Journal: #122 When Faith Feels Like Death

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I know how Abraham felt as he walked Isaac up the hill. In his hand was his promise from God, his beautiful sweet promise. The amazing aspect of this story is Abraham, promise in hand, was ready to sacrifice it. He was prepared to let go of his promise in obedience to the Father. The story in Genesis ends well, as the Lord provided a ram in thicket. God’s promise preserved.

Glory and Pain

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

Early this year I found an amazing woman. In her I saw compassion, empathy, creativity, and intelligence. She loves to learn and has an affinity for plants. I also saw her insecurity, perfectionist tendencies, and anxiety issues. For everything she was and was not, she had the look and feel of my promise. She was the woman I wanted.

As our relationship sunk, I prayed as much as I ever. I choose to love her and myself the best I could. In faith I believed our relationship would be saved, somehow. But, I prayed one prayer more than the others “Lord, Your will be done.” When she came to my apartment on that sunny afternoon in May, I knew what I had to do. I had to let her go. There would be no ram in the thicket for me.

Letting Go Hurts

In that moment I felt more like Jesus in the Garden* rather than Abraham on the hill. I saw the breakup train coming, I petitioned the Lord to stop it, but it ran me over nonetheless. I was gutted. Not my will, but Yours be done. My promise burned on the alter, and all I could do was cry and stand my ground. There would be no running from the pain this time.

Today, I wanted to text her. I wanted her to know I’m alive and I think about her.

In my head I have arguments in regard to what faith is in these moments. Is faith letting her go? Or is it “fighting for her?” Both have the appearance of wisdom and fear. So today, I choose not to text my former girlfriend. It is a move of faith, not fear. I don’t have to be perfect in my walk with Jesus. (At some point, she would need to choose me back. She would need to use her words to tell me exactly what she wants rather than passively fall into a relationship. Of note, she broke up with me, and has said or done nothing to contradict her decision.)

Acting on Faith

More than that, I’m making room for God to be God. I’ve created space for His hands to work, and I’ve still got my promise. My promise is to marry an amazing woman who loves Jesus and her quirky self. Most importantly, I await the woman who will love me for the rest of time. The former lady? It’s ok we didn’t work out. She’s still a wonderful person, and I don’t need reason to move forward.

It’s time. Today is one more step into my destiny.

*I find it fitting Jesus resisted the temptation to run from His destiny in a garden. Adam and Eve were in a garden too. In the garden they chose perfectionism, lust, and gratification. When faced with the same choices, Jesus choose death. He choose the death promised to Adam and Eve. He looked up at the train and stood His ground. Resurrection waited for Him on the the other side.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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