Walk in the Woods

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Journal: #327 My Friend David

You might say this trip is an elaborate excuse to talk in person to him. David is one of those friends who is willing to teach and explain. And, his patience is legendary. He never makes me feel stupid or ashamed for any of my interests.

Hello from New Orleans. It’s like Charleston, but more flamboyant. I’m with one of my best friends, David. We spent the day fishing on the bayou and it was fantastic. For starters, we actually caught fish. For amateur fishermen, that’s a big deal. Guys like us don’t usually catch much. We’d like to thank our guide and lifelong fisherman Jimmy. He was as Louisiana as you’d imagine— a distinct cajun accent, thick forearms, and never too far from a shaker of creole seasoning.

On paper, David and I have little in common. He’s married with four children, tall, and skinny (though more round than ever.) My friend grew up a missionary kid in Colombia and is fluent in three languages. History is his passion, so he never misses an opportunity to stop by a museum or battlefield. (One reason will likely visit the War War 2 museum tomorrow.)

In case you need a refresher, I’m still very single and a bit round. My formative years were also spent in a Columbia. In South Carolina. I’m still learning to write in my native English language, and I’d rather go to an art museum. Of course none these differences matter. It’s the conversations we will have along each stop that matter.

David and I spent the evening discussing God and politics as we drove up to New Orleans. I loved it. In all honesty, real conversation with him is all I want. You might say this trip is an elaborate excuse to talk in person to him. David is one of those friends who is willing to teach and explain. And, his patience is legendary. He never makes me feel stupid or ashamed for any of my interests.

As I think about today and what’s the rest of the week holds, I know I’m blessed. I’m blessed to have a great friend willing to meet me anywhere he can. Moreover, I’m blessed to be able to afford the trip and work for a company will to let me work whenever I want. One day soon I’ll have a different set of blessings— hopefully including a wife and kids. I won’t be able to pick up and fly to New Orleans or go solo hiking in Oregon.

For now, I’m going to soak up the rest of the week and stretch every moment with David as long as possible. Once I return to Redding, it’ll be the dead of summer. The heat will be at its zenith, and I have no more trips planned. Then it’s an eight week sprint to September 7th, when I’ll make more friends.

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Daily Journal: #111 Holding the Line

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

I was challenged this week with a few situations I’d rather avoid. The election and the ensuing hysteria is one, and maintaining boundaries is the other. Elections happen, and the hype is momentary. Finding ways to love family and friends while I love/respect myself, I find to be much tougher.

Twice this week I faced a moment to assert myself and possibly disappoint the person on the other end. Today, I went for a walk to pray through once of these situations. I felt like an asshole, as though I’m being selfish. What is my boundary? I’m asking someone I love to stop talking trash about another person I love. When I see it in words on my laptop screen, I know I’m doing the right thing.

It isn’t love to tolerate the complaints and dishonor of one human toward another.

What My Worries Are

The most obvious flaw of my feelings are I must accept the and listen to someone when they trash others. My concern is if I am vocal, and enforce a boundary of honor, I will be accused of being selfish or manipulative. It’s not true. Again, when I see the words on screen, it’s very apparently. I’m doing the right thing. I am not called to embrace the offense and resentment of others.

I want to walk and sit with people in their low moments. Friendship and love is, in part, how we embrace the struggles of our loved ones. But when someone wants to bitch and complain, and be a victim? No. That’s something else.

Still, isn’t love patient, kind, and long-suffering? What does love looks like in what I’m facing? I know I don’t have to tolerate the willful resentment someone carries, but I do not want to shame and push them away. I’m not sure what the answer is.

What I Believe

I don’t have a concrete answer of how to navigate this season of my life. What I choose to believe is I can navigate this stickiness. I’m not sure what the answers will be, I just have faith they exist. (I am probably other thinking it.) Regardless, my heart is to honor everyone involved. And I trust the Lord to give me wisdom and grace. I will not crucify myself as I know I’m doing my best.

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

My Prayer

Lord…help. I want to love myself and my friends. I lay my desires and burdens at Your feet. I accept Your peace and grace. I know I will find the loving solutions. Showers my friends with Your Love and Wisdom. Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #105 Picking the Right Words

I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

2020. What a year for me, and it ain’t over. Today, and quite unexpectedly, an old friend texted me with a big question, “Why did you go silent?” It’s not the kind of question she asks. She prefers to avoid hard conversations. Our friendship is nearly twenty years old, and we’ve managed to escape direct conflict. Real friends, in my view, have hard interpersonal discussions. These exchanges typically erode or built a friendship. I see the lack of honest, vulnerable talks as a problem. I’m not sure we are strong enough to handle a difficult exchange.

What’s The Issue

I know what the issues are for me. I battle posting the details on the internet. The most polite and vague, if not tired, way to express the problem is “we’ve grown apart.” Twenty years ago we went to ministry school together. We shared common beliefs, experiences, and goals. My guess is she thought she would marry a pastor type, have kids, and wait to die. I’m not sure what I wanted or expected at age 21. (It was a rough time in my life.)

I’m 100% positive life did not go according to plan for either of us. She is still single and waiting to die alone. Every day, month, and year that passes, she seems a little more distant from the person full of dreams and hope. She acts resigned to a fate she cannot change. And, she desperately wants to be saved.

I don’t pass judgment on her for falling into hopelessness or despair. Self-pity once dominated my life, and I expected a miracle to dramatically change my reality. I saw myself as a mutant, as less than human. I looked for justification to avoid growth and humiliation.

What I cannot do, what I will not do, is indulge her self-pity and fear. Over the last three years, I intentionally tried to encourage her to pursue passions in her heart and new ways to date- apps, online services, blind dates, etc. On nearly every occasion, she finds the crack or flaw, her rationale to avoid pain.

The last few years, this dear friend has become increasingly argumentative and judgmental. She often complains about her job, clients, friends, and her church. I can’t remember the last time she expressed gratitude or optimism about anything in her life. I have a hard time watching someone become a shadow of who they were.

Like I said, I don’t know how to talk to her any more. I want to be a person of gratitude and faith regardless of circumstance. I want to be a person of love. I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

Searching For The Answer

As of this writing, I do not know how I will respond to the question I was asked (why did you go silent?) I’m called to love people, and I believe I’m allowed to have boundaries. So, I’m not sure what love looks like in this scenario. She’s my friend, not my employee or my boss. I don’t know what my responsibility is toward her. Love is very patient. It is kind and long-suffering.

I think I need to lay out a new vision for our friendship, one built on encouragement and hope. It might be my best bet- to pitch an idea of what’s possible rather than hand her a scorecard of all the ways she’s falling short. I think she knows she’s in a hole. Most people know when they are in the pits and longing to be free. I don’t need to describe the walls of her personal hell.

Lord, help. I love my friend, and I think it’s time to say no more cynicism or sarcasm. Your will be done, more than anything.

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Daily Journal: #100(!) What Friendship Is

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

Let’s begin my stating early, friendship is a continuum. The continuum ranges and changes as we grow as people and experience life. I’m not sage when I say this. It is science, and nearly intuitive. When we are young we choose friend because- I like red trucks and you like red trucks, so let’s be friends. A bit older still we choose friends based on a common goals or beliefs- I am a Clemson Tiger, you are a Clemson Tiger, we should be friend. Strong friendships, those that last, tend to form out of shared experience- when character is tested.

It appears as though the older we grow, the more discriminate we become. I know I have, and yet not. For 15-20 years, I was particularly picky about who I let into “my inner circle.” I looked for people of depth and compassion. But really, the two defining characteristics they all held were: they praised me, and could handle me at my worst. Basically, they did not think I was a piece of shit.

What I’ve Learned

Three years ago the Lord challenged me to stop being picky about my friendships. He said I did not need to have the same depth and closeness with each person I deemed worthy of me. I didn’t know it then, but this little commandment was the beginning of a dramatic shift in my life. As I allowed some friendships to hang out in the shallow end of the spectrum and others to ebb and flow beyond my control, I began to decrease my need for and dependence on affirmation.

The reason this is important is because I lived off the affirmation of other people. I needed my friends to tell me what career to choose or introduce me to new people. Most importantly, I needed my friends to constantly build me up, to praise me. I did not believe in me, and so the words of others meant everything to my broken heart.

Fast forward to 2020, and some of the final chains of insecurity finally broke from my heart and mind. I started to affirm myself and believe in my own awesomeness. Almost over night friends are no longer what I need, but those I get to love.

I first noticed this shift in my heart in early August. While at a party a few friends complimented my weight loss. I was stunned by my internal response. Politely I gave them a smile-filled thank you, but inside it meant nothing. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate their kind words, I just didn’t need it. I am eating well and losing weight for me, not them.

I want to remain humble at all times, so I don’t intend to be arrogant when I say I didn’t need their kind words. What I mean to say is now that I do not seek the affirmation of others, it seems odd when I receive it. Regardless, I no longer burden my friendships with my need for love and acceptance. It is a freedom we all need.

This new freedom enables me to be in the moment, rather than judging the moment. It also allows me to take each friendship at its own pace. The lack of expectation is a real blessing. I don’t feel entitled to anything and therefore feel nothing but gratitude when someone reaches out to say hello or invites me over for dinner.

Most importantly, I no longer see the faults in others as slight toward me. Every single relationship as an arc based on the mental, emotional, and spiritual reality of the people in them. Each person contributes something to a friendship. I now know and have confidence in what I bring to each person I love. And, I do not take personal responsibility for anyone’s flaws. Those flaws are not mine to carry or fix. (But, I am willing to walk with anyone willing to face their bullshit.)

Lingering Frustration

It’s a lie to think I’ve got it all figured out. I do not. I’d love to be the ant in the carpet to listen to my roommate talk candidly about his experience of me. The things is, I can’t correct what I don’t know is broken. The best I can do is create an atmosphere of empathy and honest communication.

My current frustrations center around wanting to save people from immature and self-destructive decisions. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into the hearts and brains of some of these friends. They’d realize they don’t have to delay joy or live in a state of victimhood. I’m sure many people thought similar thoughts when they watched me walk into traps and deserts.

It’s tough to watch our friends live beneath what’s within their grasp. It’s like choosing to eat garbage in the back alley when everything in the restaurant is delicious and free. It is in this moment, full of frustration, I find my highest calling as a friend- to endure and persist as others grow and mature. Jesus did it for His disciples. Why can’t I?

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

(Most of my friendships are rock solid. I am blessed to know some of the best people on Earth, and I’m human. I still battle, at times, my tendency to see what isn’t going well. I feel like I look for reasons to tear myself down. In these moments, I do things like focus on suffering friendships. I’m working on it.)

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