Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/18/21 Nik Curfman 2/18/21

Journal: #209 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 4

The difference is Mike believes in himself in way I couldn’t understand- until recently. He believed he could be successful at something despite a huge failure. I find it utterly amazing. That’s what I want for my life. No failure is too great if I keep moving.

Last year, I failed. I had want I wanted. She didn’t want me. So, I’m gonna be like Mike. I’m gonna keep trucking, and believe in who the Lord created me to be.

This is the fourth and final installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break last this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off. Part 3 is the tale of Willie, his divorce, and faith in the Lord.

When Mike married Janet it was a glorious spring afternoon. The real highlight was the surprise/drunk bagpipe player hired to play amazing grace for the ceremony. Mike and Janet were solid through all types of adversity. And, then they weren’t.

College Sweethearts

I met Mike twenty years ago at his house just before he married Janet. They were college sweethearts and looked the part. Mike was and remains a bit on the reserved side. He prefers to hang back while Janet bounces around every room she enters. They played music together and dreamed of touring the country.

Solid, Right?

Mike and Janet didn’t just dream of making music and touring the country. They did it. Mike produce an album while still in college. After they married, the Janet began to make appearances on following albums. The pair then started writing songs together, and produced a few more albums. In the summer of 2007, they got to do what they dreamed of doing- tour the country.

Not long after the tour Janet became pregnant with their first child, a boy. The pregnancy was hard on Janet’s narrow body. She pull through but it was a traumatizing moment. Mike supported Janet the way you’d think a husband should. They even let several needy friends crash in their spare room for a bit.

Mike and Janet remained a strong couple in my community. They hosted parties and held people accountable. Their door was always open, and MySpace proved they lacked for nothing. Their music never hit the charts, but they seemed fine with it. Life is more than music.

Child No. 2

In a way, Mike and Janet’s daughter was a miracle. Mike and Janet did not plan to have a second child based on their experience with the first. They put several measures in place to ensure Janet would not become pregnant. (Their daughter is proof no birth control is 100% affective.)

The pregnancy was not the hurdle the second time around. The developing baby girl had a heart defect, which would require surgery with days of birth. Most children are born with great joy. Their daughter was not. Two days later she had open heart surgery, then again a few months later. I lost count how many she had in total, but it was a lot.

I Don’t Know What Happened

I can’t say what cracked Mike and Janet. I know every couple struggles at some point and weaknesses. The head-scratcher is Mike and Janet were often vulnerable about the difficulties and hurdles they face. I thought they were one of the healthy couples. I thought they’d make it. I should’ve notice when they “took a break” from playing music. Something was off.

They’ll Work It? No, They Will Not

Mike and Janet separated around the same time Willie and Amy did. Along with my personal issues, my community was falling apart. (Willie and Amy were never the solid couple Mike and Janet were.) I somewhat expected Willie and Amy to divorce, but not Mike and Janet. I thought they’d find their way back to each other.

They did not.

Since it’s mostly rumors and one-sided stories (from Mike), I will forgo details. It’s my view they both gave up, and likely for different reasons. I knew it was over when Mike began to openly expressed his anger at Janet, and when Janet posted “You gotta grow up sometime” to Facebook. Whatever happened, they did not want to stay married to each other.

Mike Moves On

After the divorce, Mike didn’t take long to move on. I don’t think he was looking for his next wife, but he found Lydia on a dance floor in the NoDa neighborhood of north Charlotte. She is kind and quiet like Mike. I always get a kick out of the fact that she kinda looks like Janet, but that’s where the similarities end.

Lydia is a hero is my book. She started dating Mike during a nasty divorce, and became an all-star stepmother to his two kids. She accepted and loves Mike for who is. For me, it was good to see. I needed to see a woman love an imperfect man the way she did.

Mike Just Keeps Being Mike

What I love and admire about Mike is he who is. He’s always been a bit quiet. He’s always written and played music. I hope he never stops. It’s who he is. I’m sure some part of him would love to make money playing music, but he hasn’t let a lack of commercial success stop him. I am still struggling to get started doing what I love. Mike never stopped. Even in the middle his divorce he put out one of the most honest and raw albums I’ve ever heard.

A God of Redemption

I choose to believe most people mean “I do” the day they get married. So I can’t imagine the heartbreak of a divorce. I can’t imagine what it’s like to build a life, to overcome so much adversity the way Mike and Janet did, only to throw in the towel. Some part of me feels like it’s a waste. Didn’t they love each other? Yes. I think they did.

Last year taught me love isn’t enough. Marriage require something more, call it grit, fight, or stubbornness. I think at some point Mike and Janet ran out of juice. They were empty, and it’s a bad place to be when life slaps at our face. We all need Jesus at our center. We need His word in our heart. The other person should never have to lift that burden.

Where I find encouragement in Mike’s story is he kept trucking. At at time when I questioned marriage he got married, had kids, got divorced, and remarried. On some level, that’s faith in the Holy Spirit. I can barely date someone new years after a break up, and this dude is out there getting remarried? Maybe, I’m wrong.

Last year, I failed. I had want I wanted. She didn’t want me. So, I’m gonna be like Mike. I’m gonna keep trucking, and believe in who the Lord created me to be.

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Nik Curfman 1/28/21 Nik Curfman 1/28/21

Journal: #189 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 3

Willie is a sexy man. I write this without shame or hesitation. He’s athletic, charming, and possesses a strong jawline. I like to watch heads turn whenever he walks through a crowd of people. In another life, he could’ve been a male model after his soccer career.

This is the third installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off.

Dating is an introduction. It’s often misleading. No amount of dating can prepare someone for marriage. This next narrative is rough and heart-breaking, but ultimately ends in redemption. Part 3 is the story of Willie.

Willie Is That Dude

What I love about the attention he receives is Willie doesn’t care about his affect on women. He loves Jesus with all his heart, and decided to spend his life pointing the youth and young adults to the Lord. I first met Willie in a laundry room of a working class apartment complex. He was teaching Bible verses to the kids assembled there.

Willie Meets Amy

Willie met Amy at friend’s house. After a few group hangs, they began to date. By all accounts, it was a great match. He was a dashing young minister, and she a beautiful budding artist. They were married about 18 months after they started dating.

(Before I go on I want to say something. The rest of the tale of Willie and Amy is ugly, and I experienced Willie’s side of it. Every marriage and relationship involves two people. Two people have issues. Two people contribute to disfunction. The only path to stay together is when two people decided to commit to their marriage and find answers to the problems that plague them.)

No Happy ever After

According to Willie, his marriage encountered its first major hurdles on their honeymoon. Like good church folk, they smiled in public while trying to work it out in the dark. They tried counseling and read books. Nothing working. No magic key existed.

Their Hail Mary came in the form of their daughter Madison. In truth, when they had Madison, the situation only worsened. Willie tried to soothe his shame by ministering more than ever, went to counseling twice a week, and prayed every prayer possible to keep his marriage alive.

At this point in the story, I’m not sure what effort Amy made to save her marriage. I do know via social media she stopped using her married name long before the divorce was finalized. In my mind, she gave up.

From Bad to Worse

To add insult to injury, Amy filed emergency paperwork to have the courts consider Willie an unfit parent. She said he was abusive and a drunk. The court filings said his friends were alcoholics. Though not named, I was one of those people. I was not an alcoholic, but, that’s not the real travesty.

No one who spent five minutes with Willie and his daughter Madison would question their bond, his love for her, or his devotion to her safety and well-being. Amy used the courts to stick it to Willie in the worst possible ways. The marriage burned to the ground, but don’t take his daughter away. It took me years to forgive her for it.

Is Marriage Really Worth It?

At the same time Willie and Amy were suffering through the end of a difficult marriage, I was struggling too. I reeled from an abusive relationship and questioned why anyone would get married. The price appeared to be too high and rewards too slight. I didn’t have the ability to believe in the goodness of God. The lack of healthy marriages around me didn’t help.

Willie The Gracious

After the divorce, Willie suffered. He had to fight legal battle after legal battle. He was forced to step down from a leadership position at an NGO, learned to code, and continued therapy.

Despite all of it, he kept his faith in the Lord. At one of the lowest points in his journey through this hell, he said something I’ll never forget. During a custody hearing, a witness for his ex-wife took the stand and lied. A lot. Willie was angry, and knew enough about the witness to destroy her credibility to the judge. All he needed to do was lean over, whisper the sins of the witness to his lawyer, and let him pick this woman apart.

When I asked Willie why he didn’t do it, he said the words forever etched into my mind. “I didn’t want to win that way. I didn’t want to win by ruining someone’s life. It might take longer, but I trust the Lord to defend me.” I was floored. In the middle of a nasty custody battle, with the ashes of his marriage still on his heart, Willie had the grace to love his enemy.

Trusting the Lord: Faith

As the next year unfolded, Willie won small custody battles, began to minister again, and met Laura.

It was only about a year from the time they met until when they got married on a chilly Tennessee evening. In my mind, they married fast- Willie and Laura. I wondered if Willie acted hastily. The reports I got about Laura said she was sheltered woman who rarely dated. Perhaps like Amy, she idolized Willie.

I’ve never been more happy to be wrong. Laura is a human, which means she has flaws. In more Biblical terms, she is a blessing and the partner Willie needed. They minister as a team, and have similar vision for their lives. More importantly, they love each other. Willie and Laura face challenges instead of run from them.

A God of Redemption

As an observer of Willie’s life, I’m amazed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in his life. He said his forever “I do” to Amy, and believed his word was true. No one at that wedding envisioned the the struggle ahead, the contentious divorce, or horrid custody battle. In the aftermath, I couldn’t see how he’d move forward from the devastation. I’m not sure Willie did either.

What he had, and still has, is constant connection to the Holy Spirit. His heart broke. I was there. I saw it. But, he stood tall in the Spirit. He trusts the Lord to bring him better days when life sucks, and I’m blessed to be a witness.

I Trust the Lord, Not an Outcome

Last year, I thought I found my forever woman, but I was the only one. The breakup crushed my heart, and it’s still tough for me to imagine something better. That’s why I’m thankful I have Willie as an example in my life. I refuse to be motivated by anger. Instead, I want to lean into the Lord, and trust Him to bring me to someone better. Whoever she is.

Lord…thank you for Willie, Laura, and even Amy. I’m grateful to watch how you redeem the broken and heal our hearts. I’ve seen your grace and gentle glory rest on my friends. Thank you. Thank you for hearing my prayers for Willie to bring him someone like Laura. Thank you that she’s any amazing wife to him. Bless them both.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/15/20 Nik Curfman 12/15/20

Journal: #148 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 2

What I love about Phil’s story is his patience. He didn’t rush the groove, because Lord knows he did not lack opportunity. On the other side, I know people who did rushed into marriage, and they suffered the consequences of impatience.

This is the second installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together.

Dating isn’t easy. There’s no perfect person. But, God is good. Take heart. Part 2 is the story of Phil, my Australian brother.

As we shuffled into the elevator, Phil turned to me and in a playfully serious tone said,”Be prepared. Emma isn’t like anyone I’ve ever dated.” In the 13 years we knew each other, Phil rarely prepared me to meet one of his girlfriends. They came and went, and most of the time I didn’t know their names. For whatever reason Emma was unique, and Phil wanted me to meet her.

Phil Is The Man

Phil is a man’s man, a Hemingway character come to life. He’s from Oz (the aforementioned Australia), climbs mountains, drinks like a sailor, and oozes confidence. He knows karate and speaks his mind. And as if he needed it, the accent made him irresistible to the ladies.

I met Phil in the summer of 2003, and instantly felt inferior. He was everything I wasn’t but wanted to be. My life seemed to be falling apart at every turn, and he never lost he cool. In truth, Phil face as much or more adversity as I did during those days. He just knew how to navigate it.

We met because I took an internship at his school. I’m thankful I was given the opportunity to work for Phil. He’s one of those people God used to flip my life from one path to another. He showed me what grace looks like- when one person allows another to be imperfect. Through Phil, the Lord began to build in me the concept of love we know as agape love. It is deep, and doesn’t need emotion to endure.

I don’t know where I’d be without my friend Phil.

The Dating and Waiting

Like I mentioned earlier, Phil rarely talked about his lady friends. His dating pattern was consistent, date and move on to the next. Before Emma, I recall one serious interest: Becca. They seemed to be a good fit. They both loved being outside, and she could handle his bravado. The only problem was she didn’t want him.

At the time when Becca said no to Phil, he was 35. I know what that feels like. Rejected at 25 sucks, but you pick yourself up. At 35, it’s natural to wonder “is this gonna happen for me.” I’m sure Phil had those thoughts. It’s tempting to get desperate. Phil didn’t.

He met Emma 10 years later.

Emma Is Different

Unlike Bob and Kelly, I would not have put Phil and Emma together. She’s from Texas, neat, orderly, and believes in etiquette. Her politics are on the right side of center while Phil maintains his more socialistic Aussie values. And, she’s a bit younger than him…by 15 years. Despite all of it, they are perfect together.

I want to clarify. They are not perfect, but they are meant for each other. Who could’ve seen it coming? I didn’t. Phil didn’t. When Becca rejected Phil, Emma was a teenager. Yet, this is God’s goodness too.

Weird Encouragement

When I start to sink under the weight of dating self-pity, I think about Phil. Even before he met Emma, I’d think “Phil is nine years older than me. I can make it too.” Now that he’s married I still take comfort in the knowledge a man as awesome as Phil was single into his late 40’s. (Sh*t, I’ve known lesser men to who were married, divorced, and remarried before Phil made it to the alter.)

The True Lesson

The tricky part is what we label as patience. Sometimes we call fear patience. We pass on something good because we are broken and afraid to fail. But, when our heart is united with His we let go of anxiety and pain. What that looks like can be getting married at 18 or 45.

The biggest open secret in the Universe is this: When we let go of control and let the Lord lead, our lives with twist and churn, and are greater than we could plan. Following the Lord, running after His best, isn’t a formula. It’s a relationship based on trust and faith.

Be like Phil. Follow the Lord. Let Him lead. Stay patient. He’s got your back.

Lord, thank you for Phil. His influence in my life is without equal. Thank you for rewarding his trust and patience in You. And thank you for allowing me to see it.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/1/20 Nik Curfman 12/1/20

Journal: #134 Not My Story PT. I

When I think about my story I take comfort in Bob’s journey to Kelly. His path included some unhealthy relationships, some false starts, and a broken heart. He overcame shame and despair to get to her, and I’m beyond proud of him.

At the age of 40 and as each year passes, my desire to find a good lady and start a family grows. I want a friend, a partner, and life long companion. It follows I am officially tired of being single. It’s a rather new state of being for me. In late 2015, as I stood (alone) in awe of the Redwoods, I first felt the pure desire for a wife. I was 35.

Early this year, I thought I had her, the one. I felt ready. And the breakup hit me the hardest of any so far. I wanted her, despite all problems and flaws in our relationship. Such is life. I’m too old and too wise to self destruct this time. I know I did my best, and I’ll do better with the next girlfriend.

I had a true battle for my wits last Sunday, and I wrote about in the Intro to this series. My way out of self-pity and hopelessness starts with gratitude and grace. Sunday, as I began to thank God for my friends, I remembered Bob, Kyle, Mitch, and Nixon. I thought about their roads to marriage. It gave me joy to know each of them has fought and won their personal wars to get to the alter.

This is the story of Bob.

Fast Friends

I met Bob on fall afternoon in Charlotte, North Carolina. My sister invited him our bon fire, and I’m thankful she did. He was lanky with thin brown hair and a six pack of Miller High Life tucked under his arm. He laughed easy and was confident without being a chode. That day, Bob and I became instant friends.

Over the last 15 years, I watched him date a number of different woman and turn down many more. He’s loaded with southern charm and great smile, so he had to swat them away. I admired how easy he made it look with women.

2010: The Beginning of Hell

In early 2010, Bob and I leased a small house in the south Charlotte. The next four years were some of the most difficult of my life, his life too. We both ended up in therapy and pushed the limits of self-destructive behaviors. In many ways, our lives mirrored each other. We both dated a bit, got into an unhealthy relationships, then self medicated with cigarettes, porn, and booze.

We both hit that hopeless point many immature people do. It’s the place when life beats you down after everyone else makes it look easy. To make matters worse, our community began to fall apart. Married couples began to divorce, cancer took a father of four young children, drug addiction took another.

When you’ve failed, when your community has failed, when the couples who didn’t divorce seem to hate each other, marriage isn’t a blessing. It appeared to be a death sentence to be avoided. Bob and I openly asked “why would anyone get married? What’s good about it?”

God is Always Moving

Fortunately, the Lord is good and has plans for us. I moved to Redding in 2014, and Bob got a one-bedroom brick apartment near swanky South End. I found a place to breath and relax, and Bob began to date a new lady. It was the first time either of us dated in three years.

Megan

Bob dated Megan for over a year, and started to get serious about his future with her. He left his secure company job to go into contract work. The freedom allowed him to move to a new city, the city where Megan lived. Just a month before the big move, she pulled the plug. Bob was devastated.

He loved Megan. He wanted to marry her and have children with her, and put action behind his words of devotion. And she said “no, not you.” I hated her for it. I believe my official response to Bob when he texted me was “she f*cked up.”

It was a real kick to the nads for Bob. He’s a great guy and would’ve been a great husband. He overcame a lot of insecurity, doubt, and shame to date Megan. He fought through triggers and fears, and she said no. To make matters worse, Megan reunited with her an ex-boyfriend and married within a year. Double kick to the nads.

Other Failures

The years that followed were an uneven mix of success and disappointment. It was successful because Bob continued to fight his fears and triggers. And, it was disappointing because that’s what internet/app dating is. (Certainly, some people find success on the dating apps. I was officiant of one such wedding.)

During this time, Bob refined what he knew he wanted and what he needed in a relationship. Then in the summer of 2018 he was given the number of an artist in her early 30’s. Bob waited a month before he did anything with it. Instead, he did what we do in the age of the internet. He stalked her social media to get a feel for who this woman is. Then, on a whim, Bob went to her art show.

Kelly Is The One

She didn’t know he was coming, but Kelly was still nervous when she saw him for the first time. (Because, yes, Kelly stalked Bob’s social media too.) Bob was his normal charming self. He engaged with Kelly and her friends, exchanging jokes and stories. Before he left, Bob threw out an invitation to the group to come to his improv show. Kelly wanted a personal invite. To her satisfaction, just before Bob walked out the door, she got one.

From the start, I knew Kelly was different. Even though Bob battled shame triggers and his past, he continued to date Kelly. They have the same kind of quirks and grace in life. They laugh at the same jokes and love to eat good food. Bob found what he was looking for, and Kelly did too.

In the grand scheme of things, Bob and Kelly didn’t date long before they were engaged and got married. It was about 15 months in total.

I am still in a bit of shock, even as I type these words. She’s so amazing and good for Bob. I genuinely liked some of Bob’s previous girlfriends, most of them are good people. But…I love Kelly. She’s everything I wanted for Bob and I’ll do whatever a friend can do to make sure they succeed.

My heart was crushed earlier this year, by a great woman. And, I know I will survive. I choose to believe I will find my Kelly. The path to my wife just got more interesting, and I will trust the Lord to bring me His best. I think it’s called faith. Fear is not an option.

Lord, thank you for Bob and his friendship. I love that guy as much as I could love anyone. I’m so grateful he found Kelly. Bless their socks off and pour out your love and joy on their lives.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/29/20 Nik Curfman 11/29/20

Journal: #132 Not My Story Intro

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

One of my most annoying tendencies is to hang onto pain and rejection. I wish I was that guy who could break up with someone and move on, but it’s not my history. This morning I stood in forest and shook my fists in frustration. Why am I like this? Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

My dating history is full of rejection. In almost every relationship of my life, I was dumped. When I look back on what I did wrong and what I can change, I have obvious errors and areas of improvement. Regardless, I was never a bad boyfriend. I loved without regret and wanted the best for each lady. So why do I keep being rejected?

What Do I Want?

I want a confident woman and refuse to define someone. I have and continue to ask “what do you want?” I ask that question because I do not accept the trope that women are lesser humans who “need a man.” And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for emotional intelligence and brave communication. Women are not victims even though we live in a world that allows them to be.

I aspire to be a powerful man, and I want to partner with a powerful woman. I want a lady who will challenge me and back me up, because that’s what I plan to be for her. There’s nothing less sexy than the words “I don’t know.” (To be gracious, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer on occasion, but not as a way of life. People who perpetually don’t know what they want don’t know who they are, or they are afraid to be who they are.)

Recent History

The frustrating truth about my last girlfriend is she showed glimpses of being a powerful woman. I knew I wanted to date her the day she told me I was wrong about an issue at work. It was awesome, because she was right. I loved that she used her voice and insight to speak into the inner workings of complex business relationships.

By the end of our relationship she was riddle with anxiety, so a breakup was the best move. She seemed determine to prove me wrong about how special I think she is. Painfully, I admitted she needed space to level out and find her center in Jesus. When she came to break up with me, I let her go without a fight. I still consider her a friend, and pray for blessings on her life.

We broke up six months ago, and most of the time I have my heart and mind looking forward. Yet, part of me still hangs onto to her, to who she is, despite the heart ache. In those moment, I engage my new weapons in the fight with rejection and fear: questions and gratitude.

What’s true? It’s not her or nobody? You don’t know the future. You want a woman who wants you.

Gratitude Is A Weapon

After I thought about Bob and Nixon, I thought about Kyle and Mitch. Each of these men have a unique marriage story. All of them faced failure and rejection, and all of them are in healthy, functional marriages. I’m happy for and proud of each man.

Most importantly, I’m glad the Holy Spirit shifted my vision as I struggle with my journey toward marriage. Gratitude opens doors to see paths hidden by shame. My dating history is not my story, just part of it. Over the coming week I will detail the story of each man and where I find encouragement in it. For anyone looking for stories of redemption, grace, and the kindness of God, stay tuned.

Happy Sunday.

*For the sake of this series, I changed their names and will omit a few details. My intent is to tell my story which includes the stories of others. I have no desire to expose or use anyone.