Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/20/22 Nik Curfman 6/20/22

Vol II: #82 Old Promise, New Understanding

The truth I now know is I can’t lose the Lord. He’s not going anywhere. I can fail but I won’t lose. All those years ago, He knew what I needed and branded my heart with a promise. Now I know it’s a promise I can’t undo. I can’t make Him go away or forsake me. (I laugh at that last thought. No matter how much of an asshole I may be, He’s always with me.)

In the middle of a prayer last week, the Lord hit me with a promise- rather a reminder of a previous promise. Years ago the Lord promised “I’ll never leave you and I’ll always be with you.” I’ve thought this was odd as this is two ways to express the same idea. Why not leave it at “I’ll never leave you” or a simple “I’ll always be with you?” Regardless, it’s pretty nice to have the God of All Things promise to remain with me throughout my life. And 23 years after the promise was made, I testify to it being a promise kept. The oddity of the two in one promise still stands, however.

So back to last week in prayer.

I can’t remember what I said or how I got there, but the Lord responded with “You’re not going to lose me.” In that moment, I felt like my largest fear was yanked from the depth of my heart and exposed for what it is. I am afraid I’ll lose the Lord, that I’ve got to walk a tight rope to please Him and I can’t fall. I’m afraid that not matter what I do, I’ll fail. And in my failing, I will miss what the Lord has for me.

The truth I now know is I can’t lose the Lord. He’s not going anywhere. I can fail but I won’t lose. All those years ago, He knew what I needed and branded my heart with that promise. Now I know it’s a promise I can’t undo. I can’t make Him go away or forsake me. (I laugh at that last thought. No matter how much of an asshole I may be, He’s always with me.)

Nik Curfman 4/24/22 Nik Curfman 4/24/22

Abstract: The Choice

A poem, about the choice in front of all believers.

Some pretend the fight doesn’t exist,

Even more do not have the courage to peer over the wall or throw themselves into the fray.

Still, the largest number has the faith to believe in the fight, the courage to stand on the rampart, but this is where the stay, riveted to the board.

They remain frozen by the reality of the battle. It is violent and the field is littered with blood and cries of the wounded.

But the heroes, look beyond their fear and weakness, over the wall, to the sunlight on the other side of the war…to green hills and clear water.

The true and infinite promises of God.

No fear or accusation, no loss or disappointment will keeps these from the Kingdom.

Nik Curfman 4/15/21 Nik Curfman 4/15/21

Journal: #257 She’s Looking For Me

As I type this post, I am the most me-ee I’ve ever been. I know who I am and what I want. I know how I want to spend my days, nights, and weekends. What a time to be alive. And what a perfect time for her eyes to be open. Who am I to complain? The Lord saved me from being old and full of regrets.

The older/wiser I become, the more I know what to look for in a woman. Long gone are fantasies and misplaced expectations. The fights will come, and in those moments choose to be in it rather than run. Does she love herself? Honor herself? Believe in who the Lord says she is? Or, does she expect her partner to provide all the answers? You don’t have to know me to know I’m looking for emotional intelligence and self-possession. I’m want her to have some answers.(And hugs. Always hugs.)

While walking through the forests of Churn Creek, I prayed about my future mate, mainly I’m tired of waiting. And yet, I’m glad I’m single. The joy I have for what the Lord did in my life over the last year is gigantic. I’m where I need to be. As I relieve myself by the creek, I had a thought strike me so hard I began to cry mid stream. Yes. While I peed, I began to cry due a simple thought. There’s a woman looking for me. To think, there’s a fine lady looking for me? The notion never occurred to me.

Nik Curfman 11/18/20 Nik Curfman 11/18/20

Journal: #122 When Faith Feels Like Death

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

I know how Abraham felt as he walked Isaac up the hill. In his hand was his promise from God, his beautiful sweet promise. The amazing aspect of this story is Abraham, promise in hand, was ready to sacrifice it. He was prepared to let go of his promise in obedience to the Father. The story in Genesis ends well, as the Lord provided a ram in thicket. God’s promise preserved.

Glory and Pain

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

Early this year I found an amazing woman. In her I saw compassion, empathy, creativity, and intelligence. She loves to learn and has an affinity for plants. I also saw her insecurity, perfectionist tendencies, and anxiety issues. For everything she was and was not, she had the look and feel of my promise. She was the woman I wanted.

As our relationship sunk, I prayed as much as I ever. I choose to love her and myself the best I could. In faith I believed our relationship would be saved, somehow. But, I prayed one prayer more than the others “Lord, Your will be done.” When she came to my apartment on that sunny afternoon in May, I knew what I had to do. I had to let her go. There would be no ram in the thicket for me.

Letting Go Hurts

In that moment I felt more like Jesus in the Garden* rather than Abraham on the hill. I saw the breakup train coming, I petitioned the Lord to stop it, but it ran me over nonetheless. I was gutted. Not my will, but Yours be done. My promise burned on the alter, and all I could do was cry and stand my ground. There would be no running from the pain this time.

Today, I wanted to text her. I wanted her to know I’m alive and I think about her.

In my head I have arguments in regard to what faith is in these moments. Is faith letting her go? Or is it “fighting for her?” Both have the appearance of wisdom and fear. So today, I choose not to text my former girlfriend. It is a move of faith, not fear. I don’t have to be perfect in my walk with Jesus. (At some point, she would need to choose me back. She would need to use her words to tell me exactly what she wants rather than passively fall into a relationship. Of note, she broke up with me, and has said or done nothing to contradict her decision.)

Acting on Faith

More than that, I’m making room for God to be God. I’ve created space for His hands to work, and I’ve still got my promise. My promise is to marry an amazing woman who loves Jesus and her quirky self. Most importantly, I await the woman who will love me for the rest of time. The former lady? It’s ok we didn’t work out. She’s still a wonderful person, and I don’t need reason to move forward.

It’s time. Today is one more step into my destiny.

*I find it fitting Jesus resisted the temptation to run from His destiny in a garden. Adam and Eve were in a garden too. In the garden they chose perfectionism, lust, and gratification. When faced with the same choices, Jesus choose death. He choose the death promised to Adam and Eve. He looked up at the train and stood His ground. Resurrection waited for Him on the the other side.

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