Daily Journal: #100(!) What Friendship Is

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Let’s begin my stating early, friendship is a continuum. The continuum ranges and changes as we grow as people and experience life. I’m not sage when I say this. It is science, and nearly intuitive. When we are young we choose friend because- I like red trucks and you like red trucks, so let’s be friends. A bit older still we choose friends based on a common goals or beliefs- I am a Clemson Tiger, you are a Clemson Tiger, we should be friend. Strong friendships, those that last, tend to form out of shared experience- when character is tested.

It appears as though the older we grow, the more discriminate we become. I know I have, and yet not. For 15-20 years, I was particularly picky about who I let into “my inner circle.” I looked for people of depth and compassion. But really, the two defining characteristics they all held were: they praised me, and could handle me at my worst. Basically, they did not think I was a piece of shit.

What I’ve Learned

Three years ago the Lord challenged me to stop being picky about my friendships. He said I did not need to have the same depth and closeness with each person I deemed worthy of me. I didn’t know it then, but this little commandment was the beginning of a dramatic shift in my life. As I allowed some friendships to hang out in the shallow end of the spectrum and others to ebb and flow beyond my control, I began to decrease my need for and dependence on affirmation.

The reason this is important is because I lived off the affirmation of other people. I needed my friends to tell me what career to choose or introduce me to new people. Most importantly, I needed my friends to constantly build me up, to praise me. I did not believe in me, and so the words of others meant everything to my broken heart.

Fast forward to 2020, and some of the final chains of insecurity finally broke from my heart and mind. I started to affirm myself and believe in my own awesomeness. Almost over night friends are no longer what I need, but those I get to love.

I first noticed this shift in my heart in early August. While at a party a few friends complimented my weight loss. I was stunned by my internal response. Politely I gave them a smile-filled thank you, but inside it meant nothing. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate their kind words, I just didn’t need it. I am eating well and losing weight for me, not them.

I want to remain humble at all times, so I don’t intend to be arrogant when I say I didn’t need their kind words. What I mean to say is now that I do not seek the affirmation of others, it seems odd when I receive it. Regardless, I no longer burden my friendships with my need for love and acceptance. It is a freedom we all need.

This new freedom enables me to be in the moment, rather than judging the moment. It also allows me to take each friendship at its own pace. The lack of expectation is a real blessing. I don’t feel entitled to anything and therefore feel nothing but gratitude when someone reaches out to say hello or invites me over for dinner.

Most importantly, I no longer see the faults in others as slight toward me. Every single relationship as an arc based on the mental, emotional, and spiritual reality of the people in them. Each person contributes something to a friendship. I now know and have confidence in what I bring to each person I love. And, I do not take personal responsibility for anyone’s flaws. Those flaws are not mine to carry or fix. (But, I am willing to walk with anyone willing to face their bullshit.)

Lingering Frustration

It’s a lie to think I’ve got it all figured out. I do not. I’d love to be the ant in the carpet to listen to my roommate talk candidly about his experience of me. The things is, I can’t correct what I don’t know is broken. The best I can do is create an atmosphere of empathy and honest communication.

My current frustrations center around wanting to save people from immature and self-destructive decisions. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into the hearts and brains of some of these friends. They’d realize they don’t have to delay joy or live in a state of victimhood. I’m sure many people thought similar thoughts when they watched me walk into traps and deserts.

It’s tough to watch our friends live beneath what’s within their grasp. It’s like choosing to eat garbage in the back alley when everything in the restaurant is delicious and free. It is in this moment, full of frustration, I find my highest calling as a friend- to endure and persist as others grow and mature. Jesus did it for His disciples. Why can’t I?

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

(Most of my friendships are rock solid. I am blessed to know some of the best people on Earth, and I’m human. I still battle, at times, my tendency to see what isn’t going well. I feel like I look for reasons to tear myself down. In these moments, I do things like focus on suffering friendships. I’m working on it.)

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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