Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/16/21 Nik Curfman 4/16/21

Journal: #258 To Love Me

In September, my life will change again. I’m looking forward to it. For the next 15 weeks, the fight will be to love myself and be the best me without and external motivation. My opportunity is to continue to show at His feet and attend to my heart. That’s my summer task, to love me.

I thought last summer was the fight of my life, for my person and future. It wasn’t. Last summer, under the motivation to prove myself worthy, instead I made significant strides toward how I interact with myself. With all the external motivation gone, I’m left to myself. So now what?

The idea that last summer prepared me for this year is not new. As soon as the bullshit of 2021 began to roll in I knew 2020 was a setup for what was to come. In 2020 I learned to live from a place of faith in the Jesus, what loving myself looks like, and how to persevere. The last domino to fall was the final acceptance my ex wasn’t coming back. 2020 finally dead, it’s seed beginning to sprout in my life.

Nik Curfman 3/24/21 Nik Curfman 3/24/21

Abstract: He Is Me

But, he’s forgotten,

I’ve know him my whole life,

and I know he’s scared.

He’s got a strong voice,

sounds an awful lot like mine,

and he lives in cracks of my mind.

On a day like today,

He’s hurling fear,

in anxious waves at my heart.

But, he’s forgotten,

I’ve know him my whole life,

and I know he’s scared.

He’s afraid of the future,

that he’s alone,

that all road to a blank desert.

I forgive his outburst, his shudders,

Because, I love him.

His tortured taunts are his cry for grace.

That guy,

He’s wrong.

I forgive his outburst, his shudders,

Because, I love him.

His tortured taunts are his cry for grace.

After a few deep breaths,

I whisper my kind response.

“You are loved and worthy of love Nik,

It’s the melody playing in the background of your life.

In that Eternal Love,

is a thousand new beginnings,

and a Shelter from every anxious moment.”

Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Journal: #173 Favorite Moments of 2020: Self-Care

What I can do is continue do love myself everyday. So I’ll keep going on my walks, praying and singing to the Lord, writing blog posts, and distancing myself from people who seek to become anchors around my ass. One way or another, I’m going to live and enjoy my life. It’s a gift from God, and I will treat it as such.

This post is third of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, and #4 Discovering Myself here.

Learning From Disaster

The conviction to love myself sunk into my chest on a tear-filled Friday afternoon. It was on that day I finally understood there was a part of my heart designed for me- a part of my soul only I can love and service. I’ve got to serve me as I would anyone else.

On that day, my undiagnosable stomach ailment had returned, the woman I loved was losing her battle with anxiety, and my business partner had grown distant in anticipation of our split. Unable to work, I went home and sobbed into the carpet before the Lord. I tried everything I knew to avoid this pain, but it came all the same.

Stop Ignoring Me

I believe the break-up and business split would’ve happened regardless of what I said or did. Ironically, I was on both sides of each parting. My heart was in one venture, but not in the other. What I did not do well was handle the stress and strain. I didn’t care for myself through the fire, and nearly burnt out…again.

In this place, I turned to the Lord and finally laid down the last bit of control I held. For 40 years, I’ve tried to be all the things, and now I was broken. Really broken, mind, body, and spirit.

Alright Lord, let’s do this your way. Forever.

Message From Jesus: Love Thyself

What’s amazing about that moment is the Lord turned it back on me. He told me to do what’s in my heart to do, and love myself. How awesome is that? The Holy Spirit didn’t command me to scale a mountain or get a thousand people saved. It said “be you.”

Since that afternoon in late May, I’ve learned what it means to love Nik. It looks like long walks and saying no to abusive relationships. It’s taking time to rest when my body hurts and my emotions are raw. Most importantly, it is making time every day to love and run after Jesus, to pray, to cry, and praise Him for the life He’s granted me.

This Moment Was in the Works

I can see in retrospect I’ve been on this path for the last 4-5 years. I’ve learned to love being in nature. My first trip to the Redwoods made my heart come alive as I drank in the landscape of giant trees, winding streams, and mist. During the COVID quarantine I went on a lot of walks, usually with Ms C. Even without her, I found a peace and glory in just moving through the world outside of the shelters we create.

And, I finally found the inner strength to let go of toxic relationships. I wasn’t aware of the amount of stress I carried because of the power I gave to certain voices in my life. And now that they are gone, my stress level is much lower. The lack of shitty voices also created a space for new people to shine. This is the glory of God too.

Jesus Loved and Valued Himself

The world tells us we must tolerate the bullshit people fling at us. It’s not true. Jesus was not a passive doormat. He challenged his followers, questioned His mother, and refused to conform to the norms.

No. I don’t see Jesus as some crazed, aggressive rebel as some posit Him to be. He also wept over Lazarus, felt compassion on the poor and down-hearted, and made time for the children. He preached of an eternal loving Father, grace for all, and hope for the hopeless.

If I Want To Live, I Gotta Love

None of us can stand in the place of our calling without strength, hope, and faith. And those of us who dare to threaten hell will be tested and attacked. One way to combat this is in the daily service of our physical bodies, our minds, and our hearts. This is why Jesus slept and often went away into the wilderness.

Yes. I plan and aim to be a mighty man of the Lord, whatever it looks like. I will expand the Kingdom and push the darkness back. I can’t do that if I’m full of fear, constantly worried what people will think, or unable to care for myself.

Love Is A Daily Habit

Last year was painful at times, and I expect to have more pain in the future. If I love a woman and she can’t or doesn’t want to love me back, there’s nothing I can do about it. If someone I partner with decides to go a different way or default on our agreement, there’s not much I can do but bleed and heal.

That’s life.

What a gracious moment in the middle of a storm. To feel the conviction of what “love thyself” truly means and see what it is. Thank you Lord for this kindness. It came without guilt or sadness, and in a moment when my ears were open.

Thank you Lord. Your rebuke is truly better than secret love. It is not condemnation but a call to a higher level of life in You.

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Nik Curfman 1/8/21 Nik Curfman 1/8/21

Journal: #169 Favorite Moments of 2020: Loving Who I Am

In 2020, I learned I can no longer ignore myself. I must love who I am and respect the desires of my heart. It means I’ve got to run after what I buried…and trust the Lord. I am enough. What I want and who I am is enough.

This post is fourth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, and #5 Growing in Gratitude here.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed if you will. Beginning in April of 2020, I was given the opportunity to explore my heart. Ignoring my heart, my soul, my being has only led to pain and suffering. On this occasion I was ready to let it be what it is, not what I think it should be.

I want to explain this process was not and is not easy. The examination of my inner being, what gives me life, where I find joy and wonder, is a scary. Yet, as I write, I am aware of a deeper more intimidating task.

It’s one thing to say what we want or who are. It’s another to guard and protect it, to nourish and feed it, to love ourselves the way we love others. This is the riskiest gambit of all. What if I fail at being me? What if my heart and soul tricked me? And, I will be poor and alone forever?

Therein lay the biggest lie: what I am, who I am, what I want isn’t good enough. But, good enough for what? For who? So now, for the first time I will admit something. I’ve been so scared of being a poor husband and father I judged all of my life choices and desires through this lens. The choices I made in life from trying to lose weight to becoming a partner in a BBQ business were for them.

The desires in my heart- to love people, to write, to sculpt, to invest- weren’t good enough. I’d never make enough money to support them the way I being myself. So….I’ve got to be someone else.

This blog is more than just a blog, is an enduring demonstration of self-love. Every day I write and post is a moment I choose to love me, to feed my heart, and be who I am. Some days are more rewarding than others, and some more difficult. Regardless of the result, I never regret this space. Regardless of how many people read my words, I will continue to write. And no matter what any woman thinks, I won’t stop.

I still have to learn a lot about what it means to love myself and serve my heart. It’s easy to slip into old patterns of fear, to put off the scary and intimidating. But, I will not relent or make excuses. Gains will be made followed by the occasion step back. I’m ok with that.

Above all, learning to love myself includes being kind and gracious with me. It’s ok when I fail and the world seems to weigh heavier than normal. It’s ok when my future seems like a long way off. And it’s definitely ok that I’m not perfect.

I love me, my brain, my heart, and my constant belief in good of each human. I love my heart for God and His presence, and delicious food. And, I really love my ability to continue on through pain and disappointment.

2020 gave me the opportunity to love and appreciate me, and face my fears. How great is that?

Here is short form list of a few more aspects of who I am:

I am more risk tolerant than most. An individual’s ability to handle risk, to live in uncertainty, face the possibility of loss or pain depends on the person. In the last ten years alone, I moved around the country, held various jobs in various fields, and met a lot of people. And the older I get the more effort I put into life. I don’t mind change or think failure is the end.
I don’t love sports, but they are ok. I was once a massive sports fan, not any more. I didn’t miss basketball or baseball when they were cancelled last spring. But, this fall, I found myself enjoying college football in a detached way. I think i could learn to be a super casual sports fan.
Being a foodie is not part of my identity. For years, I ingratiated myself to people through food. I cooked for people and propped myself up as an expert. My knowledge and experience is vast, so it’s not a bad way to lead into a new relationship. It’s just not how I want to be seen and known. I love my creativity and compassion for people, and that’s how I want to be known.
I’d rather be outside than inside. Again, thank God for COVID. Without the distraction of sports, I got outside. I love it. I love walks and hikes, the clouds and sun. The progression of nature through each season is far more interesting than anything on TV. It’s slow and methodical, yet relentless.
My future is bright. One thing I love about myself is I am a fighter. I didn’t see it until this year, but I will not be a person “stuck in my ways.” I want to learn, to grow, to live better and love people more than I did a year ago. My growth is uneven and inconsistent, but it is trending in the right direction.

I’ll finish by repeating what I wrote in the introduction. My decision to listen to the Lord and allow Him to expose my heart was an incredible moment. I’m amazing and what’s in my heart is good. If that’s all I learned in 2020, that would be enough.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for exposing the lies that held me inside. Just as importantly, thank you for showing me the goodness you put inside me. That’s your DNA, the eternal Goodness. Forgive me for ignoring it until now. I want to make up for time lost. I know we will.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/17/20 Nik Curfman 12/17/20

Journal: #150 Blog Posts In, Many More To Go

As with walking everyday, I write everyday because it feeds a part of my soul. Cooking doesn’t do it for me, and a great conversation with a friend is not substitute. Nothing else can take the place of watching my words appear on the screen or paper, words from my heart and mind.

I started my blog on July 11th. It’s December 17th. When I click publish on this post, it will be my 150th daily Journal blog post in the last 158 days. And, I can’t remember the last day I didn’t post something (upon review, 30 days straight, 70 of the last 71.)

Yesterday I wrote about walking. My relationship to the written word is similar in that it’s been a slow and steady build. The shelves in my bedroom have stacks of dusty journals dating back to 1997. I created and published my first blog in 2008. (This blog is my tenth blog.) It’s long been deleted, as have all the others. The 150 posts (plus poems and other posts) are collectively more posts than all the previous blogs combined. Obviously, I found something I like.

Why I Started Writing

As previously stated, I started journaling in high school. What no one knows, until now, is why. So, get ready to have your mind blown. Here’s the truth: I started journaling…for chicks. It’s an original idea, all my own. As you can probably know, it worked perfectly. (For the sake of clarity, I’m still as single as the Pope.)

In April of 1997, the movie The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue was released. I loved it. Shue became my teenage crush, and Kilmer cemented his status as one of my favorite actors.

It hit all my teenage buttons- action, a bit of mystery, romance, solving world problems like pollution and cheap renewable energy. I wanted to somehow emulate The Saint. I wanted to travel the world, stop world hunger, and end global warming. I also wanted to have an intelligent and beautiful woman fall desperately in love with me.

By now, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with journaling. Right? Well, in the movie, Val Kilmer’s character Simon created a journal full of poems and drawings as part of a persona he created to woo Elizabeth Shue’s character, Dr Emma Russell.

I, being who I was at 16 when I first watched The Saint (and would go on to rewatch many times), decided I needed to be more mysterious and poetic. I eventually made my way to the bookstore next to theatre where I purchased my first 8.5 x 5.5 inch Strathmore Sketchbook. It currently lays among the dust covered journals in my room.

What It Means To Me Now

I flipped through that original journal a few weeks ago. It was a humorous moment filled with embarrassment and delight. 16 year-old me didn’t have a clue who he was or where he’d go. But, he did believe he had to be someone else, a person he wasn’t. If I could tell him anything, it would be this: Jesus loves you as you are. Be you buddy.

Journaling was suppose to be part of my mystique. It was suppose to be something I used to impress other people, a woman perhaps. Thankfully, it became a place of intimacy between me and the Holy Spirit. The writing isn’t dignified or noteworthy, but it is honest.

The joy I find writing these blogs and journaling is real. Once I removed the need to be famous or lauded, I found the strength to be myself. I’m not sure if any of this will lead anywhere, and I don’t care.

I Write Because I Love It

Any Plans?

I’d love to become a greater writer. Why not? For now, I’m very content to type in obscurity. Besides, writing for the public- something relevant, timely, and insightful- is difficult. It requires skill, an audience, and a bit of talent. I believe I am improving on all fronts, but I’ve got a ways to go.

The only goal I have is to post over 300 hundred blog posts by July 11th, 2021. At the rate I’m going I’ll hit close to 350, but we’ll see. Regardless, I will not ignore writing and posting blogs. I can’t. Something in me would starve, and I’d suffer.

God Is Good

I can’t explain why or how, but there is a gift from the Lord in all this. The deeper I dive into walking, writing, and praying, the more I experience the supernatural goodness of the God. It isn’t like being high or spiritually drunk, like I’d expect. It’s a confidence(faith) I see in other areas of the my life.

Love produces real fruit, and it is a lie to believe self-love is a lesser love. I once believed it was, that I had to sacrifice myself for love. Now I don’t. It’s not love to deny myself what brings me true joy.

Self-Love is Real Love

I think a lot of us believe we have to put ourselves on the back burner. It becomes habitual and expected, but it’s not healthy. I spent most of my life trying to be someone else and constantly lived in the shadows too afraid to fail at what my heart wanted most.

It’s odd isn’t it, to believe I could fail at writing or walking or pursuing the Lord? What standard was I using? I forget, because it’s not important. My testimony is real simple to this point. By embracing myself and doing what’s in my heart to do I discovered more life than I ever had before.

God is so good like that. All He ever wanted for me is to be myself. If He’s the Tree of Life, being who He created me to be is the fruit. And if writing is part of who I am, no matter the result, I can’t stop.

And, I won’t. Today I celebrate my 150th Journal post, and look forward to thousands more. Happy Thursday.

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Nik Curfman 11/21/20 Nik Curfman 11/21/20

Journal: #124 Tired of Judgment

I once heard a pastor say, “If someone doesn’t like me that’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I’m awesome.” I thought he was being a jackass when he said it, but now I get it. I tell myself I’m awesome and amazing. For a second or two, I believe it. My it’s not my reality. I do not live in a constant state of self-approval and affirmation. But, maybe I could?

Today on the trail was a long time coming. As I turned the last corner to head back to my car I let it slip, “Lord, I’m tired of judgment. I’m tired of feeling judged and of judging others. Forgive me.” Those three simple sentences let loose a torrent of bound emotion, snot, and tears. My need to declare what is valuable and worthy was a stone around my heart. I doubled over in relief as the burden slide off my soul.

I don’t know when I started to feel judged or started to judge others. It’s an unimportant fact. All I know is I’ve decided who is worthy and unworthy as long as I can remember. I could blame my parents or the culture as the origin of my pain, but what use is that? I am a grown ass man, and I don’t need to protect my ego. I’m here, in the this moment. I am responsible of Nik. I get to love myself without condemning anyone else.

I Am Who I Am

Today’s glory moment began innocently enough. While on my afternoon stroll, I thought about investment strategies. Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in the stock market, options, and day trading. That whole world intrigues me. It’s an interest I’ve maintained, which is a signal to me. I need to scratch this itch.

What I love about stock trading isn’t the fantasy of instant riches, rather the intellectual disciplined required to “beat the market.” There’s something to being a successful trader that pricks my mental capacity and challenges my inner competitor. It’s a game, and I love to compete.

Halfway through my walk, I was triggered into a shame spiral. (I’ll spare you the details.) In a matter of minutes, I started to judge myself and my interest in the stock market. And, I hated myself for it. Why can’t I be good enough for myself? I don’t need the people around me to love what I love, but I do need them to love me. No matter what. Isn’t that what’s important?

I’m tired of trying to be what I think other people want me to be. How dare I let another person judge me and my interests? It’s my responsibility to guard my heart and mind, so I don’t blame anyone. I’ve been judged my whole life and it won’t stop. People are imperfect and will continue to be.

My goal is keep my heart judgment free.

It Starts With Me

Rejection is my bitter pill. It’s hard for me to swallow, and yet it’s pill I often give myself. Today in the woods was a perfect example of self-rejection. I wonder if there is a place where I can fully accept me, without judgment or shame. I think it’s possible, but I’m not certain. I assume the more self-love I discover- the more grace and patience I aim at my soul- the tougher the skin around my heart will grow.

I’ve got to try, I believe. More to the point, I’ve got to remain firm in dedication to believe what the Lord says about me. No human can judge me unworthy of love or respect, including me. I can’t judge myself or punish myself because I feel unworthy. Correspondingly, I want to extend grace, kindness, and patience to everyone I know and meet.

I can control what I can control. I will continue to take time to love and care for myself, especially when the voice of judgement comes calling.

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