Walk in the Woods

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Journal: #256 Championship Bullshit Fighter

He taught me how to recognize bullshit, how they oppose His promises, and gave me the tools to defeat them. In this light I am no longer depressed I still battle bullshit. Perhaps a day will come when I no longer need to battle, until then I’m happy to consider myself a winner- a Championship Bullshit Fighter.

championship bullshit fighter

The grace and kindness of God blew me away this morning as I sat on a couch. In that moment I felt like a worthless loser. In my mind I failed at few tasks, and that failure meant I was worthless. In my self-pity I cried out,”How bizarre is it You require nothing from me? No tests or qualifications!” I said that because I feel like the world demands perfection, and I demand perfection. I expect never-ending success and happiness, despite my wisdom and experience.

I find it annoying I still battle insecurity and doubts. My place in the kingdom is secure. My heart is married to His heart, and yet…I occasionally find myself down the rabbit hole, halfway to Idiotville. On days such as this I find it difficult to appreciate my emotional nature. I have no idea what it means to ‘feel dead inside,’ but on days like today I’d like to try. (But not really. I like myself and my strong feelings.)

What I find humorous in all this- these moments of self-pity and regret- is how deft I’ve become at fighting the bullshit. If…I looked at each of these moments as a test, I’m killing it. I know how to fight, because the Lord taught me well. He taught me how to recognize bullshit, how they oppose His promises, and gave me the tools to defeat them. In this light I am no longer depressed I still battle bullshit. Perhaps a day will come when I no longer need to battle, until then I’m happy to consider myself a winner- a Championship Bullshit Fighter.

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Journal: #182 Smile At Pain, Carry On

Whatever life is or is not, what we do with it is thing. I wasn’t very good at responding to life when it got rough. I relish the opportunity to laugh at it now.

My brain is fried. I spent 15 hours over the last two days because my web developer decided to split. So that’s cool. The deadline for the project was yesterday, but I got it mostly finished. The customer is annoyed but will be happy. Sometimes it be like that.

On top of work frustrations, I received some shitty news about someone I love. Sometimes it be like that. I am sad for them but all I can do (literally) is pray, love, and support them. But…that’s not all. This moment- the isolation, the work crap, the personal shit- would’ve taken me down a few years ago.

Not today Satan. Today, it does not be like that.

Instead of being focused on the difficult aspects of my life on this cool January evening, I choose to look at what’s going right. Tonight I’m going to celebrate being of half way to some of my goals, short-term and long-term.

  1. This is overdue, but this blog post is my 182nd as I push for 330 by July 11th. I started blogging on that date in 2020 not knowing where this would lead. I didn’t know I’d fall in love with this process. I have roughly 170 days to write the next 148 posts. I’m stoked.

  2. As of today, I am 25 day into my 45 consecutive days goal of 10k+ steps per day. The true goal is to smash 45 days.

  3. And, I am 28 days into a 45 day goal of consecutive blogging. I think…my consecutive day streak is in the mid 30’s. I should smash that.

Plus, I’m super stoked about the wire sculptures I started creating. No goal there. Only joy and holy pleasure.

Whatever life is or is not, what we do with it is thing. I wasn’t very good at responding to life when it got rough. I relish the opportunity to laugh at it now.

Love y’all.

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