Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/29/21 Nik Curfman 6/29/21

Journal: #321 What Judgement Free Can Be

Slow and steady wins this race, and the one tomorrow. I’m not going to fail myself today regardless of how today ends. I asked the Lord to help me eliminate the judgemental voices in my head, and He’s doing it. Through a combination of grace and gratitude, I’ve kept my cool. I love it. If this is my future I’m excited.

My day began slowly today. I got up late, decided to skip going to the trails, and went for a short walk in my neighborhood. Due to work meetings, I had to shift my normal morning routine. For example, I am writing this post at 2 pm PST— when I prefer to write earlier in the day. I haven’t done yoga or finished my work. (Two projects are due today.) And yet…and yet…I’m cool as the underside of the pillow. It’s unusual. I’m typically in a frantic rush to appease all the voices. But not today, not right now.

(Correspondingly, I do not feel the need to make this post a certain length. I love that too.)

Nik Curfman 2/17/21 Nik Curfman 2/17/21

Journal: #208 Face The Wall PT 2

I think the only true aim in life is to pursue the Lord and love those around us. The rest is up to Him. My task is to love myself so powerfully I shut all the voices, especially the ones in my head.

In part one of Face the Wall, I wrote about my need to face said wall as a means of mental and emotional survival. Most of my life, like Taylor Swift, I’ve relied on the praise and input of others. I was high when the words flowed in my favor, and depressed when they did not. The most discouraging reality is the harshest voice are in my head. No one judges me harder than I do, and it’s gotta stop.

In a few areas of my life I am as wise and patient as I’ve ever been. I’m physically healthier than at any point in my adult life. I am paying down my debt while sowing more into my investments. And, my bond with Jesus it growing everyday.

And yet, in others I still feel like a child at the back of the line. My writing can be drab and lifeless, my drawings like that of a teenager. Most of the time I do not worry about being single, which means on some days I do. I have goals and dreams, but they seem oceans away.

At 40, I now understand what faith is. I could continue to judge myself and settle for less. I could believe my past will prophesy my future, but I won’t. I choose to trust the Lord to lead me. I choose to believe He is my bridge from moments of doubt to the moment of promise. He is my shepherd and guide. I do not lack.

I don’t know where my life is headed. I do know I need to persevere. To do that, I’ve got to stop listening to the judges and start listening to the Lord. When I write I write to Him. When I draw, I draw for Him. It’s up the Holy Spirit as to what happens next.

The other day, as I contemplated this season of my life, I thought about so my heroes. I thought about St Paul, St Patrick, and a few others. Paul spent 9-10 years preparing to be a missionary after his conversion. St Patrick spent 25 years between his escape from Ireland to his return as Bishop of Ireland. Then there’s Vincent Van Gogh. He only sold a handful of paintings while he was alive. The number of paintings he sold is disputed, but his genius was only recognized after his death.

The point is most people who do anything worth a damn have a preparation period AND the grit to keep hacking when others relent. Paul was an ambitious Type A dude. I guarantee he was impatient while he sat under feeble-minded Peter. St Patrick certainly took his sweet ass time getting back to Ireland. And every human on the planet would be poorer had Van Gogh decided to turn in his paint brushes when critics dismissed his thick paint and heavy brushstrokes.

I want to be somebody worth a damn, and do things worth doing. Yet, I don’t think that can be the goal. All of the men listed above are more well-known in death than they were in life. In their time: Paul was a zealot spreading a new cult from Palestine, St Patrick was an idiot trying to evangelize an outpost of the Roman empire, and Van Gogh who took up painting after he failed at everything else (including preacher.)

I think the only true aim in life is to pursue the Lord and love those around us. The rest is up to Him. My task is to love myself so powerfully I shut all the voices, especially the ones in my head.

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Nik Curfman 12/21/20 Nik Curfman 12/21/20

Journal: #154 A Judge No More

Most importantly, judgment is not love. Love hopes and forgives. Judgement can turn off the flow of love, and forces people to jump over mountains they didn’t know existed. Ultimately, judgement is a manifest form of fear- a need to separate what we consider a threat from non-threat. It is the tactic of the all evil.

Lately, I’ve tried to stop myself when I noticed I’m being a judgmental prick. It’s easy to do. I think of something or someone and declared that thing or person good or bad, or in need of improvement. And yes, I want to stop doing it.

Scripture Says Silly Stuff

Two scriptures keep bubbling up in my mind. The first is rarely recited from a pulpit but it’s of direct quote from Jesus in the Gospel of John:

“You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone.”
John 8:15

This is consistent with John 3:17 which says Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world, but save it. Which I think means Jesus is not a judgmental dick, pronouncing us good or bad. He’s the author and finisher of out faith, with hope eternal. And that hope is for every single person alive no matter how wicked they act.

The other scripture is from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. He’s a bit defiant, but we see a similar tone of the one set by Jesus:

“But to me it is an insignificant matter that I would be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself.”
1 Corinthians 4:3

The word examine used by Paul here is the same word as judge used by Jesus (krino.) So if Jesus doesn’t judge, and Paul says he doesn’t judge….then what are we doing?

Yes, Sin is Sin

To be clear, I’m not talking about tolerating every stupid or harmful act. Destructive behavior is destructive behavior. Asking a smoker to smoke outside isn’t a judgment on their soul. What I’m getting at is my habitual nature to pronounce a person good or bad. Again, behavior is another issue.

But…Judgement is not Love

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Lord, teach me to speak love and grace into life over people and situations. I lay down my need and desire to judge people and things. It’s a waste of time and limits Your goodness in my life. Thank you for exposing this hole in my mind. Please fill it with your grace and peace.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/21/20 Nik Curfman 11/21/20

Journal: #124 Tired of Judgment

I once heard a pastor say, “If someone doesn’t like me that’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I’m awesome.” I thought he was being a jackass when he said it, but now I get it. I tell myself I’m awesome and amazing. For a second or two, I believe it. My it’s not my reality. I do not live in a constant state of self-approval and affirmation. But, maybe I could?

Today on the trail was a long time coming. As I turned the last corner to head back to my car I let it slip, “Lord, I’m tired of judgment. I’m tired of feeling judged and of judging others. Forgive me.” Those three simple sentences let loose a torrent of bound emotion, snot, and tears. My need to declare what is valuable and worthy was a stone around my heart. I doubled over in relief as the burden slide off my soul.

I don’t know when I started to feel judged or started to judge others. It’s an unimportant fact. All I know is I’ve decided who is worthy and unworthy as long as I can remember. I could blame my parents or the culture as the origin of my pain, but what use is that? I am a grown ass man, and I don’t need to protect my ego. I’m here, in the this moment. I am responsible of Nik. I get to love myself without condemning anyone else.

I Am Who I Am

Today’s glory moment began innocently enough. While on my afternoon stroll, I thought about investment strategies. Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in the stock market, options, and day trading. That whole world intrigues me. It’s an interest I’ve maintained, which is a signal to me. I need to scratch this itch.

What I love about stock trading isn’t the fantasy of instant riches, rather the intellectual disciplined required to “beat the market.” There’s something to being a successful trader that pricks my mental capacity and challenges my inner competitor. It’s a game, and I love to compete.

Halfway through my walk, I was triggered into a shame spiral. (I’ll spare you the details.) In a matter of minutes, I started to judge myself and my interest in the stock market. And, I hated myself for it. Why can’t I be good enough for myself? I don’t need the people around me to love what I love, but I do need them to love me. No matter what. Isn’t that what’s important?

I’m tired of trying to be what I think other people want me to be. How dare I let another person judge me and my interests? It’s my responsibility to guard my heart and mind, so I don’t blame anyone. I’ve been judged my whole life and it won’t stop. People are imperfect and will continue to be.

My goal is keep my heart judgment free.

It Starts With Me

Rejection is my bitter pill. It’s hard for me to swallow, and yet it’s pill I often give myself. Today in the woods was a perfect example of self-rejection. I wonder if there is a place where I can fully accept me, without judgment or shame. I think it’s possible, but I’m not certain. I assume the more self-love I discover- the more grace and patience I aim at my soul- the tougher the skin around my heart will grow.

I’ve got to try, I believe. More to the point, I’ve got to remain firm in dedication to believe what the Lord says about me. No human can judge me unworthy of love or respect, including me. I can’t judge myself or punish myself because I feel unworthy. Correspondingly, I want to extend grace, kindness, and patience to everyone I know and meet.

I can control what I can control. I will continue to take time to love and care for myself, especially when the voice of judgement comes calling.

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Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

DJ: #82 Rebounding from Shame

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am suppose to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

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Some thought processes and emotional hurdles are buried deep in my being. For example, anger was more easily dumped than judgment. Anger is a process, and I can stop that train at the moment I realize I’m on its tracks. But judgment? Judgment happens in a slim second. It’s effortless, but no less damaging.

Culturally speaking, anger is mostly frowned upon. Anger is the emotion of cavemen and the immature. Refined men don’t get angry. Healthy Christians are above it, supposedly. I don’t wrestle with its place in my life.

But judgement? That’s a different beast. We are proud of our judgments- our preferences, opinions, and view points. We are taught to be judgmental. Modern technology practically begs for our thoughts and opinions: Yelp, Google Reviews, any comment section, Uber driver ratings, Twitter, blogs, etc. And yet…my dude Paul wrote, “I don't care to be judged by you, I don’t judge myself.” Of all the my scripture reading this year, that one stands out. Where TF did that come from?

I, Nicklaus, judge myself. I judge my productivity, the quality and depth of my relationships, and just about damn near everything else in my life. As I discussed in my previous blog, this judgment is not of the Lord. It’s not of His nature or Spirit.

Despite this tendency, I refuse to accept this mentality. Life doesn’t need to be an intense experience. The prize in my war with judgement is joy (and relaxation.)

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am required to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

As always, the Lord is good to me, and proud of me. He doesn’t measure my life (or any life) the way I do. If I can learn to love I can learn to let go of fantasies of a person I am supposed to be. Truth is I rock. I f-cking amazing. Imperfect, but amazing.

Lord, I let go of comparison and judgment. I accept life as it comes and Your will in my life. I love myself, and I forgive myself.

Amen.