Journal: #124 Tired of Judgment

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Today on the trail was a long time coming. As I turned the last corner to head back to my car I let it slip, “Lord, I’m tired of judgment. I’m tired of feeling judged and of judging others. Forgive me.” Those three simple sentences let loose a torrent of bound emotion, snot, and tears. My need to declare what is valuable and worthy was a stone around my heart. I doubled over in relief as the burden slide off my soul.

I don’t know when I started to feel judged or started to judge others. It’s an unimportant fact. All I know is I’ve decided who is worthy and unworthy as long as I can remember. I could blame my parents or the culture as the origin of my pain, but what use is that? I am a grown ass man, and I don’t need to protect my ego. I’m here, in the this moment. I am responsible of Nik. I get to love myself without condemning anyone else.

I Am Who I Am

Today’s glory moment began innocently enough. While on my afternoon stroll, I thought about investment strategies. Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in the stock market, options, and day trading. That whole world intrigues me. It’s an interest I’ve maintained, which is a signal to me. I need to scratch this itch.

What I love about stock trading isn’t the fantasy of instant riches, rather the intellectual disciplined required to “beat the market.” There’s something to being a successful trader that pricks my mental capacity and challenges my inner competitor. It’s a game, and I love to compete.

Halfway through my walk, I was triggered into a shame spiral. (I’ll spare you the details.) In a matter of minutes, I started to judge myself and my interest in the stock market. And, I hated myself for it. Why can’t I be good enough for myself? I don’t need the people around me to love what I love, but I do need them to love me. No matter what. Isn’t that what’s important?

I’m tired of trying to be what I think other people want me to be. How dare I let another person judge me and my interests? It’s my responsibility to guard my heart and mind, so I don’t blame anyone. I’ve been judged my whole life and it won’t stop. People are imperfect and will continue to be.

My goal is keep my heart judgment free.

It Starts With Me

Rejection is my bitter pill. It’s hard for me to swallow, and yet it’s pill I often give myself. Today in the woods was a perfect example of self-rejection. I wonder if there is a place where I can fully accept me, without judgment or shame. I think it’s possible, but I’m not certain. I assume the more self-love I discover- the more grace and patience I aim at my soul- the tougher the skin around my heart will grow.

I once heard a pastor say, “If someone doesn’t like me that’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I’m awesome.” I thought he was being a jackass when he said it, but now I get it. I tell myself I’m awesome and amazing. For a second or two, I believe it. My it’s not my reality. I do not live in a constant state of self-approval and affirmation. But, maybe I could?

I’ve got to try, I believe. More to the point, I’ve got to remain firm in dedication to believe what the Lord says about me. No human can judge me unworthy of love or respect, including me. I can’t judge myself or punish myself because I feel unworthy. Correspondingly, I want to extend grace, kindness, and patience to everyone I know and meet.

I can control what I can control. I will continue to take time to love and care for myself, especially when the voice of judgement comes calling.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma