Abstract: Unashamed

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The old man at the back injected his twisted wisdom,

get over it he shouted,

the noise caused boys at the pool table to watch the commotion.

Then, the news spreads through their ranks.

How long did they date?

When did they break up?

Under their breath they murmured the same condemnation as the old man.

In my shame I dropped my head, and repeated their judgment to myself.

Eventually, I moved to the corner, out of sight from the old man,

and out of earshot of the boys near the bar.

In the darkness, I pleaded my case to the Lord,

Take these hopes from me.

I let go.

It’s finished.

‘felt like a vain exercise.

After months of frustration,

The Holy One sat beside me,

as I cried,

more tears for a woman I’d rather forget.

She smiled at me,

and placed her hand gently on my back.

And when I stopped long enough to listen,

she whispered:

My son, my sweet man,

if you ever wondered if you knew how to love,

should those lies ever attack you again,

think on this…and her.

You loved deeply, freely, and without regret,

even when it went unreturned.

This is how I love you and everyone in this room.

All the years you spent learning at My feet,

asking Me to enlarge your heart,

were fruitful,

and I will multiply it.

The men in this bar,

they need you.

Behind every jeer,

is their fear,

to go to the depths,

to be vulnerable,

to let their hearts bleed in the open.

They must know,

no wound it too great for My hands,

to those willing to let me touch the pain.

Tell your story,

show them your scars,

your whole heart,

healed as it is.

My treasure,

My Love,

My son.

I finished my drink and looked around the dingy room,

unashamed of my naked state,

or the blood beneath me.

God is good,

and pain is not the end.

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Journal: #247 More Faith, Like The Old Faith

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Yesterday was the day I finally accepted the fact my ex-lady ain’t coming back. It took ten months to get here. Now, I feel drained and completely alone. The grand motivation to “prove myself” to her is gone. It’s just me and the Holy Spirit.

The choice I now face appears different than those I faced before, but it is not. Last summer I faced the dissolution of my business partnership. My choice was to stay in an unhealthy situation or trust the Lord. I chose to trust Him. And, he took care of me. The only difference between that moment and this one is I wanted out of the business. It was an easy trust.

The big difference between the partnership debacle and the breakup is I wanted to get out of the partnership. I didn’t not want to break up, which is why I held on as long as I did. The setup looks different but my choices are the same. I can ignore what is happening in my heart and mind, and eventually self-destruct under a pile of shame and porn. Or…I can do what I did last summer. I can enter the fog.

The fog is a place between me and Jesus. It’s the place I go to give up my ideas and wounds, to find peace and trust.

A few weeks ago the Lord said I would have “new life” which was attached to new motivation. I can’t help but believe fully letting go of my ex is big part of that. This moment is about me diving ever deeper into the Lord. There’s a transformation coming for me, where I’m no longer motivated by the thoughts and opinions of others. That’s what I’m being offered- a change to completely own who I am and break a cycle self-loathing.

My life can only improve the more faith I am willing to exercise. As much as this hurts, I fully embrace it. What waits for me on the other side of this heart ache and process is a more confident Nik, and that’s what the world needs.

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