Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Journal: #196 Mentally And Emotionally Fried

The trek out of the Valley of Death is longer than I hoped it would be, but I can see the light on the hills. A slip or a trip is part of walking, it shows I am on the move. So be it. I’m thankful for all the days between today the last day I felt a bit crazy.

Today, thus far, is a f*cking wild one. My emotions have swung from steady and optimistic to despair to calm to sad, then back to optimistic. Literally, WTF?!

My day in brief:

  • During my morning walk, I had a great break through concerning my art and sculpting. (Truly. I’ll blog about it tomorrow.)

  • Then after a successful Zoom meeting, I slipped into heavy worthlessness. By the time I made it home for lunch I was a sloppy mess.

  • On the way through the door into my apartment to each said lunch, I found out I got a raise and a small bonus from my marketing firm.

  • My response to the good news? I sat on the floor and cried. I don’t deserve a raise.

  • Not to worry, I had another call to snap me out of my pity party. It went well.

As I write this blog, I’m mentally and emotionally fried. And…I’m hopeful. I haven’t hit a low like this in a while, months perhaps. Since I decided to be more honest to myself about my feelings, this outburst is a sign of progress not regression.

Several times through today, the Holy Spirit came. We laughed through the tears. To feel so much sorrow and yet so much unexplained joy is odd. It is also welcomed. I’d rather laugh at myself with the Lord than give into shame.

The trek out of the Valley of Death is longer than I hoped it would be, but I can see the light on the hills. A slip or a trip is part of walking, it shows I am on the move. So be it. I’m thankful for all the days between today the last day I felt a bit crazy.

God is good.

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Daily Journal: #113 Long Fruitful Day, Short on Words

I’m not sure how many emotional bounces I took today, but even for me it was a lot. I laughed, cried, and prayed. I let go of fears and desires while I made room for God to be God. It was a full day. Tomorrow, I will write more about being imperfect. For tonight, I’m going to stay in my current place of gratitude and honesty.

Today was a seesaw day of emotional ups and downs. I was down because I had another confrontation with my sister, then up because I did well at work. Then back down after a friend asked if I wanted some BBQ from Odell Craft BBQ (I was once a partner in the business), only to find myself lighter in heart and mind after an evening with old friends (as old as I’ve got in Redding.) I got to text my oldest nephew a bit, only to fight sorrow as I drove past the park where I once met my former girlfriend for morning walks.

I’m not sure how many emotional bounces I took today, but even for me it was a lot. I laughed, cried, and prayed. I let go of fears and desires while I made room for God to be God. It was a full day. Tomorrow, I will write more about being imperfect. For tonight, I’m going to stay in my current place of gratitude and honesty.

I love this part of me. I’m tired of hiding, and trying to make the right decisions. I’m ok, and I will be ok. Life isn’t easy, but it is fun and amazing. Thank God.

One last thing, my friends- a group we call the Four Horsemen- are the best no-name Jesus lovers in the world. And we have the maturity of children.

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