Vol III: #35 For The Love Of Kanye

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A few years ago, the artist and mogul Kanye West published a gospel album, held his Sunday Service worship session online, and proclaimed that Jesus changed his life. The world groaned while countless Christian rushed to pat the man on the back. He’s one of us they said as if the salvation needs celebrity validation.

In truth, I’ve always been a Kanye fan. He’s a true artist in the crazy, unstable kind of way. And artists of his variety make very public blunders right along side their very public genius. So when Kanye came out as Christian, I was happy but cautious. And when the Christians started to promote him and his gospel album I stepped back because I knew Kanye. He’s a bi-polar genius without a filter. So when a friend texted to ask what I thought, I didn’t hold back. We’ll see if the same people support him the next time he screws up.

Fast-forward to October 2022, the support is all but gone after another public mess. Apparently Kanye is making antisemitic statements and claims. Black people are the real Jews? I don’t want to give it much space in my blog, but yeah, it’s that bad. He made these statements after wearing a White Lives Matter sweater in Paris, which also angered people.

The thing about Kanye is he is bi-polar. It’s a condition that he lives with and explains, at least in part, his erratic behavior. Most bi-polar people don’t live a public life the way he does and in my experience bi-polar folks tend to hide. So, am I making an excuse for Kanye? Yes. Yes, I am. I can have empathy for his mental state while holding him accountable. Bi-polar disorder isn’t a get out of jail free card, the man still needs to come to a place where he understands how he hurts people, but… we need to treat mental disorders with same compassion we have for the blind or the lame. Bi-polar people don’t switch the disorder on and off at their whim, and unless healed by the Lord, the must learn to manage it. (And wouldn’t it be like the devil to use a person at the most vulnerable? Duh?)

Bi-polar people like Kanye need more love, not less. They need more community not to be left alone, even when the try to hide or push us away.

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Vol II: #9 Battling Depression

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Alone time can be a space to rest and relax or a space where our thoughts attack us. When the thoughts or emotions are dark, we tend to run into the waiting arms of distraction. It’s why we choose to fill our time with meaningless jobs, hobbies, or relationships. It’s why people scroll for hours on their phones, searching for small hits of dopamine. Whatever awaits inside us is too great a dragon to slay.

I seek out people to distract myself, because it’s easy to ignore my festering wounds when I focus on my friends or family. Hell, most of us consider it noble to serve the needs of others. Right? The greatest among you is thy servant…said Jesus, our Lord and Savior. But like anything, serving people can and is often corrupted. The enemy would love for me to serve others as I die inside. I know this because that’s the story of my life.

Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.

The truth is I am uncertain of what BSSM will be, and I’m impatient. Despite these insecurities and moments of doubt, I am winning the war against anxiety and depression. The life giving routines I developed since 2019 are paying dividends, and I’m not trying to think my way out. My grace and relief is found on my walks and in prayer, mainly because I gave up trying to understand every detail and nuance of my life. There will always be parts of me I will never comprehend. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or some aspects of life will always be a challenge. ’Tis…what it is.

Today, I choose to love me, which includes being kind and gracious toward myself. It’s an opportunity to reflect the goodness of the Lord inside me, on myself. It’s odd right? To think this way? But, it’s no less true. Nothing in the Gospel commands us to love ourselves less. Service is about bonding our fate to the fate of others, not self-debasement. When Jesus wandered into the mountains as He did, it was for love and to seek the Father. He went away to face whatever crap was on His mind and the issues in His heart. And if Jesus took time to challenge and defeat personal attacks of the enemy, so will I.

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Abstract: Armed, No Longer Helpless

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I awoke early this morning,

in a daze of depression and self-doubt.

Everything is wrong,

and all my answers seem void.

Why do I cycle through these phases,

from stability into emotional darkness?

My head is below the surface,

and the waves toss me where they will.

But I, through Love and Grace,

planted the seeds of salvation for this moment.

I can’t control my emotions,

but I decide if they control me.

This is not rock bottom.

I’ve been there before.

This fragment of life is a snapshot,

a sliver of unhappiness in a sea of gratitude.

I will write, hike, and pray,

work, cry and find laughs.

Whatever depression is/how it works,

Is not for me to understand.

I’m here to battle it,

through the intention of thought, through discipline, and love.

These are the moments the Spirit armed me to address,

and I will not back down from the fight.

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