Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/27/21 Nik Curfman 6/27/21

Journal: #319 Calm Before The Travel Storm

If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

I took it easy this weekend— no easy feat. My mind would rather tell me what I’m not doing. Like anyone else, I have a list of items I could be doing. My list includes everything from fixing the boards on the back deck to vacuuming my car. I also have a few work-related tasks I could do. One particular customer is proving difficult to manage. I chose to not get hung up in her wash. What she needs can wait till Monday.

The main reason I decided to chill out this weekend is I will be super busy starting Wednesday. From June 30th to July 10th, I’ll be in travel mode. First, I’ll drive to Mount Hood in central Oregon. I love that area and look forward to hiking new trails. Then, like a jackass, I’ll drive home Sunday (July 4th.) I’ll have enough time to unpack, wash my clothes, and maybe catch the fireworks show. (Redding has a great show every year.) Early the next morning, I fly from Sacramento to New Orleans to visit with old friends for the week. I’ll travel over six thousand miles in ten days.

Today on my (boiling) walk, I asked the Lord to kill the judge in my head. I’m tired of the nagging and my daily dispersion of petty pronouncements. Who am I to judge others or myself? I know for a fact I am pushing myself on multiple fronts. I’m doing a good job. A weekend off is good. I’ll get back to the grind on Monday. More than any other time in my life I am pushing myself to run after what I want. It may appear meager and inconsistent, but I’m working on it. Every Monday is a fresh canvas for the week, and I treat them as such. Whatever happened— for better or worse- last week is over.

I know now, for me to be me, I’ve got to be self-motivated and disciplined. This means I decide when to put my head down, when to plow through marketing tasks, or further my trading knowledge. I can’t listen to the judge. He’s a relentless dickwad smart-ass. Nothing is good enough for him, because he’s obsessed with being cool. And of course, he’s smarter than everyone else in the room despite massive insecurity. He won’t let me relax or enjoy a lazy afternoon.

There’s a path forward through the canyons of self-judgment for me. I’m not sure what it is, but I know the Lord is good to answer my request. (Last summer I asked the Lord to reduce my sensitivity to the emotions of people around me, and He did.) If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

Nik Curfman 2/5/21 Nik Curfman 2/5/21

Journal: #197 I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight

It’s a perfect way to end this imperfect day. That’s no complaint. I’m not mad at today. I’m not even mad about my deleted post. I’ll write and post it tomorrow. It’s that whatever energy I had to fight such a disappointing moment is gone. It is what it is.

I had it 80% finished, the post about my break through yesterday. It was going to be great for me to publish. And yet, technology being what it is, I hit the wrong button. 90 minutes of work and research vanished into the digital void. Just like that.

Such is life.

Today, was another slobberfest, by the way. I encountered more tears and sudden outbursts of emotion. Thank God I work from my laptop and have freedom to go for walks at any time.

I took time to enjoy the stars on my late evening stroll tonight. I thought about the the time required for the light from the closest start to reach my eyes. It’s 81,000 years. That’s a really long time. So on a day like today, I’m allowed to be disappointed and upset. Tomorrow will come, and the sun will shine.

I have no yet begun to fight.

Thank you Lord for loving me. It’s the greatest honor.

Amen.

Walk in the Woods

Journal: #319 Calm Before The Travel Storm

Journal: #197 I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight

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