Vol II: #97 Hope of Glory

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I have, with good intent, long existed in the gray space between black and white. But, for some time, the Lord has defined the clear differences between His kingdom and what it ain’t. He is love and gratitude and forgiveness and eternal hope. He is the good report when the land is infested with enemies. Or, to put it in modern vernacular, God sees good bones in a house no one wants. And, His vision is never wrong.

My most concrete idea of walking with the Lord came from reading Exodus and the rest of Torah. After Egypt, the children of Israel endured a purification process, to remove the Egypt from their DNA. This process is for all of us, and one we can shorten if we partner (daily and always) with the Holy Spirit. Though none of us love the desert process, we dream of the Promised Land. And, so we fix our eyes on it, which is a trap. Only by fixing our gaze on Him (Matthew 6:33) do we walk into what He promised.

The second concrete idea concerns the aforementioned Promised Land. For most of my life I thought the Promised Land would be easy street, and I believe many Christians fall into the same trap. But, go read what the Israelites had to do to claim the Promised Land. It wasn’t a victory parade. Nope. It was work and continued to be work long after they cleared the land of enemies. The work was in restoring the land to its purpose and to maintain connection to the Lord. The attacks and distractions never stop coming. Bank on it.

We in 2022, are no different than the children of Israel. We complain, belittle, hold offense, settle for less, and long for the security of our bondage(addictions and greed) when the winds of life blow. Jesus slept in the storms and rebuked the winds. He didn’t complain or lose hope or hold offense. He restored those who betrayed Him(Peter) and commissioned them for greater works. That’s who He is and who I aim to be like.

For a long time I didn’t think I could be like a Heidi Baker or a Freddie Powers. And, though I admire them now, that wasn’t always the case. For years, I criticized their processes and highlighted their mistakes. Today, I know good leaders never stop making mistakes and someone is always going to be offended. It is the discontent and fearful who find fault and lob insults, usually from the sidelines. Both of these women radiate joy and hope. Despite whatever is thrown at them or flaws they have, they carry on tending to their Promised Land.

After writing this post, I feel as though I’ve written all this before- in one capacity or another. But, today it is more real than ever. I’m effortlessly more aware of my words than ever. This isn’t my doing, but His. What a gift, to be free from anger and shame. And more than freedom, to live and believe, trust and hope.

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A: Keep Fishing

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They struggled all night through the dark and frustration. How many times did they lower their nets only to pull them back empty? At what point did hope turn to doubt, and doubt to angst?

Isn’t life like that, full hopes vanish into empty nets?

With visions of a secure future, we lower our hopes into the deep. We know, without doubt, our prize is down there. And oh what a prize, the trophy meant to secure our future and settle our stature.

Once, twice, three times we pull the nets back, each turn a blow to out resolve. Our ego springs into action and buoys our sinking hope. We remind ourself ‘anything worth doing is hard’ and ‘and empty nets are part of the process.’

We shift out stance, change form, run the numbers in our minds, anything to justify our continued search for the elusive prize. Day churns into night, and the horizon to the East begins to lighten. Day is coming, and we are empty handed.

The new day brings only pain. They know we are out here, striving to find our reward. Public failure is the worst. It’s only human nature to back a winner, and we lost. The empty net is a failure resonating through out lives.

Even in this humiliation wisdom exists, when we let Him into the boat. Against our will, He asks for trust. Even more, He asks us- tired and weary- to go back out into the deep.

Here is the breaking point for most of us. When we are at our end, empty and exhausted, He asks for more, He asks us to have faith. It is a faith we don’t believe we have.

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

Soon, we behold the harvest only possible in His presence- nets full beyond our ability to contain them. And this is where we begin our tale.

From faith we find He has a purpose meant just for us. Whatever we were will inform the higher destiny of what we become.

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Frustrated and Defensive, sucks

I can feel the waves of defiance cascading through my thoughts. I’m arguing with no one. She’s not here. But, no matter. I can fight an empty room just the same. 

Today, I am letting myself feel the pain of rejection- real or imagined. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate the way I feel small and unworthy, as though nothing about me is acceptable. And I loathe how I turn into a dick, if only to myself. 

Despite these very negative admissions…I’m letting this happen. My heart is full of hurts I left unsaid, and I’ve learned to let it out. Ignoring a thing makes the thing stronger. It’s like a child with annoying toy. Once they know you hate it, they never stop playing with it. I’ve got to recognize this suffering. 

My heart HURTS. Lord…speak. Please. 

“Nik, you know she didn’t intend to cause you pain or discomfort. You experienced a fraction of what she went through. She gave you everything she had, and ran out of herself. 

I’m with her now. 

And I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m proud of you.” 

Lord,

I offer my wounds and my insecurities. I don’t need to defend or compare myself to anyone. I trust in you Lord, to give me purpose, hope, and joy. I believe in my great future, and see no lack in any area of my life. Thank you for sticking with me.

Amen. 

At 40, I’m Ready to Live

“With You[Jesus], there is no beginning or end, just being. And I aim to be me the rest of what I’ve got to live. My bag is full of wisdom to be applied, not dusty useless memories. I’m hauling valuable nuggets of truth and grace- treasures to share to the thirsty, and those ready to move onward.”

The above is part of a prayer I wrote last night. The beginning of this same prayer centered on the scattered state of my thoughts. The last month my brain has been on overload- creative thoughts, mixed with processes, big emotions, random opinions, long desires, and hope. And some fears. 

This morning on my walk, I shed a few tears while talking to the Holy Spirit. My brain likes to do its own thing, and I am exhausted by all the cranial activity. I’m going to have to learn how to focus on a few things rather than considering the whole. And I believe I will. 

The thing is, at almost 40 years old, I can see my life as load of treasure. Which seems somewhat odd. On the surface it’s doesn’t seem like much- lots of cooking, masturbating, some Jesus, some friends, a trip here and there, lots of debt, self-doubt, failed relationships, obesity, weed, and personal growth. Seems fairly basic to me. 

But it isn’t. I couldn’t see it for a while, but I’ve been moving up the mountain- not mired in the valley. I know how to overcome fear and beat obesity. I know the answer to porn addiction and fantasy jerk-offs isn’t as simple “stop doing that.” I’ve found answers to self-pity, anxiety, and hopelessness, been suicidal multiple times. I know how fucked that place is. Given the state of the world…don’t we need that? Don’t we need people preaching/teaching/sharing practical hope and joy? Don’t we need people who’ve been in the shitter, lost in a desperation, but found a path to Life?

So yeah. 30 something years of shit is suddenly pure gold. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m ready to shine a light on the path to Life, and it’s a path everyone can walk.

Bring on 40.