Journal: #247 More Faith, Like The Old Faith
Yesterday was the day I finally accepted the fact my ex-lady ain’t coming back. It took ten months to get here. Now, I feel drained and completely alone. The grand motivation to “prove myself” to her is gone. It’s just me and the Holy Spirit.
The choice I now face appears different than those I faced before, but it is not. Last summer I faced the dissolution of my business partnership. My choice was to stay in an unhealthy situation or trust the Lord. I chose to trust Him. And, he took care of me. The only difference between that moment and this one is I wanted out of the business. It was an easy trust.
The big difference between the partnership debacle and the breakup is I wanted to get out of the partnership. I didn’t not want to break up, which is why I held on as long as I did. The setup looks different but my choices are the same. I can ignore what is happening in my heart and mind, and eventually self-destruct under a pile of shame and porn. Or…I can do what I did last summer. I can enter the fog.
The fog is a place between me and Jesus. It’s the place I go to give up my ideas and wounds, to find peace and trust.
A few weeks ago the Lord said I would have “new life” which was attached to new motivation. I can’t help but believe fully letting go of my ex is big part of that. This moment is about me diving ever deeper into the Lord. There’s a transformation coming for me, where I’m no longer motivated by the thoughts and opinions of others. That’s what I’m being offered- a change to completely own who I am and break a cycle self-loathing.
My life can only improve the more faith I am willing to exercise. As much as this hurts, I fully embrace it. What waits for me on the other side of this heart ache and process is a more confident Nik, and that’s what the world needs.
