Journal: #150 Blog Posts In, Many More To Go

Daily Journal

Dec 17

I started my blog on July 11th. It’s December 17th. When I click publish on this post, it will be my 150th daily Journal blog post in the last 158 days. And, I can’t remember the last day I didn’t post something (upon review, 30 days straight, 70 of the last 71.)

Yesterday I wrote about walking. My relationship to the written word is similar in that it’s been a slow and steady build. The shelves in my bedroom have stacks of dusty journals dating back to 1997. I created and published my first blog in 2008. (This blog is my tenth blog.) It’s long been deleted, as have all the others. The 150 posts (plus poems and other posts) are collectively more posts than all the previous blogs combined. Obviously, I found something I like.

Why I Started Writing

As previously stated, I started journaling in high school. What no one knows, until now, is why. So, get ready to have your mind blown. Here’s the truth: I started journaling…for chicks. It’s an original idea, all my own. As you can probably know, it worked perfectly. (For the sake of clarity, I’m still as single as the Pope.)

In April of 1997, the movie The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue was released. I loved it. Shue became my teenage crush, and Kilmer cemented his status as one of my favorite actors.

It hit all my teenage buttons- action, a bit of mystery, romance, solving world problems like pollution and cheap renewable energy. I wanted to somehow emulate The Saint. I wanted to travel the world, stop world hunger, and end global warming. I also wanted to have an intelligent and beautiful woman fall desperately in love with me.

By now, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with journaling. Right? Well, in the movie, Val Kilmer’s character Simon created a journal full of poems and drawings as part of a persona he created to woo Elizabeth Shue’s character, Dr Emma Russell.

I, being who I was at 16 when I first watched The Saint (and would go on to rewatch many times), decided I needed to be more mysterious and poetic. I eventually made my way to the bookstore next to theatre where I purchased my first 8.5 x 5.5 inch Strathmore Sketchbook. It currently lays among the dust covered journals in my room.

What It Means To Me Now

I flipped through that original journal a few weeks ago. It was a humorous moment filled with embarrassment and delight. 16 year-old me didn’t have a clue who he was or where he’d go. But, he did believe he had to be someone else, a person he wasn’t. If I could tell him anything, it would be this: Jesus loves you as you are. Be you buddy.

Journaling was suppose to be part of my mystique. It was suppose to be something I used to impress other people, a woman perhaps. Thankfully, it became a place of intimacy between me and the Holy Spirit. The writing isn’t dignified or noteworthy, but it is honest.

The joy I find writing these blogs and journaling is real. Once I removed the need to be famous or lauded, I found the strength to be myself. I’m not sure if any of this will lead anywhere, and I don’t care.

I Write Because I Love It

As with walking everyday, I write everyday because it feeds a part of my soul. Cooking doesn’t do it for me, and a great conversation with a friend is not substitute. Nothing else can take the place of watching my words appear on the screen or paper, words from my heart and mind.

Any Plans?

I’d love to become a greater writer. Why not? For now, I’m very content to type in obscurity. Besides, writing for the public- something relevant, timely, and insightful- is difficult. It requires skill, an audience, and a bit of talent. I believe I am improving on all fronts, but I’ve got a ways to go.

The only goal I have is to post over 300 hundred blog posts by July 11th, 2021. At the rate I’m going I’ll hit close to 350, but we’ll see. Regardless, I will not ignore writing and posting blogs. I can’t. Something in me would starve, and I’d suffer.

God Is Good

I can’t explain why or how, but there is a gift from the Lord in all this. The deeper I dive into walking, writing, and praying, the more I experience the supernatural goodness of the God. It isn’t like being high or spiritually drunk, like I’d expect. It’s a confidence(faith) I see in other areas of the my life.

Love produces real fruit, and it is a lie to believe self-love is a lesser love. I once believed it was, that I had to sacrifice myself for love. Now I don’t. It’s not love to deny myself what brings me true joy.

Self-Love is Real Love

I think a lot of us believe we have to put ourselves on the back burner. It becomes habitual and expected, but it’s not healthy. I spent most of my life trying to be someone else and constantly lived in the shadows too afraid to fail at what my heart wanted most.

It’s odd isn’t it, to believe I could fail at writing or walking or pursuing the Lord? What standard was I using? I forget, because it’s not important. My testimony is real simple to this point. By embracing myself and doing what’s in my heart to do I discovered more life than I ever had before.

God is so good like that. All He ever wanted for me is to be myself. If He’s the Tree of Life, being who He created me to be is the fruit. And if writing is part of who I am, no matter the result, I can’t stop.

And, I won’t. Today I celebrate my 150th Journal post, and look forward to thousands more. Happy Thursday.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com