Journal: #256 Championship Bullshit Fighter
The grace and kindness of God blew me away this morning as I sat on a couch. In that moment I felt like a worthless loser. In my mind I failed at few tasks, and that failure meant I was worthless. In my self-pity I cried out,”How bizarre is it You require nothing from me? No tests or qualifications!” I said that because I feel like the world demands perfection, and I demand perfection. I expect never-ending success and happiness, despite my wisdom and experience.
I find it annoying I still battle insecurity and doubts. My place in the kingdom is secure. My heart is married to His heart, and yet…I occasionally find myself down the rabbit hole, halfway to Idiotville. On days such as this I find it difficult to appreciate my emotional nature. I have no idea what it means to ‘feel dead inside,’ but on days like today I’d like to try. (But not really. I like myself and my strong feelings.)
What I find humorous in all this- these moments of self-pity and regret- is how deft I’ve become at fighting the bullshit. If…I looked at each of these moments as a test, I’m killing it. I know how to fight, because the Lord taught me well. He taught me how to recognize bullshit, how they oppose His promises, and gave me the tools to defeat them. In this light I am no longer depressed I still battle bullshit. Perhaps a day will come when I no longer need to battle, until then I’m happy to consider myself a winner- a Championship Bullshit Fighter.
