Roommates SUCK(sometimes)
Today, part of my morning self talk included the phrases “I’m not a dick, I’m not being attacked, and I’m amazing.” I feel like a dick, like I’m being attacked, and not amazing. I know it’s not true, hence the positive confessions. I’m amazing. I love my roommate and friends. They love me. But most of all, I’m love myself and I’m awesome.
My roommate and I are in tension because that’s what happens when you live with another human for any amount of time. It’s natural to have friction over silly things like dirty dishes, and are largely unavoidable. The thing is, I’m ok with the friction. It’s the way we deal with the friction that is bothering me. I hate it. I hate the passive aggressive avoidance of direct conflict, of which I am slightly more guilty than he is.
We grew apart this year due to, what I consider to be, natural causes. I dated her early in the year, so my face time with him dwindled to near zero. Then, in the wake of embracing my heart, I decided to move away from activities like watching sports or depressing videos and movies. I’d rather watch clouds dance in the sky, go for a hike to a waterfall, or create. I invited the roommate to some of these activities and received a polite “no thanks.” He seems to prefer to spend his free time in a dark room with a glass of wine and Netflix. Fair enough.
The other issue at play in our relationship is my increasing self-esteem. I don’t need his approval or affirmation…mostly. I wouldn’t be writing this blog entry if I was totally dead to the need for his approval.
What I’m battling today is what I believe my negative feelings say about who I am. My feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment are telling me I’m fucked up. I’m a dick. If I were a more competent man, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’d communicate clearly and be a loving dove, sowing peace and harmony everywhere I wonder. But it’s not true.
My roommate, for all his strengths, is human too. He suffers from some of the same shames I did only a few months ago. He desperately wants the approval of his friends, because he doesn’t value himself (a fact he confirmed, not my pop psychology.) He’s not powerful in his life, and constantly seems like a victim. My heart aches for him for I know what he battles, and I know I can’t fix it. I also know he is trying to control his environment, aka manipulate his environment. If I won’t allow myself to use manipulation, I can’t allow anyone else to do it to me.
I am not a dick for enforcing boundaries or voicing my thoughts on dirty dishes. Period. My areas of concern are 1) being vulnerable in the moment rather than letting things escalate to a stupid emotional state, and 2) being gracious with myself. These are the areas I can address in my life.
I am not an asshole, or a jerk. I’m imperfect, and still learning to navigate conflict and emotional swings. I believe this is all part of the larger process of digging out the roots of fear and insecurity, which is what I want to do.
Today is a good day. Amen.
