Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/31/20 Nik Curfman 12/31/20

Journal: #162 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 2

I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

This post is ninth (part 2) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon. Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend is here.

For a quick review, yesterday I discussed what I was proud of from my relationship with Ms C. Despite a gut-wrenching break-up, I think I did well. I loved from start to finish, and beyond. Any shame I felt in the aftermath is old shame.

What I Learned

Today, I will go over what I learned, and how it made me a better man. Some of it is about being a man, and some of it about being human. I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

So what did I learn?

To Love Myself

The number one lesson that finally stuck is I have to take care of myself regardless of what is happening in life. Until this year I had a bad habit of ignoring my needs in sacrifice of something or someone. I did it with my business partner and Ms C. And, it’s not their fault. My past is littered with many more examples of such moments.

In the summer of 2019, I got super sick with a mystery stomach ailment. I couldn’t eat for almost a month, and the doctors offered no answers. I think it was a psychosomatic (stress-induced illness.) Eventually, I got better. Fast-forward to mid-May of 2020. I knew I was losing her, and the stress mounted. I prayed more, went on late-night burger runs, and stopped doing things I loved. My stomach began to churn the way it did the previous summer.

I tried to ignore what was happening to my body, “Isn’t this what people do when they love someone?” Yes. It is. And, they end up in the hospital.

I’ll never forget the feeling of absolute conviction when I finally understood,“Oh, I can’t ignore myself any more. I’m going to die if I keep doing this. I’ve go to take care of me.” It hit me as square (yet guilt-free) as a thought can, because I literally felt it sink into my soul. The lesson, finally, learned.

I want to make something very clear. No one ever asked me to treat myself poorly. No one ever asked me to eat crappy food or ignore my friends. It is an old pattern of behavior in my life, and I had to repent of it. It’s why I write everyday and go for walks. I will do what I must to love myself every day. No days off.

I love me, and that includes doing for myself what I would do for others.

I Am Loved and Worthy Of Love

My business coach said it very calmly during one of our summer sessions: trauma and pain do not magically disappear. The pain in my heart stemmed from constantly trying to be someone else and constantly trying to win the approval and notice of others. Whenever I felt unappreciated or unloved, I could lash out in anger. Why didn’t they see how amazing I am?

Ms C did not like to see me angry. I get it, because I don’t like it either. My anger was a defense mechanism. I had to stick up for myself because no one else will. It controlled my life, my choices, and how I treated people.

To be clear, anger did not control my life. What controlled me was feeling worthless and unworthy of love. For 40 years, I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I had to be someone I’m not. Took me 40 years to realize, I can’t be anyone other than me. Anger will always be the product of a Nik who does not love himself and feels like a loser.

There’s nothing like a break-up to test a person, so I seized the opportunity by the throat. To defeat worthlessness, I started some new habits. They include positive self-talk, repeating the promises of the Lord aloud, and addressing negative emotions whenever they surface. Any time I feel rejected or attacked, I fight back. I am loved and worthy of love. I’m amazing. The Lord will never leave me and His grace is new every single morning. I believe the future ahead of me and I trust the Lord to take care of me.

Lead With Kindness

I believe in equality, and will never give in to the idea that women are lesser vessels. God made them as sure as he made me. So the idea of a leader in a relationship strikes me as odd. Until recently, I didn’t want to be part of an old-school woman-follows-the-man relationship. (Still don’t.) I want a woman with hopes and dreams, personality, and grit. I don’t want a weak woman who needs a man to define her.

Ms. C is not a weak woman, though she can play the part. At her best, she speaks her mind without thinking about it, and it’s good.

I can admit now, I did not lead Ms. C. I did not challenge her in the way one good partner challenges another. Why? Because I was too scared she’d leave if I pushed her to get help. I assumed she’d figure herself out, which was a mistake.

Since I can’t go back, I’ll say it this way: The next time I say something sweet and kind to a woman I love and she gets triggered, I will not simply wait for her to “work through it.” Ms. C, for all her strengths, was stuck on a few issues that had nothing to do with me. She needed a friend to push her to seek help. In the future, I’ll demand action.

I was nice to Ms. C, not kind. I was afraid, not brave. My next girlfriend will never know that version of me. And, the woman I marry will love my honest and kind demands to defeat our fears. (I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m talking about being a true friend. True friends challenge poor behaviors and beliefs with kindness and compassion. My aim is to be a true friend.)

Good Relationship Tips

The last few lessons I decided to put into a shortlist.

I will do a better job with boundaries in the future. I did a reasonably good job of this but definitely failed in some areas. Again, nice does not pay.
Relaxed is better than hype. Very few things are the end of the world.
Perfection is the approach of the fearful trying to save themselves from pain. It’s unwise to expect perfection or try to live up to a standard stated by another. In the future, I won’t even bother.
Jesus really is my everything. He’s my best friend and constant strength. He knew my heart was broken, and that I’d rise from the ashes.

Zero Regret

I could on and on about what I loved, hated, and learned from my relationship this year, but I’ll stop here. In the end, I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance to date someone so great. I pray only good things for her, and I hope she’s doing well.

More than that, I hope I had a positive impact on her life as Ms. C had on mine. I’m a better man than I was a year ago, and she’s a big part of that. A true blessing.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why I’ve got the best family and friends in the whole universe.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 10/17/20 Nik Curfman 10/17/20

Daily Journal: #90 Learning to Keep Sabbath

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

LINKS

About

Walk in the Woods Blog

Marketing Services

My Irreverent View of Tradition

Admittedly, I don’t have a high value for observing Jewish holidays and traditions. I don’t see the point. (And to each their own, it just isn’t for me.) Jesus didn’t seem concerned with Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur or Passover. Paul, being a Jew’s Jew, didn’t promote the observance of Jewish law or traditions. So it would seem the New Testament lacks a certain reverence for them.

I’ve always chuckled at Messianic Christians. (Messianic Christians are Christians who incorporate Jews dietary laws, traditions, and other practices into their Christianity.) Like…why? Bacon is delicious, and seder is depressing. It’s as though they dismissed the Jesus who came to set us free from rigid rule-keeping and mindless tradition. However, as already stated, to each their own. Anyone who will read this blog will easily poke holes in what I say and do. Being on the outside of a thing is easy. I hope each dedicated Messianic has powerful encounters with Jesus. That’s what matters most.

So, What’s Up with Sabbath?

Three months ago, my friend Alex told me about his efforts to observe a sabbath each week- a whole day dedicated to rest and relaxation. He doesn’t have a strict set of rules. For instance, he cooks for himself and will do small tasks like fill his tank with gas if need be. Aside from these minimal tasks, he has managed to do almost nothing but enjoy the passing of a day, maybe going for a walk with his dog or swimming in the river.

As he spoke, I felt a need to listen. I stopped observing a true day off as a way to rebel against church, and now I worked nearly everyday. In fact…I feel guilty and lazy if I don’t do something productive everyday. And in case you haven’t read anything else I’ve written this year, I am learning to love myself which includes learning to relax, to let go of expectation.

It took me three month, but I finally got around to “observing a sabbath.” Last week, I did ok. Today? Not so good. I tried to do nothing, maybe watch some football. Then by 5 PM I felt anxiety creeping into my heart. You made a commitment to get that project done. I literally began to tell myself, “You didn’t do anything wrong Nik,” as tears leaked down my face.

I really want to be able to relax and enjoy life. More importantly, I do not want to define myself by how productive I am. It’s a trap. I spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to others and myself. It’s an endless negative feedback loop, forever discontent. I either have value or I don’t. The Lord loves me because I exist and I am his creation. That’s enough.

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

Lord, thank you for being good to me. Thank you for answering my anxiety. You are my shelter and my counselor, my friend and my Savior.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

Learnt: Spirit over Flesh

Yesterday, for the first time I understood what Paul understood. More importantly, I now know the difference between walking in the flesh and by the Spirit. All of those sins Paul mentioned? They are a guide, not a condemnation.

LINKS

About

Walk in the Woods Blog

Marketing Services

I’ve read Galatians 5 on a handful of occasions, and it never hit me the way it did yesterday. It begins with a verse most of us keep in our “Happy Scripture” pile,“It is for freedom that Jesus Christ set us free.” Or as the Message put a bit more eloquently, “Christ has set us free to live a free life.” That statement alone carries tremendous weight on its shoulders. Jesus set us free to make decisions and consciously choose to walk with Him. We are not exchanging slavery for slavery. Jesus wants friends and family, not hired hands.

The freedom thing isn’t what got me yesterday, awesome and sobering as it is. Nope, what slunk between my eyes was the part of the chapter I’d rather skip over. It is the section in which Paul details what living according to the flesh does in our life, and the fruit it being in bondage to it (again, the Message speaks to me):

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time:
repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional
garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show
religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-
satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes
and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of
depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions;
ugly parodies of community. I could go on.”

As I read these words, I saw myself. I saw anger (brutal temper). I saw selfishness (all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants.) I saw immorality (cheap sex.) I saw practically every one of these “fruits” of the flesh work its way out of me at one point or another. And yes, I’m a Christian. (We forget, Paul was writing to fellow Christians.)

Ordinarily, scripture like this would be a stone around my neck, a heavy reminder of everything I should avoid. I would also use it as a measuring stick to judge myself, as though a successful walk with the Lord is measured by what sins we avoid.

Yesterday, for the first time I understood what Paul understood. More importantly, I now know the difference between walking in the flesh and by the Spirit. All of those sins Paul mentioned? They are a guide, not a condemnation.

I know now when I am engaging in control and fear. Whenever I engage in my flesh I am defensive, jealous, angry, needy, prone to addictive habits (like smoking cannabis, drinking, or masturbation), and I look for cheap alternatives to Love (like porn or binge-eating and shopping.) These are destructive signs that scream,“HEY NIK, YOU’RE NOT DOING WELL BUDDY! YOU NEED JESUS!”

The enemy loves to come over the top of my sins with judgment. He piles on the guilt and shame. What good Christian jerks off to porn? That weed isn’t really helping? Oops…angry again? You’ll always be angry. You can’t help it. You’ll always be fat and alone. Down the emotional rabbit hole I go.

The glorious moment I experienced yesterday came when I realized, while very imperfect, I now spend most of my life living according to the Spirit. And, what a stark difference it is.

“But what happens when we live God’s way?
He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard
—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a
willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a
conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves
involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to
marshal and direct our energies wisely.”
Galatians 5:22-23, The Message

I do not waste my energy trying to be good, trying to avoid sin. I see the fruit of the Spirit (peace, love, hope, joy, faithfulness, righteousness, self-control, etc) because I intentionally use my Freedom to choose Him. Everyday I show up and walk with the Lord in whatever state I am in. Today my day started with a battle in mind. I admitted it to the Lord, and we talked about it for a while. I didn’t do anything other than create room for Jesus to be who He is. Living in the Spirit is not a matter of my(or your) will power, but it is a choice.

All I can do is encourage you to show up before Jesus, everyday. (I wrote a whole blog about my process you may find interesting.) Be honest in your prayers. Lay all your fears, hopes, and desires at His feet. Accept what He gives you, and receive His goodness. Then trust Him.

Living in the Spirit is much more simple than I knew. No, it isn’t easy. I am amazed how deep some parts of my flesh are buried. Everyday is new battle, and I have the endurance to fight on till victory. Regardless, choosing the Lord is a matter of choices, words, and dedication. No special talent or qualification required. Past history matters only in our minds.