Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/27/21 Nik Curfman 6/27/21

Journal: #319 Calm Before The Travel Storm

If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

I took it easy this weekend— no easy feat. My mind would rather tell me what I’m not doing. Like anyone else, I have a list of items I could be doing. My list includes everything from fixing the boards on the back deck to vacuuming my car. I also have a few work-related tasks I could do. One particular customer is proving difficult to manage. I chose to not get hung up in her wash. What she needs can wait till Monday.

The main reason I decided to chill out this weekend is I will be super busy starting Wednesday. From June 30th to July 10th, I’ll be in travel mode. First, I’ll drive to Mount Hood in central Oregon. I love that area and look forward to hiking new trails. Then, like a jackass, I’ll drive home Sunday (July 4th.) I’ll have enough time to unpack, wash my clothes, and maybe catch the fireworks show. (Redding has a great show every year.) Early the next morning, I fly from Sacramento to New Orleans to visit with old friends for the week. I’ll travel over six thousand miles in ten days.

Today on my (boiling) walk, I asked the Lord to kill the judge in my head. I’m tired of the nagging and my daily dispersion of petty pronouncements. Who am I to judge others or myself? I know for a fact I am pushing myself on multiple fronts. I’m doing a good job. A weekend off is good. I’ll get back to the grind on Monday. More than any other time in my life I am pushing myself to run after what I want. It may appear meager and inconsistent, but I’m working on it. Every Monday is a fresh canvas for the week, and I treat them as such. Whatever happened— for better or worse- last week is over.

I know now, for me to be me, I’ve got to be self-motivated and disciplined. This means I decide when to put my head down, when to plow through marketing tasks, or further my trading knowledge. I can’t listen to the judge. He’s a relentless dickwad smart-ass. Nothing is good enough for him, because he’s obsessed with being cool. And of course, he’s smarter than everyone else in the room despite massive insecurity. He won’t let me relax or enjoy a lazy afternoon.

There’s a path forward through the canyons of self-judgment for me. I’m not sure what it is, but I know the Lord is good to answer my request. (Last summer I asked the Lord to reduce my sensitivity to the emotions of people around me, and He did.) If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

Nik Curfman 10/7/20 Nik Curfman 10/7/20

DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

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Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.

I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)

3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me.

I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.

It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.

Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.

As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.

Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.

Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.

Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.

Nik Curfman 9/12/20 Nik Curfman 9/12/20

DJ: #60 Two Months

I do not have a plan for this blog, no great goals. What I know is I’ve got to express myself. I’ve got to continue to release what I’ve held and give my beauty away.

Two months. I’ve written at least one blog post per day for two months. Many days, I added a poem or two. And now this blog is part of my being. I look forward to crafting an entry as much I do anything else in my life, and I think I’m starting to improve. The power of dedication grows more evident every day, week, and month I continue to sit at this keyboard and type.

Thank God.

I do not have a plan for this blog, no great goals. What I know is I’ve got to express myself. I’ve got to continue to release what I’ve held and give my beauty away. This process requires new courages. They are vulnerability and indifference, which makes honesty essential, strength too. I’ve got to be sincere and unfiltered. I can’t be either of those without the strength to post it.

At the start, I wanted people to read what I’ve written. I still do, but not as I once did. This blog is about me, so I’m not sure what kind of audience will be interested in my content beyond my friends and family. Moreover, who cares? I endeavor to walk with God, and live the life that feeds my soul. I accept what comes.

I will continue to show up and be me.

Love y’all.