Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/21/20 Nik Curfman 11/21/20

Journal: #124 Tired of Judgment

I once heard a pastor say, “If someone doesn’t like me that’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I’m awesome.” I thought he was being a jackass when he said it, but now I get it. I tell myself I’m awesome and amazing. For a second or two, I believe it. My it’s not my reality. I do not live in a constant state of self-approval and affirmation. But, maybe I could?

Today on the trail was a long time coming. As I turned the last corner to head back to my car I let it slip, “Lord, I’m tired of judgment. I’m tired of feeling judged and of judging others. Forgive me.” Those three simple sentences let loose a torrent of bound emotion, snot, and tears. My need to declare what is valuable and worthy was a stone around my heart. I doubled over in relief as the burden slide off my soul.

I don’t know when I started to feel judged or started to judge others. It’s an unimportant fact. All I know is I’ve decided who is worthy and unworthy as long as I can remember. I could blame my parents or the culture as the origin of my pain, but what use is that? I am a grown ass man, and I don’t need to protect my ego. I’m here, in the this moment. I am responsible of Nik. I get to love myself without condemning anyone else.

I Am Who I Am

Today’s glory moment began innocently enough. While on my afternoon stroll, I thought about investment strategies. Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in the stock market, options, and day trading. That whole world intrigues me. It’s an interest I’ve maintained, which is a signal to me. I need to scratch this itch.

What I love about stock trading isn’t the fantasy of instant riches, rather the intellectual disciplined required to “beat the market.” There’s something to being a successful trader that pricks my mental capacity and challenges my inner competitor. It’s a game, and I love to compete.

Halfway through my walk, I was triggered into a shame spiral. (I’ll spare you the details.) In a matter of minutes, I started to judge myself and my interest in the stock market. And, I hated myself for it. Why can’t I be good enough for myself? I don’t need the people around me to love what I love, but I do need them to love me. No matter what. Isn’t that what’s important?

I’m tired of trying to be what I think other people want me to be. How dare I let another person judge me and my interests? It’s my responsibility to guard my heart and mind, so I don’t blame anyone. I’ve been judged my whole life and it won’t stop. People are imperfect and will continue to be.

My goal is keep my heart judgment free.

It Starts With Me

Rejection is my bitter pill. It’s hard for me to swallow, and yet it’s pill I often give myself. Today in the woods was a perfect example of self-rejection. I wonder if there is a place where I can fully accept me, without judgment or shame. I think it’s possible, but I’m not certain. I assume the more self-love I discover- the more grace and patience I aim at my soul- the tougher the skin around my heart will grow.

I’ve got to try, I believe. More to the point, I’ve got to remain firm in dedication to believe what the Lord says about me. No human can judge me unworthy of love or respect, including me. I can’t judge myself or punish myself because I feel unworthy. Correspondingly, I want to extend grace, kindness, and patience to everyone I know and meet.

I can control what I can control. I will continue to take time to love and care for myself, especially when the voice of judgement comes calling.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

LINKS

Walk in the Woods Blog

About

Marketing Services

Contact

Best of Monthly Email Sign Up

Nik Curfman 11/19/20 Nik Curfman 11/19/20

Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face it.

Yesterday evening, I sat in my apartment and sunk into self-pity. I felt unworthy of love due to lingering feelings of rejection. As a way of fighting through it, I wrote this poem and published it. The poem was my last healthy resort to a long-simmering problem. Fortunately, it worked. After I admitted my insecurities and saw them on screen, I was able to claim the upper hand.

Temptation Comes From Pain

This morning, I thought about last night. How did I manage to have my head down buried in shame? How did I end up being tempted again? For starters, temptations are more enticing when I am suffering. Temptation and sin are huge scarlet flags: something is wrong.

I never googled ‘porn.’ It usually started as a desire to google ‘photography,’ or some such feeder. I know photo blogs on Tumblr are often used as funnels by the porn industry, so I would lie to myself about my intent. Nothing wrong with looking as photo blogs on Tumblr, right? Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I heard that evil voice again. I recognized it for what it is, but was nonetheless discouraged. I hate I could hear it. When I’m fully healthy, I can’t even hear it.

Today, I laugh as I think about it. Another more subtle temptation is to condemn myself for hearing the voice of temptation. How crazy is that? In truth, I responded the right way. I didn’t partner with shame or my pain. And, it’s ok to battle insecurity. Temptation comes when we are weak to destroy our peace and love, but the Lord uses it to shine a light on our condition. (It’s what the Lord did with Cain, because Cain was tempted out of his rejection. The Lord asked Cain to affirm himself, and he did not.)

I’m proud of myself, and this fight is a positive indicator of my walk with the Lord. As bad as I felt yesterday, I choose to stand my ground. I choose to turn the Lord, and believe what His word. I am loved and worthy of love.

Face the Pain

What I realized today is I avoided myself of late. For a the last few weeks, I didn’t make time to process my suffering. I was scared of me. I hate circling back to the same issues. I want to process my life and move forward. But, that’s not human. It’s not gracious.

It’s ok if it takes time to fully overcome my reoccurring issues. The truth is I’ve made tremendous progress in the areas of rejection and self-worth. This post is proof. Last night was proof. I did not engage in self-destruction or self punishment. That’s a win.

The challenge for an introvert like me is to be unafraid of being alone. When I feel sadness tugging at the corner of my heart or rejection fogging my thoughts, I must face it directly. It’s too easy to spend alone time staring at a screen, completing mindless tasks, or writing blogs. Alone time is meant to be a place to recharge, so I can go back into the world at my best. It’s two edged sword though. Time spent alone is either nourishing or hell, depending on my disposition. When I am lost, alone time becomes a place of misery and self-loathing.

Introverts Need Guidance

“Suffering doesn’t melt away. It must be addressed.” My business coach told me that last July, and he’s right. All of the wishing and avoidance will not vanish the pain we hold. It must be rooted out. So for us introverts it means when we are alone, we use that time to face the pain. It’s a form of self-love and self-care.

(This is not a call to “figure yourself out.” I do not believe in self-perfection. We need each other. I am as guilty as anyone of trying to fix myself, but that’s not what I mean. I have a community of people and professionals to lean on when I need counseling and prayer. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need help from our friends.)

What I want to address is the confession of pain, taking thoughts captive, and renewing our minds.

The first step is confession. Whatever condition we are in, needs to be brought into the light. If you feel like shit, admit it. If you feel abused, confused, or empty, say it. Admitting how we feel is not agreement with it. I might feel rejected, but I don’t believe I’m worthless.
The next action is to question (take captive) our thoughts. My thoughts might tell me I’m worthless or unqualified. But, what if that’s not true? What does the Lord say about me? What are the alternatives? It helps to have the conversation aloud. We engage different parts of our brain when we use our voice. Thoughts are powerful, words are more powerful. So, answer your questions aloud. Anxiety pushes us toward an extreme responses. God’s goodness is somewhere between the two. And, the Lord always says I love you and you are worthy.
Finally, affirm yourself. Tell yourself “I love myself, I am loved, I am special.” Then confirm yourself with Jesus, “Lord, I trust you. I put my faith in you. I release my fear, shame, rejection, and pain.” Include your specific struggle.
Last point: Don’t rush the process. The steps above can be a lifeless routine or life-giving processes. Gratitude is key. I like to end these moments with worship and praise. It repositions my heart and mind to anticipate the goodness of God instead of the plans of the enemy.

I Believe In Being Free

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face my fears.

From this moment onward, I will now begin my alone time with asking myself “how’s your heart Nik?” I want to love myself enough expose my pain so I can heal.

Lord, thank you for grace and wisdom. I’m excited about the future.