Vol II: #20 Love and Friendship Are Not The Same
I can be a bit of an odd duck. Most people don’t tell others, “I don’t want to be your friend,” but I do. Today, I told a grown-ass man, “you're not my cup of tea,” after he extended an invitation to lunch. Mr. Will* is probably a good dad and husband. He’s successful in his career, and he introduced one of my best friends to his wife. Still, when his text rang out from my phone, I had a visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach, “I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM!”
The main reason I told him no is simple: I don’t like Mr. Will. He dominates conversations and possesses a ton of spiritual ambition. By spiritual ambition, I mean he wants to be famous within the Christian world. The rest of us are along for the ride if only we could recognize his holy brilliance. He’s the type of guy who would be Tik Tok famous if he wanted to be. He craves validation, and I refuse to give it.
(The rationale behind my blunt rejection is Mr. Will is a sales guy. He was gracious in his follow-up text if a bit bewildered and possibly hurt.) Much of his success is based on his determination to push through passive forms of communication. Soft no’s do not work with him.
After the deed was done, I thought about my choices. (Of course, I did.)Did I do the wrong thing? The answer is no. I don’t like Mr.Will. Would I stop to help him on the side of the highway? Yes. That’s called love. Love helps those in need of help. But, love is not an automatic pathway to friendship. Friendship is a personal choice. I look at it from this perspective: it’s acceptable to reject a romantic advance bluntly. Therefore, friendship advances should be handled the same way as romantic advances. Our culture may frown on such an approach, but so what?
In my head, right now, are ten people I wanted to befriend. They, in their passive ways, proved they did not feel the same way. Their rejection still hurt me- every unanswered call, every one-word text response, three days later. Passive rejection is no less painful than direct rejection. I knew I didn’t want to befriend Mr. Will. I did him a favor by being blunt…I cut him loose. No wondering, no wasted effort. Be free little buddy.
I’ll end with this rhetorical question: don’t we owe each other honesty? I believe we do.
A couple of summers ago, I asked a pretty lady on a date. She, kindly and directly, said no to my face. Sure, I was disappointed, but I moved on. I appreciated her reply even though it’s not what I wanted. I hope Mr. Will sees my response for friendship similarly. I didn’t waste my time going to lunch with a man I dislike. I didn’t avoid him or passively string him along, and I honored myself.
