Walk in the Woods

Abstraction Nik Curfman Abstraction Nik Curfman

Abstract: Dead Flowers

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Through the dry hot summer sun,

into the long winter nights,

I brought flowers to the grave of what was.

Stubbornly and with both hands,

I refused to give up hope.

I let my heart believe,

you would come back to me.

In faith I held on,

and now,

in faith,

I let go.

Resurrection is the work of the Lord,

not my dead flowers.

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Journal: #122 When Faith Feels Like Death

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

I know how Abraham felt as he walked Isaac up the hill. In his hand was his promise from God, his beautiful sweet promise. The amazing aspect of this story is Abraham, promise in hand, was ready to sacrifice it. He was prepared to let go of his promise in obedience to the Father. The story in Genesis ends well, as the Lord provided a ram in thicket. God’s promise preserved.

Glory and Pain

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

Early this year I found an amazing woman. In her I saw compassion, empathy, creativity, and intelligence. She loves to learn and has an affinity for plants. I also saw her insecurity, perfectionist tendencies, and anxiety issues. For everything she was and was not, she had the look and feel of my promise. She was the woman I wanted.

As our relationship sunk, I prayed as much as I ever. I choose to love her and myself the best I could. In faith I believed our relationship would be saved, somehow. But, I prayed one prayer more than the others “Lord, Your will be done.” When she came to my apartment on that sunny afternoon in May, I knew what I had to do. I had to let her go. There would be no ram in the thicket for me.

Letting Go Hurts

In that moment I felt more like Jesus in the Garden* rather than Abraham on the hill. I saw the breakup train coming, I petitioned the Lord to stop it, but it ran me over nonetheless. I was gutted. Not my will, but Yours be done. My promise burned on the alter, and all I could do was cry and stand my ground. There would be no running from the pain this time.

Today, I wanted to text her. I wanted her to know I’m alive and I think about her.

In my head I have arguments in regard to what faith is in these moments. Is faith letting her go? Or is it “fighting for her?” Both have the appearance of wisdom and fear. So today, I choose not to text my former girlfriend. It is a move of faith, not fear. I don’t have to be perfect in my walk with Jesus. (At some point, she would need to choose me back. She would need to use her words to tell me exactly what she wants rather than passively fall into a relationship. Of note, she broke up with me, and has said or done nothing to contradict her decision.)

Acting on Faith

More than that, I’m making room for God to be God. I’ve created space for His hands to work, and I’ve still got my promise. My promise is to marry an amazing woman who loves Jesus and her quirky self. Most importantly, I await the woman who will love me for the rest of time. The former lady? It’s ok we didn’t work out. She’s still a wonderful person, and I don’t need reason to move forward.

It’s time. Today is one more step into my destiny.

*I find it fitting Jesus resisted the temptation to run from His destiny in a garden. Adam and Eve were in a garden too. In the garden they chose perfectionism, lust, and gratification. When faced with the same choices, Jesus choose death. He choose the death promised to Adam and Eve. He looked up at the train and stood His ground. Resurrection waited for Him on the the other side.

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DJ: #83 The Miracle of Resurrection

In my life, I’ve always been willing to move on, to do something new. New is good. New doesn’t have a past or carry offenses. New I can trust. New isn’t devoid of problems or flaws. But, it is exciting. New is full of possibilities and wonder.

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I don’t have a deep or well-thought out discussion on the topic of resurrection, but I am meditating on it today. A friend recently reunited with his girlfriend, and it seems like the right move. (Who knows really, but in this case it seems good.) As he told me the story of his battle to go after her, I couldn’t help but think it was a resurrection of sorts. Their romantic relationship died, but now it’s alive.

I’m just gonna free-write now, whatever thoughts come to mind.

In my life, I’ve always been willing to move on, to do something new. New is good. New doesn’t have a past or carry offenses. New I can trust. New isn’t devoid of problems or flaws. But, it is exciting. New is full of possibilities and wonder.

I think a more mature understanding of new is aware flaws will be exposed, limitations realized, and eventually disappointment will come.

Resurrection is aware of limits and flaws. And yet, it is new. Resurrection carries with it a renewed hope based in reality, not fantasy. It is a different kind of miracle. And, I am blessed to know the newness and the resurrection power of God in this season. This is love too.

(No. I am not aiming this meditation at anything or anyone.) With my friend’s reunion in mind, I took my thoughts to the Lord. If I am to let people or a situation back into my life, how I am to know what it good and right? As I prayed last night, the Lord repeated His recent request “Stay with me. In all things.”

On a more humorous note: I do believe I will never darken the backdoor of restaurant or food business again. I have supreme confidence in the reality my food service days are done. I feel extreme peace about it. LOL


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