Journal: #190 A Hard Week Leads To Clarity of Purpose
I woke up in a tired daze this morning, mostly because I haven’t slept well in over a week. I’ve felt locked in a mental and emotional battle to stay above the self-pity and judgements. At times like this I tend to feel like I’m failing and distant from the Lord. Neither is true.
As I rolled out of bed and put my feet on the carpet below, I started to cry. Lord, I feel lost. Instantly He responded,”No, you aren’t. You are not in the fog. You know what you want.”
My instinct was to grab my journal and write down everything I want, the so-called desires of my heart. In fury of pen strokes, I listed everything I discovered about myself over the last eight months. It’s a new list compared to any other list I’ve ever written. I felt a peace and purpose as I wrote.
When I finished, I asked the same question I always ask when I allow myself to dream my dreams. Is this good enough? Is what I want going to be interesting enough for a wife? Countless times in my past in similar moments, I failed myself.
Today, as I scribbled down my what I want and insecurity nagged at my mind, I saw my future. I know my path. As I write this blog, I have no idea how to fulfill my goals and serve my heart. I don’t have to. I just need faith and courage to take a step closer each day.
Did I do that today? Did I take a step close to my dreams? Did I love myself? Yes. I did. This morning, I responded to the Lord. I wrote down what He’s showed me, and I embraced it. I feel like it’s a big deal, even though today was an ordinary day.
Thank you Lord for the power of Your words and gentle nudges. Thank you for cutting through my roadblocks to speak to my heart.
Amen.
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