Journal: #319 Calm Before The Travel Storm
I took it easy this weekend— no easy feat. My mind would rather tell me what I’m not doing. Like anyone else, I have a list of items I could be doing. My list includes everything from fixing the boards on the back deck to vacuuming my car. I also have a few work-related tasks I could do. One particular customer is proving difficult to manage. I chose to not get hung up in her wash. What she needs can wait till Monday.
The main reason I decided to chill out this weekend is I will be super busy starting Wednesday. From June 30th to July 10th, I’ll be in travel mode. First, I’ll drive to Mount Hood in central Oregon. I love that area and look forward to hiking new trails. Then, like a jackass, I’ll drive home Sunday (July 4th.) I’ll have enough time to unpack, wash my clothes, and maybe catch the fireworks show. (Redding has a great show every year.) Early the next morning, I fly from Sacramento to New Orleans to visit with old friends for the week. I’ll travel over six thousand miles in ten days.
Today on my (boiling) walk, I asked the Lord to kill the judge in my head. I’m tired of the nagging and my daily dispersion of petty pronouncements. Who am I to judge others or myself? I know for a fact I am pushing myself on multiple fronts. I’m doing a good job. A weekend off is good. I’ll get back to the grind on Monday. More than any other time in my life I am pushing myself to run after what I want. It may appear meager and inconsistent, but I’m working on it. Every Monday is a fresh canvas for the week, and I treat them as such. Whatever happened— for better or worse- last week is over.
I know now, for me to be me, I’ve got to be self-motivated and disciplined. This means I decide when to put my head down, when to plow through marketing tasks, or further my trading knowledge. I can’t listen to the judge. He’s a relentless dickwad smart-ass. Nothing is good enough for him, because he’s obsessed with being cool. And of course, he’s smarter than everyone else in the room despite massive insecurity. He won’t let me relax or enjoy a lazy afternoon.
There’s a path forward through the canyons of self-judgment for me. I’m not sure what it is, but I know the Lord is good to answer my request. (Last summer I asked the Lord to reduce my sensitivity to the emotions of people around me, and He did.) If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.
