Journal: #249 Depression Returns
I slept ten hours last night, which is unusual. Eight hours is my normal max. After eight hours, my hips and legs begin to ache and I start to feel restless. But, last night I feel asleep at 9:30 PM. It’s a sign.
I sleep as a means of avoiding life, as if I can sleep my way though disappointment and shame. I know I can’t. That’s not how life works. It’s a tactic used by those suffering from depression. So, odds are, I’m suffering some form of depression. All the symptoms are there, and I know them well. Had this been a younger Nik, I might start to eat my way into another thirty pound weight gain. I might hide and cry behind closed doors.
That Nik is dead. I might be battling depression, but I will not lose. I will not relent to shame and guilty, rejection or anger. I believe in me. I believe in the Holy Spirit in me. I trust the Lord to guide my heart, through this shitty experience, where all I want to do is change everything about me. He says You are loved and worth of love. And Your heart will be full. I will change nothing, rather I will cling to Jesus. I will cry and feel my heart mend. I will pray and use words only heaven understands.
Depression is an old adversary, but I ain’t the same Nik. I choose to fight for me. For the people I love. And the promises God gave me.
