than I know.

Nik Curfman 8/12/20 Nik Curfman 8/12/20

Roommates SUCK(sometimes)

Today, part of my morning self talk included the phrases “I’m not a dick, I’m not being attacked, and I’m amazing.” I feel like a dick, like I’m being attacked, and not amazing. I know it’s not true, hence the positive confessions. I’m amazing. I love my roommate and friends. They love me. But most of all, I’m love myself and I’m awesome.

My roommate and I are in tension because that’s what happens when you live with another human for any amount of time. It’s natural to have friction over silly things like dirty dishes, and are largely unavoidable. The thing is, I’m ok with the friction. It’s the way we deal with the friction that is bothering me. I hate it. I hate the passive aggressive avoidance of direct conflict, of which I am slightly more guilty than he is.

We grew apart this year due to, what I consider to be, natural causes. I dated her early in the year, so my face time with him dwindled to near zero. Then, in the wake of embracing my heart, I decided to move away from activities like watching sports or depressing videos and movies. I’d rather watch clouds dance in the sky, go for a hike to a waterfall, or create. I invited the roommate to some of these activities and received a polite “no thanks.” He seems to prefer to spend his free time in a dark room with a glass of wine and Netflix. Fair enough.

The other issue at play in our relationship is my increasing self-esteem. I don’t need his approval or affirmation…mostly. I wouldn’t be writing this blog entry if I was totally dead to the need for his approval.

What I’m battling today is what I believe my negative feelings say about who I am. My feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment are telling me I’m fucked up. I’m a dick. If I were a more competent man, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’d communicate clearly and be a loving dove, sowing peace and harmony everywhere I wonder. But it’s not true.

My roommate, for all his strengths, is human too. He suffers from some of the same shames I did only a few months ago. He desperately wants the approval of his friends, because he doesn’t value himself (a fact he confirmed, not my pop psychology.) He’s not powerful in his life, and constantly seems like a victim. My heart aches for him for I know what he battles, and I know I can’t fix it. I also know he is trying to control his environment, aka manipulate his environment. If I won’t allow myself to use manipulation, I can’t allow anyone else to do it to me.

I am not a dick for enforcing boundaries or voicing my thoughts on dirty dishes. Period. My areas of concern are 1) being vulnerable in the moment rather than letting things escalate to a stupid emotional state, and 2) being gracious with myself. These are the areas I can address in my life.

I am not an asshole, or a jerk. I’m imperfect, and still learning to navigate conflict and emotional swings. I believe this is all part of the larger process of digging out the roots of fear and insecurity, which is what I want to do.

Today is a good day. Amen.