Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Vol II: #42 Life in Tension

I hate these moments. I hate this feeling, the lingering belief if only I would’ve said x, y, and z. Oh sure, I have a few lessons to review once I’ve properly closed the book on this short friendship, but the looming task at hand is to tell Phil I will no longer pursue this friendship. Like most students at BSSM, he is facing his issues head-on. And, it’s not my destiny to suffer his ignorance or judgment.

Though the moment happened a few days ago, I can’t remember anything past the phrase I’m going to correct you. The long autumn shadows created by the line of cottonwood trees behind Phil and the cloudless sky above us, yes, I remember those details. But, my heart plugged its ears after my “friend” decided to -without invitation- inject his perspective into my pain. This stolen liberty is a repeat occurrence with Phil and requires decisive action on my part. I cannot be friends with a man unwilling to honor my vulnerable confessions, especially the sloppy confessions. I feel attacked and judged, belittled and trapped by his words too often to ignore.

I hate these moments. I hate this feeling, the lingering belief if only I would’ve said x, y, and z. Oh sure, I have a few lessons to review once I’ve properly closed the book on this short friendship, but the looming task at hand is to tell Phil I will no longer pursue this friendship. Like most students at BSSM, he is facing his issues head-on. And, it’s not my destiny to suffer his ignorance or judgment.

I hope a day is coming where I am wiser than I am today. It’s not that Phil is unworthy of relationships or love. No one is. But, I hate having, what will ultimately be, a jarring conversation. Who among us wants to be told, “I don’t want to be friends with you?” It’s a form of rejection and I loathe rejection- I’m still fighting off the last few echos of pain from my last girlfriend. And, the very thought of entering into a meaningful discussion with Phil makes me ill. So, this is where I am, caught between inflicting pain or suffering it.

The tension is real.

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Abstract: Assurance of The Unseen.

Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

The gates closed, and I beat my fists bloody,

Knocking to be let in.

Lost and alone in the night,

I blamed me,

I slandered me,

I convicted me,

Of worthlessness and sins beyond redemption.

What we honor, what we love, we do not leave to the darkness to rust,

For vandals and thieves.


Exhausted from the pounding struggle,

To be accepted and loved,

I relented to my nothingness, naked without purpose or use.


For good measure,

The foul wind whistled and cackled at my sorrow,

Each breath from my lungs,

Exposed by the chill and the moon light,

A harsh reminder,

I am here, but will soon be forgotten.


In the stillness I remained,

And more I waited.

The lies began to die, and accusations faded.

For too long stared at the locked gates,

The embodiment of my shame,

Rejected again.


With my eyes closed,

I focused on my breath,

One deep draw after another, my chest rising and falling in rhythm.

I began to sway with the evergreens and enjoy the scent of their pines.

At my back, the river laughed like a chorus of children,

Innocent and clean,

Nature extended her kind hand.


I have demanded honors I could not accept,

and longed for lovers I did not deserve.


I could stay.

I could dance for the people in the watch towers,

Cook to delight the king and queen inside,

I could do all the things to make myself into something they want,

What I do not want to be.


What I thirst for is not behind locked gates.

What I want is not the momentary approval,

Cheap graces and easily won loyalty.


Chin tucked to my chest,

Only honest words existed in this moment of solitude.

I am in pain,

Rejection coursing through my veins,

An old drug, from an old habit.

Tonight, I will not repent or beg forgiveness,

Rather for courage and hope,

Vision and strength.


I cannot answer why I long for the praise,

A riddle to be remedied some other day,

When the Spirit deems so.


This frigid night,

Surround by creation,

I do not curse the closed doors or those who locked them.

Instead, as my heart cries for love and acceptance,

I will not focus on what I do not have.


Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

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Journal: #132 Not My Story Intro

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

One of my most annoying tendencies is to hang onto pain and rejection. I wish I was that guy who could break up with someone and move on, but it’s not my history. This morning I stood in forest and shook my fists in frustration. Why am I like this? Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

My dating history is full of rejection. In almost every relationship of my life, I was dumped. When I look back on what I did wrong and what I can change, I have obvious errors and areas of improvement. Regardless, I was never a bad boyfriend. I loved without regret and wanted the best for each lady. So why do I keep being rejected?

What Do I Want?

I want a confident woman and refuse to define someone. I have and continue to ask “what do you want?” I ask that question because I do not accept the trope that women are lesser humans who “need a man.” And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for emotional intelligence and brave communication. Women are not victims even though we live in a world that allows them to be.

I aspire to be a powerful man, and I want to partner with a powerful woman. I want a lady who will challenge me and back me up, because that’s what I plan to be for her. There’s nothing less sexy than the words “I don’t know.” (To be gracious, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer on occasion, but not as a way of life. People who perpetually don’t know what they want don’t know who they are, or they are afraid to be who they are.)

Recent History

The frustrating truth about my last girlfriend is she showed glimpses of being a powerful woman. I knew I wanted to date her the day she told me I was wrong about an issue at work. It was awesome, because she was right. I loved that she used her voice and insight to speak into the inner workings of complex business relationships.

By the end of our relationship she was riddle with anxiety, so a breakup was the best move. She seemed determine to prove me wrong about how special I think she is. Painfully, I admitted she needed space to level out and find her center in Jesus. When she came to break up with me, I let her go without a fight. I still consider her a friend, and pray for blessings on her life.

We broke up six months ago, and most of the time I have my heart and mind looking forward. Yet, part of me still hangs onto to her, to who she is, despite the heart ache. In those moment, I engage my new weapons in the fight with rejection and fear: questions and gratitude.

What’s true? It’s not her or nobody? You don’t know the future. You want a woman who wants you.

Gratitude Is A Weapon

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

After I thought about Bob and Nixon, I thought about Kyle and Mitch. Each of these men have a unique marriage story. All of them faced failure and rejection, and all of them are in healthy, functional marriages. I’m happy for and proud of each man.

Most importantly, I’m glad the Holy Spirit shifted my vision as I struggle with my journey toward marriage. Gratitude opens doors to see paths hidden by shame. My dating history is not my story, just part of it. Over the coming week I will detail the story of each man and where I find encouragement in it. For anyone looking for stories of redemption, grace, and the kindness of God, stay tuned.

Happy Sunday.

*For the sake of this series, I changed their names and will omit a few details. My intent is to tell my story which includes the stories of others. I have no desire to expose or use anyone.

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Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face it.

Yesterday evening, I sat in my apartment and sunk into self-pity. I felt unworthy of love due to lingering feelings of rejection. As a way of fighting through it, I wrote this poem and published it. The poem was my last healthy resort to a long-simmering problem. Fortunately, it worked. After I admitted my insecurities and saw them on screen, I was able to claim the upper hand.

Temptation Comes From Pain

This morning, I thought about last night. How did I manage to have my head down buried in shame? How did I end up being tempted again? For starters, temptations are more enticing when I am suffering. Temptation and sin are huge scarlet flags: something is wrong.

I never googled ‘porn.’ It usually started as a desire to google ‘photography,’ or some such feeder. I know photo blogs on Tumblr are often used as funnels by the porn industry, so I would lie to myself about my intent. Nothing wrong with looking as photo blogs on Tumblr, right? Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I heard that evil voice again. I recognized it for what it is, but was nonetheless discouraged. I hate I could hear it. When I’m fully healthy, I can’t even hear it.

Today, I laugh as I think about it. Another more subtle temptation is to condemn myself for hearing the voice of temptation. How crazy is that? In truth, I responded the right way. I didn’t partner with shame or my pain. And, it’s ok to battle insecurity. Temptation comes when we are weak to destroy our peace and love, but the Lord uses it to shine a light on our condition. (It’s what the Lord did with Cain, because Cain was tempted out of his rejection. The Lord asked Cain to affirm himself, and he did not.)

I’m proud of myself, and this fight is a positive indicator of my walk with the Lord. As bad as I felt yesterday, I choose to stand my ground. I choose to turn the Lord, and believe what His word. I am loved and worthy of love.

Face the Pain

What I realized today is I avoided myself of late. For a the last few weeks, I didn’t make time to process my suffering. I was scared of me. I hate circling back to the same issues. I want to process my life and move forward. But, that’s not human. It’s not gracious.

It’s ok if it takes time to fully overcome my reoccurring issues. The truth is I’ve made tremendous progress in the areas of rejection and self-worth. This post is proof. Last night was proof. I did not engage in self-destruction or self punishment. That’s a win.

The challenge for an introvert like me is to be unafraid of being alone. When I feel sadness tugging at the corner of my heart or rejection fogging my thoughts, I must face it directly. It’s too easy to spend alone time staring at a screen, completing mindless tasks, or writing blogs. Alone time is meant to be a place to recharge, so I can go back into the world at my best. It’s two edged sword though. Time spent alone is either nourishing or hell, depending on my disposition. When I am lost, alone time becomes a place of misery and self-loathing.

Introverts Need Guidance

“Suffering doesn’t melt away. It must be addressed.” My business coach told me that last July, and he’s right. All of the wishing and avoidance will not vanish the pain we hold. It must be rooted out. So for us introverts it means when we are alone, we use that time to face the pain. It’s a form of self-love and self-care.

(This is not a call to “figure yourself out.” I do not believe in self-perfection. We need each other. I am as guilty as anyone of trying to fix myself, but that’s not what I mean. I have a community of people and professionals to lean on when I need counseling and prayer. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need help from our friends.)

What I want to address is the confession of pain, taking thoughts captive, and renewing our minds.

  1. The first step is confession. Whatever condition we are in, needs to be brought into the light. If you feel like shit, admit it. If you feel abused, confused, or empty, say it. Admitting how we feel is not agreement with it. I might feel rejected, but I don’t believe I’m worthless.

  2. The next action is to question (take captive) our thoughts. My thoughts might tell me I’m worthless or unqualified. But, what if that’s not true? What does the Lord say about me? What are the alternatives? It helps to have the conversation aloud. We engage different parts of our brain when we use our voice. Thoughts are powerful, words are more powerful. So, answer your questions aloud. Anxiety pushes us toward an extreme responses. God’s goodness is somewhere between the two. And, the Lord always says I love you and you are worthy.

  3. Finally, affirm yourself. Tell yourself “I love myself, I am loved, I am special.” Then confirm yourself with Jesus, “Lord, I trust you. I put my faith in you. I release my fear, shame, rejection, and pain.” Include your specific struggle.

  4. Last point: Don’t rush the process. The steps above can be a lifeless routine or life-giving processes. Gratitude is key. I like to end these moments with worship and praise. It repositions my heart and mind to anticipate the goodness of God instead of the plans of the enemy.

I Believe In Being Free

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face my fears.

From this moment onward, I will now begin my alone time with asking myself “how’s your heart Nik?” I want to love myself enough expose my pain so I can heal.

Lord, thank you for grace and wisdom. I’m excited about the future.

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