Fearing Fear
I should title the last week of posts “Facing Fear Week,” as it is the theme of my of my recent life. It’s a season that began in May, when a young friend sent me a prophetic message. In it he wrote, “you are holding an emotion, something you’ve never released to the Lord. And you need to let it out.”
It’s odd he said emotion. We base our feelings stem from one of four emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. I knew the first three. I knew I could express the varied forms of happiness to the Lord. I had no problem being sad and heart broken. And, I am so comfortable venting anger with Jesus it could scare the average person. But fear? What I called “being afraid?” That was new.
I fell to my knees that day back in May and cried out, “I’m afraid. I’m scared. And I’m tired of it. I can’t carry all of this. Take it from me.” Suddenly and dramatically, I saw the role fear played in my life, how it influenced my decisions and tuned my motivations. Turns out, I was afraid of a great many things personal and external.
Before I continue I want to add, fear did not influence every aspect of my life and decision making. This is not an all or nothing situation. I’ve made many decisions out of expectant faith. I wouldn’t be here without them. But, 2020 was the year He prepared me to see the broader truth (as much as I can.)
The last two days cynical thoughts were planted in my brain: What are you gonna do with your next big disappointment? This life of joy and growth won’t last forever. You’ll just slide back into your indulgent routines and patterns. You’re only doing this so she notices. That’s what happens in a break up. Remember Lee? Yeah. That’s you. You’re just trying to prove yourself all over again.
Thing is….that’s all f-cking bullsh-t. It’s not true. None of it. Do I want her to notice me? Yes. I can admit such a desire. And…she already has. So? Now what? Now, I just keeping living my best life, because I want to love and enjoy the life Jesus gave me. This (my renewed love of Jesus and pursuit of Him) isn’t about her. My learning to love myself, and subsequent path back to physical health…isn’t about her. My foray into my artistic heart isn’t about her. And this blog isn’t about her.
What do I with in my next big disappointment? Same f-cking thing I did with the last big disappointment. Run to Jesus. Refuse to allow the disappointment to define me or taint my faith, and lean on my powerful community.
This life of joy and growth won’t last forever. Jesus is my source of Joy. And He will last forever. Suck on that, liar.
You’ll just slide back into your indulgent routines and patterns. Not a chance. Not this time. I love me. The transition is real. No going back.
I will not live in fear of fear. Moreover, I will stop projecting reactions- crucial for me. For example, yesterday I texted her “Hey, I love and appreciate you. Thanks for being my friend.” Took me two weeks to send that text. Why? Because I was worried about the consequences. I tried to think of all the ways it could go wrong or be misinterpreted. Once I let go of attempts to control the outcome, I pressed send.
I know my heart, my motivations. I just wanted to affirm my love for someone I care about. I didn’t have expectations or a secret agenda.
Fear is a nasty bastard, and by the grace and favor of the Lord our God, I’m gonna beat the sh-t out it.
