Journal: #189 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 3

Daily Journal

Jan 28

This is the third installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off.

Dating is an introduction. It’s often misleading. No amount of dating can prepare someone for marriage. This next narrative is rough and heart-breaking, but ultimately ends in redemption. Part 3 is the story of Willie.

Willie Is That Dude

Willie is a sexy man. I write this without shame or hesitation. He’s athletic, charming, and possesses a strong jawline. I like to watch heads turn whenever he walks through a crowd of people. In another life, he could’ve been a male model after his soccer career.

What I love about the attention he receives is Willie doesn’t care about his affect on women. He loves Jesus with all his heart, and decided to spend his life pointing the youth and young adults to the Lord. I first met Willie in a laundry room of a working class apartment complex. He was teaching Bible verses to the kids assembled there.

Willie Meets Amy

Willie met Amy at friend’s house. After a few group hangs, they began to date. By all accounts, it was a great match. He was a dashing young minister, and she a beautiful budding artist. They were married about 18 months after they started dating.

(Before I go on I want to say something. The rest of the tale of Willie and Amy is ugly, and I experienced Willie’s side of it. Every marriage and relationship involves two people. Two people have issues. Two people contribute to disfunction. The only path to stay together is when two people decided to commit to their marriage and find answers to the problems that plague them.)

No Happy ever After

According to Willie, his marriage encountered its first major hurdles on their honeymoon. Like good church folk, they smiled in public while trying to work it out in the dark. They tried counseling and read books. Nothing working. No magic key existed.

Their Hail Mary came in the form of their daughter Madison. In truth, when they had Madison, the situation only worsened. Willie tried to soothe his shame by ministering more than ever, went to counseling twice a week, and prayed every prayer possible to keep his marriage alive.

At this point in the story, I’m not sure what effort Amy made to save her marriage. I do know via social media she stopped using her married name long before the divorce was finalized. In my mind, she gave up.

From Bad to Worse

To add insult to injury, Amy filed emergency paperwork to have the courts consider Willie an unfit parent. She said he was abusive and a drunk. The court filings said his friends were alcoholics. Though not named, I was one of those people. I was not an alcoholic, but, that’s not the real travesty.

No one who spent five minutes with Willie and his daughter Madison would question their bond, his love for her, or his devotion to her safety and well-being. Amy used the courts to stick it to Willie in the worst possible ways. The marriage burned to the ground, but don’t take his daughter away. It took me years to forgive her for it.

Is Marriage Really Worth It?

At the same time Willie and Amy were suffering through the end of a difficult marriage, I was struggling too. I reeled from an abusive relationship and questioned why anyone would get married. The price appeared to be too high and rewards too slight. I didn’t have the ability to believe in the goodness of God. The lack of healthy marriages around me didn’t help.

Willie The Gracious

After the divorce, Willie suffered. He had to fight legal battle after legal battle. He was forced to step down from a leadership position at an NGO, learned to code, and continued therapy.

Despite all of it, he kept his faith in the Lord. At one of the lowest points in his journey through this hell, he said something I’ll never forget. During a custody hearing, a witness for his ex-wife took the stand and lied. A lot. Willie was angry, and knew enough about the witness to destroy her credibility to the judge. All he needed to do was lean over, whisper the sins of the witness to his lawyer, and let him pick this woman apart.

When I asked Willie why he didn’t do it, he said the words forever etched into my mind. “I didn’t want to win that way. I didn’t want to win by ruining someone’s life. It might take longer, but I trust the Lord to defend me.” I was floored. In the middle of a nasty custody battle, with the ashes of his marriage still on his heart, Willie had the grace to love his enemy.

Trusting the Lord: Faith

As the next year unfolded, Willie won small custody battles, began to minister again, and met Laura.

It was only about a year from the time they met until when they got married on a chilly Tennessee evening. In my mind, they married fast- Willie and Laura. I wondered if Willie acted hastily. The reports I got about Laura said she was sheltered woman who rarely dated. Perhaps like Amy, she idolized Willie.

I’ve never been more happy to be wrong. Laura is a human, which means she has flaws. In more Biblical terms, she is a blessing and the partner Willie needed. They minister as a team, and have similar vision for their lives. More importantly, they love each other. Willie and Laura face challenges instead of run from them.

A God of Redemption

As an observer of Willie’s life, I’m amazed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in his life. He said his forever “I do” to Amy, and believed his word was true. No one at that wedding envisioned the the struggle ahead, the contentious divorce, or horrid custody battle. In the aftermath, I couldn’t see how he’d move forward from the devastation. I’m not sure Willie did either.

What he had, and still has, is constant connection to the Holy Spirit. His heart broke. I was there. I saw it. But, he stood tall in the Spirit. He trusts the Lord to bring him better days when life sucks, and I’m blessed to be a witness.

I Trust the Lord, Not an Outcome

Last year, I thought I found my forever woman, but I was the only one. The breakup crushed my heart, and it’s still tough for me to imagine something better. That’s why I’m thankful I have Willie as an example in my life. I refuse to be motivated by anger. Instead, I want to lean into the Lord, and trust Him to bring me to someone better. Whoever she is.

Lord…thank you for Willie, Laura, and even Amy. I’m grateful to watch how you redeem the broken and heal our hearts. I’ve seen your grace and gentle glory rest on my friends. Thank you. Thank you for hearing my prayers for Willie to bring him someone like Laura. Thank you that she’s any amazing wife to him. Bless them both.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com