Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/31/21 Nik Curfman 1/31/21

Journal: #192 Jesus Changed My Life

I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

I agree with the sentiment first attributed to Mark Twain “Comparison is the death of Joy.” Psychology research says it is who we compare ourselves to that matters most. Regardless, when we compare our lives to others we play a dangerous game. We are the Lord’s. How dare we look to other’s to judge our progress or worth.

Heart Broken for a Friend

Today, I saw an Instagram post from a dear friend which broke my heart for them. I know this person struggles to love who they are, and to see them still struggling was tough for me. They constantly compare and judge their life as inadequate. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into their veins. All I could do was pray for their heart and a fresh release of vision from the Holy Spirit.

Happy For Me

In the same instant my heart broke for my friend, I felt a personal sense of success. I haven’t seen my friend in months but at one point we shared a lot of life together. Then our paths diverged. I went up the mountain, and they went on their way. If recent posts are an indicator, they still seem to be surrounded by doubt and worthlessness. That’s a douchey way to say it. Perhaps I will discover a more apt expression of my personal feeling, but for now success is it. (Proud perhaps?)

Since I read the Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth, my life hasn’t been the same. I’m not sure why I needed to read a book at the age of 38 to understand the meaning of hard work and determination, but I did. The Lord knew it was was a major piece necessary to get me over a few big life hurdles.

Since the fall of 2018, I dive head first into whatever I decide to do. Go hard, or go home. Half-assed effort is the mark of the immature and afraid. I apply this approach in business, personal relationships, and my walk with Jesus. When I feel like crap, like a fraud or a failure, I don’t let it stop me. I’m willing to show up despite the negative thoughts and heavy emotions.

Show up Everyday

I named this website Fearless Grit because it’s how I see my walk with the Lord. It’s real work. Some days feel like my mind is stuck in the quick sand of distraction. On others, doubt and insecurity build walls around my heart. There always seems to be a reason to run from the Lord. Yet, I show up and say “here I am, Lord. I trust you.”

Am I proud of this? Yeah. A little. Since the beginning of last year I’ve: found the source of my anger and rooted it out, discovered my identity in the Lord, overcome fear, found my callings, exposed the desires of my heart and developed the faith to run after them.

No matter what anyone else can see, I know the Lord has rewarded my effort. He’s proud of me, and He loves me. Every day is an opportunity to fight back against evil and be a light to those around me.

Back to Instagram. I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

If I can say anything to any of my fellow Christians, let it be that the Lord is good and His love endures. The more you expose your heart and mind to Him, the more you will see chains fall and roads become straight. Show up(everyday). Let Him love you. It’ll change your life.

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Nik Curfman 12/17/20 Nik Curfman 12/17/20

Journal: #150 Blog Posts In, Many More To Go

As with walking everyday, I write everyday because it feeds a part of my soul. Cooking doesn’t do it for me, and a great conversation with a friend is not substitute. Nothing else can take the place of watching my words appear on the screen or paper, words from my heart and mind.

I started my blog on July 11th. It’s December 17th. When I click publish on this post, it will be my 150th daily Journal blog post in the last 158 days. And, I can’t remember the last day I didn’t post something (upon review, 30 days straight, 70 of the last 71.)

Yesterday I wrote about walking. My relationship to the written word is similar in that it’s been a slow and steady build. The shelves in my bedroom have stacks of dusty journals dating back to 1997. I created and published my first blog in 2008. (This blog is my tenth blog.) It’s long been deleted, as have all the others. The 150 posts (plus poems and other posts) are collectively more posts than all the previous blogs combined. Obviously, I found something I like.

Why I Started Writing

As previously stated, I started journaling in high school. What no one knows, until now, is why. So, get ready to have your mind blown. Here’s the truth: I started journaling…for chicks. It’s an original idea, all my own. As you can probably know, it worked perfectly. (For the sake of clarity, I’m still as single as the Pope.)

In April of 1997, the movie The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue was released. I loved it. Shue became my teenage crush, and Kilmer cemented his status as one of my favorite actors.

It hit all my teenage buttons- action, a bit of mystery, romance, solving world problems like pollution and cheap renewable energy. I wanted to somehow emulate The Saint. I wanted to travel the world, stop world hunger, and end global warming. I also wanted to have an intelligent and beautiful woman fall desperately in love with me.

By now, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with journaling. Right? Well, in the movie, Val Kilmer’s character Simon created a journal full of poems and drawings as part of a persona he created to woo Elizabeth Shue’s character, Dr Emma Russell.

I, being who I was at 16 when I first watched The Saint (and would go on to rewatch many times), decided I needed to be more mysterious and poetic. I eventually made my way to the bookstore next to theatre where I purchased my first 8.5 x 5.5 inch Strathmore Sketchbook. It currently lays among the dust covered journals in my room.

What It Means To Me Now

I flipped through that original journal a few weeks ago. It was a humorous moment filled with embarrassment and delight. 16 year-old me didn’t have a clue who he was or where he’d go. But, he did believe he had to be someone else, a person he wasn’t. If I could tell him anything, it would be this: Jesus loves you as you are. Be you buddy.

Journaling was suppose to be part of my mystique. It was suppose to be something I used to impress other people, a woman perhaps. Thankfully, it became a place of intimacy between me and the Holy Spirit. The writing isn’t dignified or noteworthy, but it is honest.

The joy I find writing these blogs and journaling is real. Once I removed the need to be famous or lauded, I found the strength to be myself. I’m not sure if any of this will lead anywhere, and I don’t care.

I Write Because I Love It

Any Plans?

I’d love to become a greater writer. Why not? For now, I’m very content to type in obscurity. Besides, writing for the public- something relevant, timely, and insightful- is difficult. It requires skill, an audience, and a bit of talent. I believe I am improving on all fronts, but I’ve got a ways to go.

The only goal I have is to post over 300 hundred blog posts by July 11th, 2021. At the rate I’m going I’ll hit close to 350, but we’ll see. Regardless, I will not ignore writing and posting blogs. I can’t. Something in me would starve, and I’d suffer.

God Is Good

I can’t explain why or how, but there is a gift from the Lord in all this. The deeper I dive into walking, writing, and praying, the more I experience the supernatural goodness of the God. It isn’t like being high or spiritually drunk, like I’d expect. It’s a confidence(faith) I see in other areas of the my life.

Love produces real fruit, and it is a lie to believe self-love is a lesser love. I once believed it was, that I had to sacrifice myself for love. Now I don’t. It’s not love to deny myself what brings me true joy.

Self-Love is Real Love

I think a lot of us believe we have to put ourselves on the back burner. It becomes habitual and expected, but it’s not healthy. I spent most of my life trying to be someone else and constantly lived in the shadows too afraid to fail at what my heart wanted most.

It’s odd isn’t it, to believe I could fail at writing or walking or pursuing the Lord? What standard was I using? I forget, because it’s not important. My testimony is real simple to this point. By embracing myself and doing what’s in my heart to do I discovered more life than I ever had before.

God is so good like that. All He ever wanted for me is to be myself. If He’s the Tree of Life, being who He created me to be is the fruit. And if writing is part of who I am, no matter the result, I can’t stop.

And, I won’t. Today I celebrate my 150th Journal post, and look forward to thousands more. Happy Thursday.

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Nik Curfman 11/4/20 Nik Curfman 11/4/20

Daily Journal: #108 All I Can Do Is Show Up

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

Today is one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. I feel numb, and the excitement of the summer is officially in the past. I search for little encouragements where I can during the day. They are to be found in my early walks and evening prayers. I am not discouraged or afraid, rather I exist in a personal netherworld.

All of the thoughts and emotions usually associated with self-pity and despair are present, like an unwelcome guest. They sit outside my being scheming and waiting to be indulged. Despite my present awareness of these corrupt temptations, they are at arms length from my heart.

While I am aware and detached from my old enemies, I do not count motivation or inspiration among my friends. Where I am, and what I pursue is not something I am prepared to do. Regardless, my grand quest is underway, and the trailhead is at my back. I know who I am, what I value. I know where I want to be. The way is steep, and I cannot let the condition of path dictate my value of the journey. Now is my time to grind.

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

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