Journal: #135 Laughing & Crying

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I believe the latter months of 2020 proved to be the toughest yet. That f*cking coronavirus isn’t going away. Joe Biden will be the next President? And, my motivation took a dive. My eyes lowered from what was possible to what is, and I began to focus on looming failure and embarrassment.

Still, almost robotically, I went on walks in the forest, stuck to my diet, and wrote. Oh, I wrote. I completed my third journal of the year, and over 60 blog posts. More than that, the Lord told be to stick with Him, to keep showing up, so I did. For the first time in my life, when the clouds gathered, I didn’t run. I stood and let the darkness come.

I have a term for this given to me by the Lord over the summer: The Fog. It is a place of trust between me and the Lord, where it’s me and Him. No plans or goals, no expectations. I wrote about the Fog back in September.

This morning I am still alternating laughs with tears, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. He is not the humorless mob boss sitting in the corner, stroking His mustache. He’s the goofy, big-eared kid who doesn’t give a flying-f-ck what anyone else thinks about Him, the Eternal Optimist, the Forever Patient, the Always Kind, the Giver of the Best Gifts, the Relentless Hunter.

The Comic. The Jokester. The Creator of Comedy and Infinite Joy.

This morning I felt the weight of the world on my chest as I walked up the hill from my apartment. Tears ran down my face as I prayed. What happened, and why am I worried about everyone? For starters, I began to take responsibility for other people and their outcomes. That’s a deep hole of despair if unchecked. Then I dug a little deeper. Why did I want a plan? A goal? Something monumental to point at? Oh, that’s right. I’m afraid to date a woman with my current answer: I want to love people. What kind of a plan is that?

When I remind myself what my calling is- to love people- I know my answer is good enough. It’s good enough for me. It’s gonna be good enough for a lady friend, or…she ain’t gonna be my lady friend very long.

I walked a little further, and turned down a side street where retired folks live in mobile homes. Some of them have put out Christmas lights, and most have a dog or two. Although I felt lighter than before, my heart remained heavy. I tried every trick I knew to give it life, but nothing worked.

In a moment of faith and frustration I demanded, “Lord, I need you to be God. Heal my heart. I can’t fix it.” Instantly, I began to laugh while I weeped. It’s a feeling I can’t explain, a mix of complex emotions, of grief and joy. This is God being who I need Him to be, present in my pain. His hands, full of life and love.

I’d like to be one of those old people, watching from the front porch. I wonder what they think about me as I laugh and cry. I hope they know the wondrous God the way I do. I hope they know He will carry them when they grow weary and need love.

It’s not the first time I laughed and cried in the same instant. I assume it won’t be the last. I want to keep walking into the fog with Him, and that means being honest and naked. It means showing Him my heart and letting Him do what only He can with it.

Thank you Lord for being my friend and amazing God. Thank for sticking to me like sap on stump. Give me grace and joy today, shower my friends with your love and kindness.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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